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So I used to think I was 100% straight, but after reflecting on my dreams and looking at my past history, I'm not so sure anymore.
In my dreams, I've always had better views of the female sex, like emotional intimacy, and even flustering one in my dream, which I really liked even outside of the dream, claiming, "Being gay for Anya is the best dream and I say that as a hetero. 😭 Please lemme fluster her some moreee" (I know such language is rather informal, but I wrote this with no audience in mind). You can read the transcriptions at the very bottom if you'd like.
Summary if you’d like
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♀️ Dreams with women being intensely emotionally intimate and even flustering me in real life. Whenever I dream of intimacy, it’s literally only women in those roles.
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♂️ Dreams with men being threatening/vapid/not as meaningful with a woman
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♀️ Prioritizing women over men in media EX. Aigis (Persona 3), Valerie (Minecraft let’s play), Flame Princess (Adventure Time), Terra (Teen Titans 2003), Oka Ruto (Yandere Simulator).
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♂️ Not vividly recalling male characters as much as Aigis and even with a female protagonist, rejecting all male routes entirely (Persona 3) Not remembering any males in any of the Minecraft Let’s Plays, Not caring for Finn as much as FP, Didn’t think much of Robin, Cyborg, or Beastboy (Teen Titans 2003), Ok, this one is kinda a freebie to be fair (a common criticism is the lack of characterization of Taro Yamada and in earlier years, it was presumed to be intentional as a satire on harem animes.)
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♀️ Even in creative works of my own, e.g., a dating sim visual novel with the all the effort being on the female protagonist and a goddess, or the main heart of another project being on the two girl friends. Aigis might’ve subconsciously bled into my own robot girl OC.
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♂️ Small notes and no completed work on any male character except a single colored drawing of Matheo. Paul was just kind of there; he didn’t have anything planned for him beyond just a vague guideline as a mentor figure and maybe turning back into a human at the end. No male character has influenced any of my OCs.
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♀️ Drawing queer art explicit or otherwise, since at least middle school
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♂️ Few to no depictions of men, but when depicted, they are often flamboyant or otherwise non-gender-conforming.
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♀️ Having a conscious crush on Oka as a girl OR a guy as a 10-year-old
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♂️ Attracted to flamboyant men and later growing up to switch to masculine men somehow???
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♂️ Swapping male crushes whenever I get bored of them
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♀️ I’ve been repressing my crushes on women, so I guess N/A, though Aigis is my childhood sweetheart. I was too deep in the closet to realize it until now.
🤖Aigis Analysis🤖
In media I have always been drawn to Aigis ♀️ (female presenting) of Persona 3. I consciously rationalized it as "Oh, she's just a robot," completely ignoring her gay confession with the female protagonist, where she explicitly laments that she was made with a female design. I knew she identified as a woman and presented femininely, but if I just pretended, I wouldn't have to confront these feelings. I think I've loved her since I was 11 years old, but I just didn't know it at the time. I thought I liked her and watched her romance route as mere appreciation, but I never bothered to look at Shinjiro's ♂️ or Akihiko's ♂️ routes proper, (I think I might’ve looked at Shinji’s rank 10 event but nothing before that, while with Aigis I watched her ranks 1-10 and rewatched consistently over the years too). ***, I even backed out of a female Let's Player's playthrough when she mentioned those men's names in regard to her Femc possible romance routes (Femc is the fanon name of the female protagonist of Persona 3 Portable. This franchise never has a consistent name for their protagonists, so Femc is the most neutral way to refer to the fem protag. Also, there's a huge debate about the correct way to experience Persona 3 since there’s been so many releases of Persona 3 over various platforms over the years each with its own set of pros and cons. It is notable that one has to go out of their way to experience Femc as she’s limited to Portable only.) I even searched up fancontent and shipped the female protagonist with Aigis and sometimes Aigis with the male protagonist.
⛏Valerie: Another childhood sweetheart?⛏
I also drew Valerie a lot; she's from a Minecraft let's play that was modded. It changed the villager mob to resemble the player model with different textures. I drew fanart of her when I thought about the let’s play. I then drew her later to portray a corrupted version of her since the game/let’s play somehow deleted the entire village. Even though the Let’s Play continued with a lookalike named Nickie, I still kept Valerie in my heart and when I took notes for funny moments to animate I even wrote at the very top of the doc “Nickie is a gold digger while Val a true girl.” Comparatively, I never drew the male Let’s Player by himself, only drawing him when I thought about animating some funny bits from Let’s Play. I also drew Nickie once too, but it’s obvious she didn’t have as much of an impression on me unlike Valerie.
In Valerie’s portrait I drew in 2017 I also drew roses around her, framing her as the main figure to be gazed upon. It’s a reference to the date episode where she receives roses from the male player, but I didn’t draw him nor even his hand in this work. In her corrupted artwork, those roses are turned into withered roses to represent a sort of bitterness, hate, and jealousy I more or less headcanoned onto her. While the YouTuber requested that I pretend that Nickie and Valerie are the same person, based on the artworks I made of them, I like them to be distinct. Basically I centered Valerie and gave her emotional intimacy that I afforded to no other character in the series.
With Minecraft too, I also noticed that I remembered a female let’s player at the time too playing with the same mod that the male one had. I distinctly remember a Kristen that she was dating and a husband possibly named Jacob but as I skimmed, Kristen’s name was right, but she was only a literal roommate for like 2 episodes, while the husband was actually named Dylan. On the other hand, as I scrolled down the playlist, I did find one where she did marry a woman, so maybe that’s why I confused Kristen as being romantic. But I think it’s telling that I remembered a minor female character over the literal husband of the protagonist.
📺Other media📺
While not as intense of an attraction as to Aigis, there were a few other women who might’ve caught my eye too, like Phoebe or the Flame Princess from Adventure Time. The episodes I remember most now are the ones with her in them, like Earth & Water, Vault of Bones, Burning Low, or Incendium, her debut episode. I also searched up MANY photos of her online on a young Internet, and just her too; no one else caught my interest like her. It is notable, however, that I really liked Fionna and Cake and got their comics twice, with the gender-bent Flame Prince being a prominent character.
Oka Ruto from Yandere Simulator, my youngest and consciously attracted to crush! I liked her, male or female, and I knew that if Yandere Simulator were to come out (lol), I’d spare her. Of course, now it’d feel weird, but when I was younger I consciously recognized that I crushed on her and wanted to protect her by not hurting her. Also, when asked to draw a superhero for an art class in middle school, I drew an OC most likely inspired by Yandere Simulator with the whole sailor fuku outfit and timing of the work.
Debatable but possible, Terra from Teen Titans (2003) as well. I loved her episodes and character arc. Though I did enjoy her with Beast Boy, so I’m not actually sure if this one counts.
Really embarrassing, but I remembered some kinda suspect fanart of the witch and Zoey from Left 4 Dead. Notably, I remembered them first over the male characters.
♂️ Male list ♂️
I have crushed on men before, like Sans (Undertale; I was 11), Zhongli (Genshin Impact; 15), male models, King Magnifico (Wish; 18), Captain Curly (Mouthwashing; 20)
These male crushes are pretty vapid, admittedly. Sans is debatable, honestly, since I was 11 years old at the time, and I don’t feel that way about him anymore. Zhongli I do respect, and I still enjoy his theme and elegance. Male models have no emotional connection and literally could be just aesthetic attraction, being models and all. King Magnifico only lasted like a summer or something and fizzled out quickly; I didn’t even watch the movie. Captain Curly I consciously admitted I only liked his body; I don’t care about him as a person or character—literally just objectification.
🎨Flamboyant Male OC🎨
So there was Nuri Aniva, a male OC of mine. He escaped from his original country since he was too flamboyant. With his long hair and pretty looks, he moved to another country to date the princess or his boss or his best friend, and I saw myself in him. Originally, I thought I was just being progressive being able to think like a male, but in retrospect, I might’ve been desiring women and just using him as a proxy. I did have a crush on Nuri, even if he’s very flamboyant, if that means anything.
🎨Middle School Art Archive🎨
I also recently remembered a lot of artwork from my middle school years, which was wild. I drew a lot of queer art and consumed a lot of yuri, a genre about romantic female expression (they are gay and dating). I even looked for adult stuff too around that time and read some questionable work online. I depicted women in various ways, romantic or otherwise. I even had a self-insert who I depicted with another woman kissing, and I drew them together quite a bit.
I also drew humanized versions of my Littlest Pet Shop, and there were quite a lot of gay ships. I shipped Katie Diamonds ♀️ x Genny ♀️, Rihanna Diamonds ♀️ x Trixie ♀️, Jason ♂️ x Scott ♂️, Raindrop Waters ♀️ (I thought I was so clever with the name 😭) x Charlie ♀️, Scarlet Rose ♀️ x Ashton James ♀️ (femme x butch couple), and countless others! I did also ship Raindrop ♀️ with David ♂️ too, to be fair, though in my artworks I only ever drew Raindrop with Charlie, the ♀️ x ♀️ ship. ***, I even typed some romance between Katie x Genny, printed it out, and drew my girl-kisser middle school self-insert on the backside of the printed page!
📌Pattern📌
I notice this a lot actually with my creative processes, but women always end up being more characterized than the men, and I think I’ve been subconsciously objectifying men and confusing it with being straight.
A hugely ironic example: I wanted to create a dating simulator visual novel with a monster girl protagonist (who’s bottomless, but I thought that giving her a long dress shirt would be alright) and a bunch of male suitors. But when it came to visualizing or even my imagination, almost all of it went to the women. Onyx got worldbuilding, seasonal events, and at least 2 outfits—her default and a cute white dress with a collar and big puffy sleeves, and in 3D too, as I just retextured the fem Vroid model, and I did it twice with Onyx’s custom hair texture (the rest of her also uses custom textures as I wanted a more cel-shaded look). But, with the males, Matheo and Anzor, they remain incomplete with default or unfinished hair and extremely rough textures. The most completed male thing in this project was a completed Matheo PNG—literally a still image, and even then, it’s possible some parts overlapped. Even in my head, I focused far more on a random goddess of chaos (we have deities here because I thought about having Onyx, the female protagonist, praying to the gods for men and other gameplay benefits/drawbacks), even though the whole point of a straight dating sim is to focus on the men!
Another being what I originally called “The Desolate Reverie,” where Alia falls ill somehow and ends up in another world. Originally her best friend, Aira decides to intentionally get ill to try and save her. Of course, in this fantasy world, I have had the idea of Alia being in a beautiful gilded cage and displayed all while wearing a beautiful frilly dress, and Aira gets to be the adventurer and explore around searching for her best friend. I did later turn them into sisters because I wanted to “represent the adopted.” Yeah, I don’t think that’s the true reason 💀. What’s funny too is that Aira has orange hair, green eyes, a white dress shirt, a magenta waistcoat, and brown pants and shoes—a handful of these colors are subconsciously reminiscent of the lesbian flag. I had thought that I was straight because, well, there’s a mouse boy (boy who turned into a mouse) that could turn back if maybe he found the right magic potion at the end of the story! And in a future installment, Paul and Alia would totally date! But of course, I never wrote it, this future installment only existing as an abstract concept in my mind. To be fair, this work has not gotten fully realized either, but it’s still more than the sequel, I suppose. Regardless, Alia and Aira have more space in my head than Paul. I even thought that for the finale there’d be a villainess, a cruel and evil woman that Alia(?) would have to possibly overpower! Basically, the main roles are taken up by 3 women and 1 mouse boy.
Another note is that I haven’t written in years, yes but I managed to write 10K words with female characters having romantic tension in 3 days, while with my Undertale fanfiction, it was only like maybe 1K words if you add up all my weird 11-year-old works together.
💤Dream transcriptions💤
Girls
I had a dream where I was staying somewhere because I had a crush on this one guy and my whole family were in on it too. I was sleeping out in nature but then I got disturbed and started walking up and down the river, questioning if this were really a good idea. It's so obvious that he doesn't like me and is forced to hang out with me, although I say "with me" it's more like hanging out with my mom since he doesn't like to talk and neither I, so then my mother has to say something in the hopes that it sparks a conversation.
On the day to drive to a date???? location I had met some girls in the small normal bathroom. I was taking so long in the bathroom because one of them asked me how I was doing since I looked so sad like maybe on the brink of tears and so I began to vent to them and they cheered me up. The same girl who asked me how I was doing then dashed out the door to show my mother my secret journal full of my honest thoughts and so I rushed outside to prevent that from happening which thankfully worked. I had briefly noticed in the background durring that brief chase that the boy was dressed up in an all black attire which consisted of an unbottoned suit, dress shirt, pants, and shoes whilst holding my pink small backpack that my auntie gave me.
But then I had to go back in and do my actual business and give my phone to the two girls for their phone numbers and briefly ask their names, Julieanna the one who started all this but in a good way and Butters a cool friend I'm sure (I wish I saw/remember more of them). I wish I hugged them before I left, but no, I had to go out on a date or something.
The boy was driving in the rain in a tall house neighborhood with many small wooden things in ?the process of being constructed with all of us in the car (Mom, dad, younger brother, and me of course).
Since the car was bumpy my Dad started to berate him and I remember thinking that I wished to be with those girls again, I miss them. I would even go as far to say that although we met (albeit unintentionally) because of a boy I would've stayed for the girls. If I could lucid dream I would dream of these girls plus my bestie, we'd make the best besties.
(Out of dream moment) He was surprisingly okay. I'm surprised since my dreams usually have the least attractive guys that…This guy may have the outside covered I guess but he really has nothing on the inside though, like no personality, he's hollow.
9:17 AM 6-19-2022
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Sitting next to Anya 😏
So I was in a class and there were weirdly a lotta people and we were doing a practice exam and a guy next to was cheating. To my left there were a lot of vending machines.
Later a girl took my seat which I hated but…then I had to sit next to Anya! She asked how I felt sitting next to her and baby I remember kinda being giddy and laughing and I think somewhat flirting with her. I think the professor notices and was like huh what dis? And I was being way too giggly and laughing and he was like “Oh nah it's that's too much information” I'd like to think he's not homophobic but he thought I was abouta get inappropriate.
4:46 - 4-56 AM 3-21-2025 Being gay for Anya is the best dream and I say that as a hetero. 😭 Please lemme fluster her some moreee
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Suspect
We were moving about in a school with a painted library reminiscent of the one in kindergarten. We were going to the playground with a sandbox and more. Despite the school being for highschoolers I think. There was one really pretty girl that had gotten a little stuck on my little cramped ride while it was already flying up on the ride. She had brown eyes and short hair with a little dash of red and a red dress I believe? Though, I am not certain about her outfit. I pulled her into my car, which was like a ride at an amusement park. For some reason I had felt my heart racing and I think we liked each other. I think we might've even… and that I did do some things to myself twice while thinking about her… Although it wasn't long before she had to leave. I left the school and wanted to experience it again, but my brother's cage in front of his door somehow prevented me.
I want to know what happens next, I really do
5:30 AM 11-6-2022
Girlz
Weirdly enough I was at a store and ther were a lotta guys but they annoyed me so much that I wanted to go to a female only space. I might've had to go up a sharp incline to reach the top of the "mountain". I met my roommate and wandered outside.
There was some broken down and rusted metal platform that I stood on overlooking a field of open green space and trees surrounded it.
Then I went to join some girls ar the suggestion of my roommate and I was a mood killer at first telling some girl that it might not be safe but I continued anyways and enjoyed my time there.
This was especially the case when someone entered the "arena" and the "announcer" siad something like berate of the charger and the girls were knocked down pretty quickly. Luckily this room is somewhat spaiicl and is full of soft coleful objects remenafiser of the printer color scheme th ohhhh the walls were orange. I was tempted to say that it's obvious that the girls didn't play l4d but I didn't since I was just a few inches away from dying. The charger in question gave up and I won.
Outside the room that girl confronted me and I said it was only a suggestion, she didn't have to do what I recommended and that was that.
7:45 AM 3-7-2023
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♂️ Dreams with males ♂️
Date with Man; Gone weird 😭
Was on a date with a man. We started walking out to the beach behind us on a green metal pathway that’s kinda falling apart like pieces of the path just aren’t present. He remarks on this saying he needs to repair it or something. The scenery soon becomes a parking lot where there's no grassy fields and instead grey. His rectangular brick house is still present though. Now his brother says something and soon my date leaves and then comes outwearing a nappy?!?!?! I asked about it and we both share the same conditions?!?!??!? Mrahsall Lee is also mentioned at some point?!?!?!? WHAT IS THIS DREAM 😭😭 LIKE IMAGINE DATING A MAN AND THEN THERE’S DIAPERS BRO
7:27 AM 2-16-2023
Goodness gracious
Bruh. So I was watching a video with an artist drawing a buff man in dark surroundings except for the hot pink glow of his heart and the yellow and brown faint glow of his intestines.
I got caught by my brother 😳 and he was commenting on how sus it was 😭. TELL ME WHY I WAS SIMPING FOR A MAN'S ORGANS 😭😭😭😭😭😭 AND I KNOW IT'S THE CASE 'CAUSE I WAS WAYYYYY TOO INTERESTED IN THE VIDEO.
10:37 AM 6-11-2022
President and Hans epidemic
Weird bus and stuff. Picked up my younger brother. There was a group locker at the edge of the world, don't know why that's there. Up above are tall trees which somehow was minded into hammocks. I also raced my brother home and kinda won? By changing the rules last second. I also became president? For some reason there was a lotta news on how men named hans were rizzing up women 💀 there was even a little baby too wtf 💀☠️💀☠️ I even did a news interview thing talking about the Hans rizz.
10:40 AM 8-23-2023
Cute boy for a little bit
So I was in school but it looked like my house but bigger. While the teacher was lecturing, I just walked off and watched some Spongebob. I came back and the ginger girl and blonde bowlish haircut boy were being absolute basterds about it. Like c’mon man, can’t a gal watch some spongebob? They were acting like I was cheating (The boy was even called the warden wth. I think it’s ‘cause I was failing this course, which I remember to be language arts) when I just didn’t know the assignment. Also a friend made an appearance, she said hi but that was the end of it :(.
Anyways, the teacher saw that I was alone and so she paired me up with an friendly English boy. He had the most bluest eyes I’ve ever seen, short blond hair, and a grey hoodie. He is a cutie/short king. I shook his hand (Quite normally, like did I gain confidence???) and played his game. The assignment was to mature the Art Share somehow but yet his game had like Superman flying around and accidentally murdering civilians with some *** physics, which is just funny. I was also testing some dialog trees with some modern looking low poly graphics (Like the image), even though the Superman part was like in one of those old timey low poly early playstations art styles. Unfortunately, there’s not a lot after that, also I couldn’t understand a word the English boy was saying like he cute but he’s really British.
12-6-2021 4:41 AM NGL but this one was very “sober” in delivery. I guess it’s because it’s very mundane. There’s not a lot to say other than I hate Warden and that other girl, like get off my buttcheeks! UGH, GET OUT OF MY BOAT.
