Rundus1 Member Profile

...See more I'm horrible for making this and even more horrible for posting it. I never come on here unless things have gotten bad again. I view this as another personal failure. I'm driving everyone away. All my friends and family have slowly begun to distance themselves. All I can think about is how much I've messed up. I'm too argumentative. I don't bring anything to the table. I have no redeeming qualities. I'm jealous. I'm petty. I overstress and I nitpick. I can see it ruining my relationships but I don't know how to stop it. I decided a few years back that I would never put my family through the horrors of having a kid kill himself. Instead, I picked how I'd like to die. I would like to be shot or stabbed or something trying to protect someone. At least that way I could be remembered fondly. I pray for my bullet to come soon almost every night when my thoughts attack me again. I'm too poor for any sort of help. I just tried to talk to my best friend. Somehow I wound up pissing him off with how much I genuinely just hate myself and he went to bed. I've been crying for a bit but I made sure to do it softly so I wouldn't wake him. He doesn't need this. No one needs this. I don't need this. If I died right now I don't think anyone but my parents would cry. I know thats not true but it's so true it hurts right now. I know I'm dumb but I also know everyone says I'm smart. Why am I like this? Why on earth am I this way? All I want is someone, anyone, to love me. To hug me when I'm sad or give a damn when I'm upset. Someone who sees me and doesn't immediately look for better options. I've tried so many times to find that. I don't think I can. I tell myself I can't so much it hurts and all I want is my bullet. Why am I writing this? This is so selfish of me it isn't even funny and I'm so sorry. I wish I was normal or something but I'm just some sad mess. Please don't let this upset you. I promise I'll fix myself soon again. I just wish I found some way to put the pieces back together so they stop falling apart later. It's so tiring to keep putting them together. Sometimes I just want to quit. I just want my bullet right now. Please for the love of God let it come soon before I hurt anyone else with the way I am. They all deserve so much better than me.

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