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I'm 34 years old. I've been depressed for a very long time, most of my life. Growing up, I've heard remarks from others, and I learned to hide it very well. I don't sleep much, normally 1-3 hours a night(for as long as I can remember). I work 40-50, sometimes 60+ hours a week(might as well, don't sleep anyways.) I am always tired and feel run down. My body hurts. I have a good job, and provide well enough for my Wife and children. I often feel that they deserve better. I don't feel like I deserve to be punished. I don't cut or harm myself, but when I get hurt I don't think I feel pain like other people, and never take pain medication. I've had my shoulder out of socket, broken bones, smashed off part of my finger(all by accident\not paying enough attention to what I was doing). But I refused pain medication at the hospital, and didn't get my perscriptions of pain meds filled. I mean it hurt, it just doesn't hurt enough that I need help dealing with it. I never discuss feeling like this with anyone because I don't want them to look down on me, judge me or feel pity for me. This is also why I learned to hide it very well. I perform great at work, gotten a few promotions and several raises and my co-workers are very happy with my performance. A lot of people like me and enjoy my company, they probably consider me an aquaintance or even a friend. I don't feel like I have any friends. I always try to make others laugh and/or put a smile on other peoples faces. I often feel like the world would be better off without me. I don't feel suicidal or want to commit suicide. I felt that way years ago, maybe in my early 20's. But i haven't been suicidal or felt like harming myself in a very long time. I feel like I simply want to cease to exist or live alone or with my family on a deserted island somewhere far away from people. I don't gain or lose weight. The only motivation for working is so my family can enjoy [thier]life as much as possible I have been unable to find a way to do so far in mine. I don't want them to be like me. I am miserable and have been so for as long as I can remember. Please don't suggest going to a Doctor. I hate going to hosptials and try to avoid going there for any reason unless it is something serious, or life threatening, like smashing my finger off, having a fever of 104.7, shoulder out of socket, etc. I don't have many hobbies, my computer used to be the only thing I really enjoyed. I used to joke about it with my wife and called my computer "my mistress" and the only other thing she(my wife) would ever have to worry about taking me away from her. But lately I don't even get any pleasure or happiness from that. My sex drive is gone. I have no direction in life, no motivation other than to provide for my family and I feel Like my existence is pointless. I don't know, maybe pointless isn't the right word. Not sure how to really describe it. I am tired of life and living. The only reason I wake up every day is so that my wife and children will have and be provided for.
I was talking online to someone I work with, and he was telling me about his trouble and how depressed he felt. I told him things pass and life will get better. and he kept going on. I told him that others have it worse, and he has a lot to look forward to. He kept going on. I told him about my life, how I thought I was abandonded at age 12 cause my mother always told me if I didn't behave she was going to take me out and leave me somewhere, or that if I didn't hurry she was going to leave me, and that one day I thought she had finally left me, that I walked 13 miles before the police found me and picked me up, how it was the longest walk of my life and that i had a lot of time to think about why my family no longer wanted me, how no other family would ever want me, and what I should tell the police if they found me so they wouldn't put me in a home just to have them get rid of me later.
i told him about doing massive amounts of drugs when I was 19-22, how at one point a long time cocaine user even asked me if I was sure I'd be ok because he had never seen anyone shoot the amount of coke I was about to inject(I don't do drugs or drink and I haven't for about 6 years now and also quit smoking a little over a year ago). I told him how I didn't think I would live to be 21, and honestly didn't want to live then. I told him a lot of things I have never told anyone except my wife. I got tired of hearing him complain about how hard he had it when he pretty much was spoiled all his life and now had to work to pay his bills instead of having mommy and daddy hand it to him. He realized that he actually had it pretty good and apologized to me, and I didn't tell him anymore about my past or anything else that I experienced.
I realized that I lived a pretty messed up life. I had to grow up way to early and learned that the only person I could ever depend on was myself. I still feel this way, I never ask any one for anything or any help. I really don't know why I'm here or what I am after. But I really don't feel like living anymore. To be perfectly honest, What I would really like and I feel would truly make me happy would to be lay down and go to sleep, and never wake up. Not die, just sleep forever. I have tried everything I could think of over the course of my life to make me happy, but nothing works. Money, family, traveling, drugs, abusing myself, experimenting with my sexuality, having people like me, nothing works. I don't know what will make me happy or how to make myself happy.
I have felt this way for a long time, but this is the worst the feeling has ever been. I think I need help. I don't want my family to go without or ever feel like they are alone and have no one to help them or depend on. For the first time in my life since I was 12, I honestly no longer know what to do so I am typing this up. I have went back up and edited and added to this post 5 times now. My mind is in overdrive as it always is, and I always come up with some plan, or some reason to go on, but this time I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I really think I need help for the first time in a very long time.
