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Rubyrubzz
450 M Embraced 3
PathStep 17 Compassion hearts41 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2022 Member sinceOctober 28, 2019
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I hate humans
Anxiety Support / by Rubyrubzz
Last post
 February 2nd, 2022
...See more Hello everyone, My story may or may not impress everyone but it has shattered me into pieces. I grew up in a very conservative family, where everyone expects you to reach a certain level of standards. To make it worse, being an eldest daughter in my family, I have witnessed horrendous scenes which a child should never go through. To be specific, I have seen my parents fight every single day, both of them having temper tantrums, physically and verbally. I grew up watching this and always felt neglected within the family. As I grew up, I knew something was wrong with me, I have never felt happy as a kid, I have always feared of something. I had no clue of what was happening. When I reached at the age of 9, I have always thought about suicide. And I still wonder how is it even possible for a kid to think in such level. Once I realized I was being treated as an outsider, I tried to get attention from others. This led me to get myself into a relationship, where I felt being loved. It took 5 years for me to realise this never was love but my greed to fulfilling the emptiness of my heart. my parents strictly punished me for having a relationship, which eventually I got locked up in my house for 2 months, and consequently got suspended from my school. This fuelled up my anger and I challenged everyone by saying “ at the end of the year, the principal of my school will be handing over the trophy to me for getting the first rank in academics” And surprisingly I succeeded. I went to college, and my mother always believed that the girls only require basic education and never needs to pursue higher certification as we girls are going to end up in the kitchen for rest of our life. However ignoring her ideology, I went to study my higher qualification. Even though i succeeded in achieving it, it was never easy because I had people around me to bring me down every single time. After few years, I started to notice that I shiver when i see people, I have panic attack when things happen unexpectedly, I have zero memory power, increased hairfall, getting irritated really fast, I hallucinate after waking up in the middle of the night. I got my first job as an Auditor and was too excited for it. However i resigned from my job after 8 months of joining due to my symptoms mentioned. This made my relatives and family, sticking to their ideology that “ girls can never work “. My dad found me a guy, (as in our country, arranged marriage is superior than the love marriage), I never rejected his idea because i thought it could be my final chance to be feel loved. Later i Got engaged and oir marriage is planned on feb 11th. for the first few months I felt everything’s gonna be okay and i felt being loved. Again i was wrong. I hate when people talk about other people’s body, their choices, their likings, habits and every single thing that exists. We neither have rights to change others nor question them. i have lived serving my parents expectations and now I feel like I need to fulfill my husband’s expectations as well. He tells me what to eat what not to eat, how to dress how not to dress, compares me with other girls. i am in a pre marital stress, thinking about my choice. I have always heard that if the foundation of anything is strong, the rest of the matter leaning on the foundation will be strong as well. My foundation ( childhood ) was an utter failure and disaster, and i believe my life ahead is gonna be the same as well. Right now I am in a stage where I literally hate every human being on this planet.
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