Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
ShadowDragon444
304 M Embraced 2
PathStep 24 Compassion hearts12 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes10 Current upvotes10 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2020 Member sinceMay 4, 2020
Bio
Recent forum posts
ShadowDragon444 profile picture
I miss him so much and I'm confused
Relationship Stress / by ShadowDragon444
Last post
 June 19th, 2022
...See more My relationship broke up about a week ago. He wasn't angry... just really sad. He said he was never really in our relationship and couldn't love me. That combined with our recent arguments lead to the break up... he promised we'd always be friends and he's there for me if I needed him. However since the breakup I haven't spoken to him and he hasn't reached out to me. I feel like I need space and I'm not sure I can be friends with him at this point. I really want him back and I want him to be my partner again. I've been doing a lot of reading online and one of the best ways to get an ex back is through a no contact rule. So I'm going to not contact him for 30 days ideally. However I miss him so much it hurts. I miss talking to him all day long and texting each other all the random and mundane things that happen in our lives. I miss nerding out on our favourite interests together. I miss being his sounding board for his story ideas. And it hurts to think that he'll never want to kiss, cuddle or type hearts to me again. I want to talk to him so badly that I find myself obsessively staring at his online status and I can't stop thinking about him. There are times where I'm not sure if I miss him as my friend or my boyfriend or perhaps both. I don't know if I should reach out or not and if it will ruin my chances of getting him back
ShadowDragon444 profile picture
Broke up recently... feeling really really depressed...
Relationship Stress / by ShadowDragon444
Last post
 May 4th, 2020
...See more Hello... I don't expect anyone to respond or care. I'm not even sure what I hope to get out of this but I guess I just want to tell my story. This is going to be long so I apologize in advance. I just got out of a very convoluted 4 month relationship... with a person I developed love for. It was my first relationship and I'm 22 years old. I know this sounds melodramatic and stuff but please listen before you judge. He is 25 years old. I first met him 2 years ago at work. We were both summer students. At the time I was at a low point. I've struggled with social anxiety and depression my whole life. I was ghosted and blocked by someone I was desperately trying to be friends with and keep in contact with that didn't work. I felt so bad. Then I met him and we had similar interests and he was easyish to talk to despite the fact that I was socially anxious. We decided to exchange contact info because I would beta read one of the books he was writing. However instead of sticking to business we ended up talking and I learned we shared similar nerdy interests. I developed a crush on him almost instantly. Now before I go on, you should know I'm socially impaired... I find it difficult to read and understand the emotions if others or participate in social things that normally come naturally to others like texting. I have to learn things by trial and error every time. This makes it hard for me to connect with people.... The main problem at the time was I texted too formally and asked questions constantly like I was interrogating him. It made him uncomfortable. But after a while instead of ghosting me, while he was uncomfortable and frustrated, he understood I had these difficulties and stayed patient. I worked hard to improve my texting issues. However I was still unsatisfied because he didn't consider me his friend or care about me. He also had an obsessive unrequited crush on a another girl for the past 4 years. These created problems in our dynamic causing me to become additionally depressed which along with problems in school caused me to emotionally down spiral. I basically started treating him like a receptacle to vent my problems to. Which included accusing him of not caring about me. I would later learn he actively disliked me during this phase and I was causing him a lot of stress. But he still stayed with me and tried his best to support me. Eventually he told me off for this and I worked hard to stop that. I finally became okay with the fact that he may leave me eventually. I stopped venting and pushing to be closer to him. As a result we naturally started getting closer. We started hanging out in person more. And then I was finally his friend. However during this time my crush got stronger since he was so empathetic and kind a long with other qualities. I could talk to him all day long and never had I felt like I clicked with another person so well. I wanted more. I wanted to be in a relationship with him. But I was content with just friendship for now. Eventually his crush on the other girl started to fade and I couldn't believe it when he started flirting with me. I flirted back... eventually we ended up in a situation where we kind of challenged each other to strip naked in front of each other. And we actually went through with it. It was an amazing moment... However that moment made me push again... I knew he found me attractive but he didn't have romantic feelings for me. We entered a friends with benefits type of scenario we called the pseudo relationship. It was basically a romantic relationship without sex in aim to hopefully develop his feelings. However a month in he lost any feelings he had and didn't feel into the kissing and the cuddling. He thought the feelings were fading and it wasn't going to work... I begged him to wait until the next time we saw each other to see what happens. The weekend came and he was back into it. We then kept like that for another 2 months. But I wanted to be committed to each other under the label. He decided I was getting too serious and too deep and he didn't want to hurt me more later. And he was right. At that point I loved him. I saw and acknowledged all his flaws and accepted them. I wanted to make him happy. But I also couldn't stand losing him. I begged again and he said he would think about it some more. A few days later though I couldn't handle the uncertainty and I didn't want him to be pressured so I ended it myself. I told him I wanted to go back to being friends However, slowly he started getting flirty and touchy. And he eventually told me his feelings were stronger. I told him to wait to see if they stuck. So we dated unofficially for 2 months and then in December we made it official.... I was so happy.... however the relationship seemed to bring new issues. He plays D&D and I wanted to get involved and meet his friends. I thought it would be a good way to overcome my social anxiety and interact with people. He did at first. However he's kind of uncomfortable with his friend groups mixing. He has OCD to a certain extent. Idk if this is part of it but it made him really uncomfortable and anxious having me there. Even though his friends approved of me and I liked them. He was uncomfortable with the fact that I was socially anxious and embarrassed because I talked about one of my interests too much. He told me this and at the time I didn't see what was wrong... so we argued. I eventually got what he meant and stopped. Then i attended when he was DMing for the first time. He got anxious with me being there and decided to cancel the session. He wanted me to stop coming but I wanted to continue and it created our second big argument. He said I didn't mesh with his friends and it made him uncomfortable. We compromised, I just couldn't go to sessions where he was DMing which was fair I think? Idk maybe I should have backed off completely and not went at all. Things were better, we were coasting. And I thought things were progressing fine. I was happy. But I also expressed a worry that he would never be able to love me and I think that may have put pressure on him. He told me his feelings didn't feel as strong as the ones he'd felt for his crush or his past girlfriends. But since love can grow we decided not to worry about it. I was willing to wait no matter how long But then social distancing started and we couldn't see each other. He started calling me immature all the time for things that I don't think were immature. Talking about my interest too much, saying I hated the virus for getting something I was looking forward to canceled, saying I didn't like his boss because she was treating him poorly when I misunderstood and she's actually nice, sulking when I lost in a videogame. And it was only these four instances. We argued again because I felt he was painting me wrongly and ignoring other things about me that were mature. The argument lasted 3 days. Ultimately though I accepted I was immature. He started talking about how he wasn't sure if he could be with an immature person because our argument seemed to show him that was important to him. I told him I would work on it and try to grow.... However I also started feeling like he had to always be right. I was annoyed with him because of everything. I was trying so hard but didn't feel good enough. I had a discussion with him and it cleared up the issue mostly. Then he even started inviting me to watch him DM with out me even asking to watch and things went well. He wasn't as nervous anymore although still a little bit. Things were good. Then the affection stopped a little bit at a time. He told me his feelings were fading again. I said not to worry about it. We hadn't seen each other in a while and we just had a huge argument. We left it there. We were also playing around with the idea of me joining his D&D campaign since having me watching went so well and I could be more included. I told him if he wasn't comfortable I wouldn't push him. Eventually he told me he was uncomfortable because the campaign was 5 years long and he didn't see himself with me that long. I asked him if he was happy in the relationship. He said he was kind of meh like he enjoyed it but could take it or leave it and that's how he always felt. But his feelings were gone. He didn't feel like he was connecting with me when we videochatted. It felt the same like he was talking to a friend. And he said I had a lot of qualities he didn't jive with. Not that they were bad he was just neutral to them. He didn't feel strongly about me. We talked... I was upset and I vented these emotions of how it hurt to hear him say that. I tried to figure out why. I tried to get him to relax social distancing because we were both very careful and could probably afford one in person meeting... he refused and told me to stop analyzing his feelings. I did but I still tried to seek support from him mistakenly. He snapped at me. I decided I would give him some space which is probably what I should have done. He reached out to me the next day.... and said he didn't see things getting better... he ended it. But he said he'd always be my friend. I spent the entire day begging him for another chance... but he was firm on his decision. He didn't want to wait... or try again... we said good night for the last time and I haven't contacted him since... that was 3 days ago I want him back though. Even though the events I talk about here were mostly negative there were enough positives that I felt happy and satisfied. We shared all our interests and had the same values for the most part. He treated me right, giving me lots of affection and encouragenent. And I tried my absolute hardest to do the same for him. I miss him so much and I'm hurting so much. People say it will get better with time or that I'll meet someone else but I'm so weird that the average person is turned off by me. I'm also so socially anxious that even though I manage it well, I do need a partner that is patient and supportive and that was him until he left. I truly believe we could have worked things out and we were good for each other... I don't know what to do or how I can get him back Anyways if you got to this part thank you for reading this much. I really appreciate it
Search more from @ShadowDragon444
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
9 total badges
Hand Shake Linked Honest Voice First Post Reaching out Helping out First Compassion Surviving Breakups Teammate
Report an issue