Silentaria Member Profile

...See more Hello! So I went to a psycologist a month ago to get a diagnosis. I don't know if he was the most professional because we only talked and he didn't use any formal assessments but I was told that on top of my persistant depressive disorder I also have Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD) This diagnosis has honestly felt like a death sentence. I study psychology already, so I knew personality disorders were difficult to treat. But I was shocked to find there are no clinical studies on SPD or even advice for treatment. I couldn't continue meeting with this psychologist because his lowest rate was $150/hr and I'm currently unemployed. I have health insurance but it seems like local therapists only specialize in anxiety and depression. I've called multiple clinics and been turned away. No one has a clue about what to do for personality disorders, let alone SPD. All the studies paint this picture of narcissistic types (It's not) who believe they are in no need of help, that they are perfect as they are and just want the entire world to leave them alone. Somehow, I'm the exception. I deal with constant feelings of wanting to have relationships in my life, in needing people, but then inevitable disappointment whenever I interact. People quickly weigh me down with their problems, bore me with their lack of insight or interests, and either find ways to make use of my empathetic nature or push me away because of my eccentricities. I used to be very social growing up-despite being an introvert-and yet now I only feel truly peaceful when I'm completely alone. As a whole I think people are great. I walk into situations excited to get to know the facets of someone; people fascinate me. Yet, the reality just sucks. I have thought that maybe I have Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) but I don't have typical social anxiety. I can leave my house and talk to people and publically present and previously worked in a field with constant client contact and socialization. Though I get worried that people hate me this is completely unaffected by their comments; the worry stems from my own self-hatred and doubts so my anxiety exists whether or not people are present. If I get insulted or complimented I find it annoying; I know who I am and prefer to keep things impersonal. I hate being touched--I shut down completely--and prefer to keep my life private despite craving for people to actually know me. Is there anyone else on here that struggles with SPD or AvPD? Any advice on seeking treatment? I've done DBT and EMDR as well as psychotherapy and CBT; I am a big advocate for therapy, it just hasn't worked for me. My therapists like me and get interested in the abuse I suffered as a child and it just turns into them wanting to delve into my past without providing any technique on how to improve my current life style. As flattering as it should be to be showered with compliments for surviving what I have and getting admiration for my creativity and drive, I find myself wasting money and time in the therapy chair. I've also tried an assortment of antidepressants but they all give me seratonin syndrome; I even had one anti-depressant send me into a manic state. My brain is in a constant depressive fugue; sometimes hours pass by without me even knowing it. I'm desperate at this point. Everything I try isn't working and I find it pointless to live a life without anyone in it. No one is an island and yet here I am with no family and no friends. I want my personal relationships to actually mean something; I want to be able to let people in and be able to tell when people will be toxic before it's too late. I want to actually enjoy living instead of just surviving. What should I do now?

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