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Serendiipity
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts6 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceMarch 14, 2015
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Pushing my Friends Away
Depression Support / by Serendiipity
Last post
 August 10th, 2016
...See more So I've successfully lost another friend...My second close friend. We've done everything together since the first year of High School. I even traveled to the other side of the globe with this girl, but just recently, I felt as though I should be pushing her away. The back-story, I've hurt her once before...but she came back, and I hated myself for letting her back into my life. I have type 2 Bipolar disorder, and my days of University might consist of me being extremely angry and depressed, to extremely optimistic and happy. It started following the first time we had a major fight, leading to my anxiety and paranoia, thinking that everyone hated me or were talking about me. That somehow had evolved to bipolar, so I don't know if I'm living a happy life, anymore. After that last incident, our friendship has never been the same...I could no longer truly be happy around her, and I don't know whether it was because I'm tolerating her, or because of my bipolar disorder. I didn't want to seem fake around her, so I made her hate me...hate me to the point where she would end our friendship once and for all. In a way, I'm kinda glad that she has made it clear that we're not friends anymore. But the two ends of my mood spectrum are saying, "You don't need her, anyways" and..."If anything does happen to you, at least she won't care".  During my 'low' days, I've thought about suicide. When those days come along, I would have a friend to talk to, but he stands by her side like an older brother, so I think that I've lost him, too. So now, I just want to push everyone away...I want a bit of assurance that if I one day just snap then I will have less people to cry for me. I've told a couple of them that I have depression, but I have not told them about the 4 scars on my arm, or my bipolar disorder, because it will seem like it's my excuse to act the way I do. I'm scared that they'll say that I'm lying...I'm also scared that I will continue to hurt them, so I'm going to push them away. My family? Well, I'm usually locked up in my room. I used to watch TV with my grandma, but these days, I think she knows what's going on, judging by the way she doesn't call me out when our favorite shows comes on. I'm not smiling as much. I don't have dinner with my family, and I've even put my phone on airplane mode. I don't know how long I'll last...so please...I need help.
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