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Hello all.
Though i have a loving family and a few good friends, i can't really talk to them about this. I've tried, but while they may mean well, they've been incapable of approaching my situation from a clear place. Instead of just listening and trying to understand, they rush to conclusions and put their own viewpoint as the focus of any help they offer. The results are not good.
What i mean to say is that even though i am 50 years old, i'm incapable of navigating life as an adult. I was born in 1971. My earlier life was that of a sheltered kid raised by my mother. My father was absent, and had other women and children all over the city, and i rarely ever saw him, so i didn't have anyone who could at least show me a little bit of guidance in how to go through adolescence, or life in general. Making friends outside of school or neighbors was hard for me, so i became a solitary book-reading, movie-watching, video game-playing loner.
I quit high school. During my late teens and halfway through my twenties i didn't do anything of note. Meeting girls has always terrified me. I suppose the prospect of rejection was too much for me, being as emotionally stunted and unprepared as i was (and still am). Through some friends i was introduced to a girl around this time, who during the course of one week realized what she was dealing with, and that didn't end well. That devastated me. My first kiss, my first girlfriend. I was around 27 then.
By the end of 1999, i was deep in depression and reached a point where i hit rock bottom--i truly felt there was no other option but to try to find some meaning in my existence. Somehow i found myself going back to finish high school, in a program where you studied just a few hours a week and take monthly tests, and you finish the whole thing in about six months.
This was when i met a marvelous girl (C). An amazingly artistic, intelligent, gorgeous, well-read girl with an eclectic taste in music who defied standards and conventions left and right. The girl you only meet once in your life and changes you forever. I fell madly in love with her, and for some reason she liked me too. And for a couple of weeks, i experienced a soaring, electric feeling of constant joy. I felt like i could do anything and everything. However, i was suffering from mental and emotional issues, and i started pushing her away, i suppose in an preemptive attempt at avoiding another heartbreak. That marked the end of the relationship.
So of course i was broken again.
A few weeks later, i was still studying in the high school program when i met another girl (D).
Amid all the emotional chaos i was going through, suddenly it was like the universe answered my plea to not let me be alone anymore. And i was terrified of talking to her. But i did. And i felt alive, and happy again, with all the possibilities laying before us. And she seemed to like me too.
(D) and i started seeing each other. And the realization then came that i was still in love with (C). (D) deserved better than that, and it made me feel awful. I decided to end the relationship with her.
After that happened, i finished high school (i don't know how) and started studying psychology in university. I dropped out about halfway through. I stopped seeing my friends. I only had a few occasional jobs. I lived with my parents but never really saw them, spending my days and nights isolated in my room. I didn't do anything that helped me grow as a human being, or helped me deal with all my issues. I was frozen in place and time. Mired in self pity and sadness, i became nothing. One of my sisters referred me to a psychiatrist friend of hers, who promptly diagnosed me with who knows what and prescribed a medication that left me unable to feel anything--sadness, happiness. Anything. I started smoking heavily, and coupled with the lack of interest in personal hygiene characteristic of depression, it eventually led to rotting teeth. This went on for some 16 or 17 years.
Then some 4 or 5 years ago (D) appeared in my life again. She told me she wanted to see me again, as a friend. It's her friendship that dragged me out of the swamp i was in and back into the world. And we've have tried, however unsuccessfully, to develop this friendship. We were never really compatible to begin with, but coupled with some emotional and mental issues she's developed since last we met now it's worse--we can't really talk about what we care about to each other, going out and just sitting there without talking to each other, we can't even walk together. Still, we've tried.
Then, a month ago, we went on a trip. One week on a beautiful beach, where she had lived for a few years. We stayed at a small inn. First day there was her birthday.
We spent the day bar hopping. She got very drunk, and towards midnight, she spotted an old friend of hers. She immediately went to sit at his table (he was with friends) and talk with him. I think a couple of minutes went by, and even though we're just friends, i got jealous. I went outside the bar to smoke. I was outside for about an hour when she started to leave with her friend's group. I was flustered and confused, and I told her i was going back to the hotel. She started explaining to me how to open the front door of the inn (it was an electronic lock), then became impatient and just left with them. I went back to the inn, which fortunately had an intercom, and was let in, though i did not know how to open the room's door. So i spent the nigh in a chair.
The rest of the week wasn't much better. I opted to see her as little as possible for the rest of our time there, spending my days confused.
Which brings me to where i am now. I've been suffering from depression for the last 20 years, but upon returning here, it's been compounded by alternating attacks of depression and paralyzing anxiety. I've scheduled a therapy session with a psychologist in a couple of days, but managing my days has been extremely difficult. Going to work is something i just can't do some days.
Thanks for reading this far. Comments are welcome.
