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Hello everyone,
I (35M) was hoping for a bit of advice about feelings of resentment towards my partner (34F) which I'm struggling to contain.
We have been married for almost four years. Everything up to the wedding was perfect. We never argued, and felt like so incredibly connected to one another. However, since then different issues have cropped up which have contributed to this negativity I feel towards her, and a feeling of distance.
My wife and I live in a small fixer upper house in the UK, which we bought around the time we got married. Whilst we like the house, neither of us like the area we live in, but were priced out of our preferred areas.
I am the breadwinner. In order to keep up with the rising cost of living, I have secured promotions doubling my salary in the space of four years. I am frequently working late into the night and on weekends. I am responsible for keeping on top of house admin (ie bills, childcare fees, insurances etc). I am also responsible for all the home renovation work, some of which has been very complex (removing walls, electrics, plumbing) and backbreaking (landscape gardening). I also contribute my fair share (in my opinion) to other household responsibilities, including raising our child (3M), laundry, cooking, cleaning. I usually do the food shopping. Somehow, I have also managed to get into the best shape of my life, visiting the gym during lunchbreaks at work (I work from home a lot). In fairness to my wife, over the last couple of months she has let me go to the gym in the evenings with friends I have recently made, perhaps once per week on average. We live many miles away from my old friends who I rarely see now, so that has been helpful.
My wife returned to full time employment at the beginning of this year, after a year off with the baby and another year working part time. Whilst she is happy to work, she does not have the same aspirational mindset as me, and shies away from responsibility, so she is happy with her lower than average income. That's fine. However, she also fantasises about life in the country, or even abroad, with a bigger house and garden. She wants three children, and is currently pressuring me to agree to having a second one within the next 12 months, because she doesn't want a big age gap between them. She is always looking at exotic holiday destinations on social media. All of this, I feel, creates an expectation from me.
We live about an hour away from my parents (approaching their 70s, semi retired). They are financially stable, and own a large house with a separate annex which is bigger than the house my wife and I own. Besides my younger brother, they have no other family around them. They help out enormously, babysitting our boy every Sunday/Monday, cooking for us whenever we visit (and giving us food to take home), my dad has helped me with the renovation stuff when things have gone wrong, and he is always trying to give me cash. However, my mum can be a difficult person, and there is some unresolved friction between my mother and wife, as is common between mothers and daughters in law.
My wife's family, most of whom now live about ten minutes away from us, are not as financially stable. We see them a lot and do more activities with them, and they are all pleasant, but the support level is much lower. There have been occasions where they have pressured my wife into making unsound financial decisions (eg booking an expensive holiday). They babysit our son perhaps a handful of times per year. I have helped them more than they have helped us (running various errands, helping with home renovation stuff etc).
Now, my parents have suggested that my wife, son and I move in to my parents' annex for a couple of years to ease the financial pressure on me, help us save to buy the house that we want, and do so with enough money that I won't have to carry out any renovations on my own. We could rent out our house to cover the mortgage, save enough for a deposit, and within a short time have enough to buy a second house. They would also like to have us near so they can spend time with their only grandchild and the little extended family they have (the rest of our family live overseas).
My wife has categorically refused to do it, saying moving in with them will "break our relationship". Whilst her hesitation to live next door to her in laws is reasonable, she doesn't seem to acknowledge the huge financial pressure I feel, the tiredness, and the pressure to keep my parents happy, especially in light of all the help they have given us.
She also doesn't seem to care that this could potentially change the trajectory of our whole life. We would go from living paycheck to paycheck to owning multiple houses with a lot of savings in the bank, setting both ourselves and our son up for a good standard of life. Given her dreams about a house in the country, it's maddening to see her reject an opportunity to achieve it, even if it means dealing with the discomfort of living with in laws for a while.
There are other issues which bother me, but less so. For instance, my wife regularly complains about her weight (she put on 30lbs in pregnancy and hasn't lost it), but never seems to do anything to help herself, despite me gently encouraging her to adopt healthier habits and never citing her weight as an issue for me. She is quite the clean freak, has struggled with living in a fixer upper (even though she agreed to buy a house like that and wants another one). She is a fussy eater and sensitive to smells, so I can't eat fish/beef/pickled things in the house without her passing comment.
I am sorry for such a long post, but it helped just to put my feelings in writing. Long story short, am I unreasonable for feeling resentful? What am I supposed to do in these circumstances? Any perspectives would be appreciated.
