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RavenousSoul
11,870 M Pacing Forward 6
PathStep 428 Compassion hearts178 Forum posts281 Forum upvotes355 Current upvotes355 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2015 Member sinceApril 18, 2015
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Waiting for a Phone Call
Personality Disorders Support / by RavenousSoul
Last post
 September 11th, 2015
...See more I've been waiting for a phone call for the past three days now, or longer. I don't remember anymore. I've called. I've sent texts. I've even left a voice message. However, all for naught, as it appears that he person in question genuinely has no interest in returning any of my messages. Th worst part about all this is that I was making such a big effort not to contact him in any way. I was trying so hard to sever this relationship, or at least let it waste away to nothing. Then, out of nowhere, I got some devastating news, and... I didn't know who else to call. So I tried calling him. For three days, I've been trying to get a hold of him. It's funny, sometimes, how when you really need someone, that that's the time said person decides he or she doesn't care anymore. It's been a struggle, looking at that phone, carrying it around with me, hoping that I'll get a call. I've thrown my phone, I've yelled, I've cried, and I've been pushed to sharp edges, all because I'm waiting. I'm getting to the point of apathy now. I'm starting to realise that maybe this is his little way of showing me that he doesn't care, he never wants to hear from me again, and he's completely forgotten about me. So be it. Fine, I was trying to emotionally distance myself from him anyway. I don't care about him anymore, either. He's just another ghost anyway. I'm not waiting for that damn phone call anymore. But I'll be damned if it isn't difficult to actually shed myself of all these emotions and attachments to all these people. I've been feeling more and more numb as the days progress, partly due to drugs, partly due to my own mind not being able to handle anything anymore. It's been a rough few days... I'm still waiting for that phone call.
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I need someone now
Safety & Knowledge at 7 Cups / by RavenousSoul
Last post
 September 14th, 2015
...See more I need someone now more than ever... I can't get through to anyone right now. Please, anybody...? I'm really, really struggling.
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When is it Okay to Say You're Not Okay?
Personality Disorders Support / by RavenousSoul
Last post
 August 14th, 2015
...See more ***Word of warning: may trigger*** I'm living on a borderline, between life and death it seems, with borderline personality disorder and depression. My emotions are all over the place. It's been difficult to get out ofe bed, or to do anything really. I've been engaging in self-injurious behaviour on a regular basis. I've abused my antidepressants to the point of serotonin toxicity. My thoughts lately have been... irrational and dangerous. Needless to say, I'm not okay. But is it okay to admit that I'm not okay? How can I tell someone, without scaring them off? I have such a need to tell someone, to really talk about this... but I can't. It's like my mouth is sewed shut with barbed wire. So I continue this slow but steady descent into darker waters. I feel like I'm drowning. Is it okay to tell someone I'm not okay? That I'm struggling so severely? That I'm afraid of my own mind? I walk a thin line at the moment. And I want to speak up. But I lost my voice.
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Thinking of Becoming a Listener
Safety & Knowledge at 7 Cups / by RavenousSoul
Last post
 August 5th, 2015
...See more I'm thinking of becoming a listener on the site. I try to be a very active member of the community, I want to give back to the community, and I feel like I may be able to offer a unique perspective and bring certain skills to the table due to my experience and my field. But... I have a few questions and concerns first. 1. How will becoming a listener affect my member account? I'm a very active member in the forums as it is, so I'm concerned on how all my activities will be affected. What I think I'm trying to ask, is do they "sync" after I become a listener, or are the accounts separate? 2. Will I still be able to chat with a listener if I need to? 3. Is it okay for me to become a listener even though I continue to struggle with my own demons? 4. Is there any kind of screening I can go through to determine whether or not the community would deem me ready to become a listener? Any answers are appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this and help me!
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The Car Wreck of Happiness
Personality Disorders Support / by RavenousSoul
Last post
 July 23rd, 2016
...See more With BPD, it is not only the negative emotions that are intense and long lasting, but the positive ones as well. And this can be dangerous at times. It's like I'm driving on a clear highway on a moonlit night. All of a sudden, something grand happens; good news, a call from an old friend, an unexpected gift, a special event, or an accomplished achievement. Then I'm sailing down the open road at what feels like Mach speed. The gauge keeps going up. It's exhilarating, and it feels like it will last forever. Except nothing lasts forever. I start to lose control, as the feeling, the high of all this happiness, eventually begins to fade into the horizon. I'm swerving now, unable to regain control of the steering wheel. All of a sudden, I see twin lights coming at me faster and faster. This other vehicle on the road, spreading dust and gravel, is all the other emotions and thoughts racing through my mind. Collision is unavoidable. Then there's the crash. Except I'm the only victim, because this crash isn't real. Although it's very real to me. The metal digs into my flesh, and I bleed. The seat belt is tight around my neck and chest. I'm sore, moving is painful, and I feel so, so tired. The crash after the high of such positive emotions... I've experienced it quite a few times. The biggest one was after my college grad day back in March. I fell into a car wreck of sadness, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. It was not a good place to be, trapped in that wreckage. No one to help me as much as I tried to reach my arm out of that cracked window. Eventually I managed to climb out, beaten, bloodied, and scarred. Limping along the side of the road. Why couldn't that day, that feeling last forever? Why did it have to come to this? It didn't have to come to this...
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The Pain of Being Borderline - A Personal Interpretation
Personality Disorders Support / by RavenousSoul
Last post
 July 30th, 2015
...See more How many of us have been there? You're sitting in the doctor's office, the ER, the therapist's office, in the classroom... and you're trying to explain to whoever what hurts. Because something does hurt. There's a pain inside, difficult to define, to reach, and to heal. This psychological, emotional, or spiritual wound that begins to fester the longer it's left exposed. You can't find it though. You just know that it's there, deep down in some dark recesses, nestled behind your pericardium. Or under your meninges. Perhaps floating in your stomach acid. Even, maybe, coursing through your vascular system, spreading like a poison, causing you to become septic. It hurts. But the doctor, the ER nurse, the therapist, and the professor can't quite grasp the pain. They want something tangible. Something they can find, diagnose, and treat. It's not always so simple. It's not brain cancer. It's a cancer of the mind. A very important distinction. It's all in your head. If it's all in your head, though, then why does your chest feel heavy? Why do your lungs compress? Why does your heart flutter? Your hands shake? Your blood boil? Your brain scream? It hurts. That's all you know.
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(Trigger) When Self-Injury Becomes an Addiction
Personality Disorders Support / by RavenousSoul
Last post
 February 15th, 2017
...See more I'm sure we've all heard how self-injury can become addictive. It becomes something as the drug of choice for some of us... myself included. I've cut for many reasons; emotional turmoil, dissociative states, and distressing thought patterns. But more and more often, I've been finding that I sometimes cut because I need a fix. I need it, I need it psychologically and somewhat physically. Self-injury is a psychological addiction. That should make it easier to quit. But I've tried so many of the techniques that people suggest. It's not as easy as it should be. There's nothing else that feels like it, and that's the issue. It's by no means impossible to quit though. It's difficult, but with patience it can be done. I lack patience, however.
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