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This is my first time posting on here and i'm not really sure what the rules are or if anyone will see this, but here goes. Beware this is a long winded message, but if anyone has the time to read it through and give their input, i would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much !!!
The other day my relationship with my first bf ended and at first i felt so liberated, but now i feel conflicted. The relationship was so emotionally taxing for me. I didnt realize it until now that he was manipulative, controlling, and selfish and didnt want to be with me because he liked me or wanted to get to know me, but because he just wanted to use me however he wanted, sexually, and have someone to control. I had a bad feeling for awhile and I thought it was my fear of commitment, but I see it was because he didnt have good intentions, but he hid it so well. We met on an online dating app and i was drawn to his confidence and his readiness to talk on the phone and just talk in general (for me that's just a big deal that he took initiative to do it right away). We lived on separate islands and so after talking for a few weeks, i decided to go and visit him. I was nervous because it was a little scary but it went well. We had a good time together and went out together a few times and i felt really good about him, but still wary bc it was my first time going out with a guy seriously. Nothing serious happened, he did get ahead of himself but when i told him i wasn't ready he said he respected me and didn't want to upset me. When i got back home we relied a lot on texting bc of his work and he'd always say cute things like he cared about me and he missed me. But as time went on and we got more used to talking to each other i felt like he wasn't making an effort to get to know more about me and my family life and it's like things stayed at a surface level. Instead of getting to know me he would always want to talk about sexual things even though I told him I wasnt comfortable or ready. I found out most of the time we'd talk on the phone he would be drunk but he was so incredibly sweet and would talk so much about his life and family and i thought that was the real him but when he i found he was sober he wouldnt give me much time or attention (I wasnt a needy person). He wouldnt talk about serious things when I asked him and he wouldnt make the effort to call me (he would decline my calls when he was too busy so i stopped calling). At one point there was a big fight that happend about a month and a half in, because my parents disapproved of the relationship bc we weren't the same religion and that did cause a strain and he got drunk and said some hurtful things to me, but the next day he apologized, said he wouldn't do that and he cared about me so i forgave him and kept up contact with him, but it did hurt me so I didn't want to move too fast back into the relationship. As time went on he'd always want to talk about sexual things and i'd say i was uncomfortable and he'd say this is how a relationship is and that i need to help him out since we can't see each other, but i told him even if we could i wouldn't be ready to do those things or talk about them -- i needed to get more comfortable with him and still learn and talk about the basics with him. Eventually he wore me down and i complied to a few things he asked me to do and it made me feel really bad about myself. He even brought up the idea of getting married so he could get extra money from the government (he is in the Navy) but he wanted me to lie about it and i told him it wasn't a good idea, but he would constantly bring it up and push. The other night we were talking and he brought it up again and i told him again how i felt, that it wasn't a good idea and he said i need to think about it because if i cared about him i would do this for him. That didn't make me feel good and later that night after he went to bed i texted him and said i don't feel comfortable lying and hiding things from my family and that it wouldn't be a good idea but it didn't mean i didn't care about him and that i didn't want to help him. Well the next day he woke up and was so angry with me and then we ended up having a big fight that led to him ending the relationship and he said its because I said i wouldnt marry him and that I never cared for him bc I didnt give him enough sexual gratification or do what he wanted and I was too religious (we never talked about religion and I never forced it on him bc I didnt want to). After he said a lot of things, some hurtful i told him i want to give it a chance to talk about it and see if we can work something out. But he stuck by his decision and so i said i complied bc i didn't want to force him to change his mind. Later that day he texted me and hed give me one more chance, but a lot would have to change — he said Id have to marry him so he can save up money for a house, Id have to not text him at night anymore, and Id have to find something sexual to do for him even if I wasnt ready or comfortable. In that momet i became so disgusted by him and couldn't believe he just wanted to use me for his gratification and basically just be an object. I eventually told him i was not okay with being treated like an object and that all my respect for him went out the window and that you can't push someone you say you care about to do things they aren't ready for, especially sexual things. He tried to get me to feel guilty and blame it on my religion and say that i never liked him and tried to use an excuse for his lack of communication due to his work and him being stressed (which i did understand bc he would always say he was very busy so i tried to give him time and not force him to communicate more, but i did ask him many times to try to make time to call me and talk with me). I am upset with myself that I didnt leave sooner but I sincerely thought I was just afraid of committing and pushed my bad feelings about the relationship and him down. At one point in the relationship he physically hurt me when he was drunk and even then I didnt run, and Im ashamed by it. I am proud that i was able to stand firm and end it and didnt cave in to what he wanted. I told him I dont deserve to be treated like an object and deserve to be with someone who wants to get to know me and takes the time to build a meaningful relationship, not one thats based solely on making him feel good and satisfying him in a physical way. I cant help but feel bad that I let him control me for as long as he did and Im upset I lost my way a bit, but i am so happy and relieved to be out of this relationship. I know I shouldnt ever feel the way I did if someone has genuine and good intentions and wants to get to know the real me and not just use me. But now my dilemma after a few days is, was this whole relationship a lie? Did he really never care about me and did his intentions always have an underlying mission? I see i couldn't let myself get close to him and i am glad i didn't bc he basically just wanted me to please him, but with the kind things he'd say and the times we were together, there were some good moments, but also looking back, he would drink a lot and so it wasn't him that i liked being with, it was the intoxicated version that was sweet and kind. I am just in a rough place and it's hard to have a clear outlook on this. I know he didn't make me feel like a person just by the way the conversation would turn and i see that in itself was a red flag, but i guess i'm looking for confirmation that he was up to no good.
