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This may get long, it's continued from this post [https://www.7cups.com/forum/RelationshipSupport_66/RelationshipQuestions_1034/IwasplayedforsexhowdoImoveonfromthis_60916/] and this post [https://www.7cups.com/forum/RelationshipSupport_66/RelationshipQuestions_1034/HowdoIbreakawayfromthisguy_62729/], but this post contains all of it up-to-date.
I'm continuing to struggle, I'm slowly starting to come back to reality from a relationship that was clearly a total fantasy used to manipulate me, he was coersive by using my feelings to get me to be more agreeable and how upset I am with what was such a non-relationship.
I started dating xxx on 21st January after talking online a few weeks - he asked me to go home with him on the first date, we slept together on the second date, we had a third date without sex, since then weve spent three nights together. Ive no regrets about this.
At first I agreed to a date to be polite, our first date was so awkward I nearly ran, but damn did he win me over. I really like him, he's one of the best guys Ive been with in terms of his personality and how he was treating me when were together. Hes funny, laid back, caring, sweet, still, interesting, smart, free spirited, and to me he was very beautiful. I clearly fall too easily and too fast, but it felt like it should.
- I felt so happy, content, and safe when we were together.
- The intimacy helped to snap me out of my depression too.
The sex is awesome and from the first night together I felt completely safe with him - as a rape survivor this is incredibly important, also despite feeling very intimidated by his sexual experience I didn't feel too self-conscious and feeling safe with him meant I was able to be submissive too. In time and in a relationship, after getting to know each other, sex could have become absolutely mind-blowing.
But…
- He doesnt want a relationship and doesnt believe in love.
- He wanted to have sex with others, also he wanted us to have sex with other people together.
It wasn't clear from the start this was his deal, he made a comment on our second date but I couldn't clarify it with him at the time, he made jokes about other women but he'd avoid clarifying on odd little comments - I chose to ignore this thinking it was just my anxiety trying to ruin things, right from the start my anxiety was really high so I was terrified of scaring him off. On Valentine's Day I heard nothing from him all day, which is normal as he's busy at university and work, but you still expect Valentine's Day to at least be acknowledged.
Then I saw he was on a dating site, so there was some discussion and he treat it like a joke so I finished things with him - within four lines via PM it was over, his response at the end was strange so I wasnt sure what he meant and he seemed apathetic about letting me go. I told him I was quitting him, explained it's because he didn't want a relationship and I couldn't pretend to be okay with that, and his response was so vague and apathetic. I was upset, and unable to stop thinking about him. For two weeks I drove myself mad, unable to figure out if I'd done the right thing by ending things as I didn't have the full story, maybe there was an explanation or I'd been expecting too much to expect exclusivity so soon. I asked my therapist (last session with him so not available now) to take a look at the last messages, they suggested this guy liked me so I should talk to him about not wanting him to date others and go from there.
He got back in touch two weeks later, asking me why he didn't hear from me any more - a bit of game-playing considering I ended it with him, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and followed my therapists advice. We talked a little online and I was easily talked into seeing him to talk about how things ended. We met up late last Saturday night and we went back to his and the whole truth about his weirdness came out, his explanation seemed reasonable at the time - although he's still a little vague, for example he's expressed the idea of having me as his one main partner and having others who worship me but he's also been straight-up wanting multiple partners in a conventional sense. He still wanted to have multiple partners, which I still wasn't okay with but I pretended I was to try to continue things with him.
Hed been talking to other women and he may have sex with them soon - he says he hasn't had sex with anyone else yet, but there are two he's been talking to, he only told me any details about one - I tried to act like 'hey, I can be casual' but I knew it'd break my heart. Aside from all this breaking my heart, the issue with non-monogamy is in being compared to another partner: if they're more attractive or can better tailor to his weird-ass sexual fetishes, what if he decides he prefers them to me or decides he actually wants a relationship with them. I dont understand how people can have such relationships without it destroying them with jealousy.
A few things to mention - he got jealous I had a date with someone else when we first started dating (he came across a little controlling and possessive, a few odd things make me think he has a thing for keeping me for himself but he argues that this isnt the case at all), hes accidentally called himself my boyfriend a few times, he spends time hanging out and trying to get to know me outside of just sex, and theres been a lot of drama but hes stuck around. He sometimes acts like were in a relationship, but clearly thats not the deal.
So…
When with him I'd become so intoxicated by him I just couldn't think straight, Ive genuinely considered going on dating sites to find women for us Ive been so keen to keep him. When not with him I slowly snap out of it and turn into a deeply hurt anxious mess who realizes how much of a mug I am to not tell him to fuck himself! The second I talk to him again the switch is flipped again.
He clearly knew I was developing feelings for him and clearly he was acting like we were in a relationship, I feel he was knowingly being manipulative and coercive...making me feel loved and cared for so I was more likely to agree to what he was asking of me. He made out like what he was asking was perfectly okay, even suggesting it was like being in a polyamerous relationship (it wasn't - I've had multiple people telling me to run from him, including polyamerous people who pointed out this is abusive) and talking about how people get too hung up on ideas like love or how people ruin sex by over thinking it...I kept agreeing, but it feels like he was trying to guide me.
He made this relationship feel so much bigger than it was, it also meant I responded bigger...not just in being infatuated with him but also expecting more from him, so in turn I ended up feeling guilty for expecting too much of him - e.g. I ended it as I caught him on a dating app but I give him another chance as we'd not been dating long enough to be exclusive, or my avoiding contacting him too much to avoid seeming clingy. I was a total basket case trying to walk this line between showing interest and not showing too much interest.
So we got together again last Saturday, had a nice Sunday together that felt like the first relationship-type time we'd spent together as we just sat talking for a while and he seemed genuinely caring, but then I heard nothing from him until late on Monday - he was passive aggressive about my not contacting him as if he was annoyed that I wasn't putting enough effort into keeping in contact with him, but I'd only avoided contacting him thinking that he needed to be left to work and rest as he'd been very busy. He didn't continue talking on Monday night and then on Wednesday he seemed annoyed at me for tryin to get his attention too as he was busy - there was no winning, annoyed if I didn't talk and annoyed if I did. He then said he'd been thinking about us (like he was going to end it) before asking loads of weird questions about my bedroom...why it's set-up that way, why I've little furnature in my bedroom, how I could afford my flat, etc.
I've no idea what the bedroom questions were about, I swear there was some ulteria motive like implying I was a sex worker or something!
I knew I had to end it with him as clearly no matter what he wanted sex with multiple partners, including us all at once, and I was not okay with that so even without all the drama and manipulation/coercion I had to end it. The fact it sounded like he was going to end it himself gave me an out, I sent a long message explaining he was selfish and expected too much of me without giving much in return (he was always busy, I felt like a booty call or like I was bothering him, when we did have sex he was too tired to do much and he didn't contact me much) - I feel a little silly now given as this 'relationship' was only a month long, it seemed too heavy but I still felt I had to say it.
He was manipulative, coercive, selfish, bordering on abusive...but I liked him so much, whenever I think about him I think about all the bautiful things about him, how amazing he was, how attractive he was, etc. I think about the 'relationship' as I believed it was, as he made me believe it was, which was just a beautiful fantasy - I'm finding it so hard to snap out of this, I'm basically mourning a man and a relationsip that didn't exist rather than facing the reality that I was horrifically manipulated and it's completely messed with my head!
I just can't seem to see the reality of the situation, I'm still romanticising a guy who manipulated and used me.
Today on top of this I just feel silly for making such a big deal about a one-month 'relationship' too.
I just feel so erratic trying to figure out what on earth was real and what wasn't, if I did something wrong or not, there is no doubt in my mind that there are manipulation and coercion so this is exactly why I'm such a mess and struggling to come out of this situation now.
