RunawayBalloon Member Profile

...See more Trigger Warning: childhood abuse So, when I was a child, my older brother and I were the closest of friends, but he had these really bad anger issues. When he was mad about something (which was often) he'd get really mad and lash out physically at me or my older sister, but because I was with him most of the time, it would usually just be me. Actually, the first memory I have is when I was about three years old and he was dragging me on the carpet floor and I got carpet burn all over my back; when I told my parents, they just scolded him and he told me that if I ever told anyone about anything he would hit me in front of them and they wouldn't protect me. After this, I was really afraid but I learnt how to suppress my emotions and keep my expressions neutral. I was constantly walking on eggshells. When it was time for me to start school (I was about six years old) my parents thought it would be best if I was in a different country so I stayed with my mom while she worked and for a while, it was just the two of us and I was finally happy. When I started grade three, I had to move back in with my dad, brother and sister, while my mom stayed behind because we really needed the money from her work. I can't remember where my dad was during that time, whether or not he was always working, but I do remember that my brother had gotten worse and I felt like he (my brother) was the only one who could protect me, but at the same time it felt like he was the only one that I was truly afraid of. At that time I was also forced to do things (sexually) that I was never comfortable with but I couldn't complain, I was woken up in the middle of the night and I had to watch porn and just do horrible things. At the same time, my cousin began sexually abusing me, I didn't say anything to her because I figured that my brother was right and that no one would do anything. A few years later, my brother decided to stop everything and he resumed our relationship as "best friends", minus the abuse. Up until this point I had suppressed the memories and forgotten about everything, we became friends and everything was "okay". One day, he apologised to me for everything that he did, describing things that I had long forgotten and everything came rushing back into my memory. I became depressed and suicidal, but as I had learnt, I did not express any of these emotions outwardly. At the same time, my brother was depressed and started going through psychological spirals, my mother moved back in with us and tried to take care of him. He started abusing alcohol and was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have an incredibly loving and understanding boyfriend now and we are making plans to get married after studying. I'm afraid because I feel like I can't fully start this next chapter of my life without dealing with this issue. I told my parents about everything and my mother thinks I'm lying about it and my father only apologised. I asked if I could move out or if they could move him out of the house (we're both old enough) because I can't even focus on my studies or my life in general when I'm living in the same house as him and when all I have to see is them doting over him and blaming his personality and issues purely on his mental illness. The situation with my parents and them not doing anything just makes me feel as if my brother was right all along about no one doing anything to help me. I just feel like this is a lot to deal with and it creeps up on me, so every second that I spend at home, I can't stop crying.

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