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Rooney13
22 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts0 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceDecember 3, 2014
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breathe in, breathe out. Keep going
Relationship Stress / by Rooney13
Last post
 December 4th, 2014
...See more Although its been over a year, my ex-boyfriend and I dated for 5 years, not including the 3 years prior to dating that we were friends. We survived 2 years of long distance before I moved across the country to be with him. We had a dog, we shared a car, but we didn't share similar upbringings. He never worked a day in his life, his parents gave him anything he wanted. I had worked since the day I turned 16.  Our third-fourth year together was rocky, he was controlling, and I was exhausted. He pulled away from me, and I acted out to try to garner attention from him or anyone who would give it to me—low I know, but at the time I was emotionally frantic. I made mistakes. But mistakes that I admitted to and talked with him about and apologized for. I broke up with him because I felt I needed space and time to grow into my self as a 22 year old female. I felt confident in that choice at the time. I needed to be able to stand on my own two feet. A month later we got back together after he gave me an ultimatum. The month in between was the only point in our relationship where I ever felt like I was a necessity and like I came first in his life. The following six months we spent together and I felt positive about things and about life.  That June he broke up with me, we argued, we talked, we fought over our dog. Throughout July and into August. I started cutting, I lost 20 lbs. I've never felt more confident in my body, but I've never felt more hopeless or purposeless. I ran two miles everyday and could barely stomach two bites of a sandwich before I felt like throwing up. He started seriously dating a girl in July. I felt like he threw me and our entire relationship away, swept under the rug so that he could move on and pretend we never happened. He bragged that she was better than me, that she did more for him. We lived across the street and I witnessed their relationship grow as I faded away as a human being. He told me I was undeserving of a second chance, that I was messed up, that my pain was comical. That he still loved me but couldn't stand the thought of ever being with me again. But that if I ever needed anything he was there. As the year went on I witnessed their happiness, for months on end. Walking down the street holding hands and laughing. He would pretend I didn't exist. I gained 40 lbs. I drank, I cut. I loathed myself. I didn't want to exist. But somehow I stuck it out, I ran a half marathon with out dog, I graduated with my degree and got a great job where I support myself fully.  But now I still feel depressed, I can't lose the weight and get back to my confident size. I can't believe in myself, I don't feel confident. I can't seem to move past this. I feel like if I could just lose weight and feel confident I could meet someone and move on. Help! I want to focus on myself and be the best version of me that I can.    
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