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SpaceChick
683 M Embraced 5
PathStep 66 Compassion hearts26 Forum posts48 Forum upvotes51 Current upvotes51 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2020 Member sinceJune 30, 2018
Bio
I'm a returning student. I love reading (mainly philosophy books, but I also love some classic fiction). I love all things space and physics. I also enjoy painting and music that takes me to other worlds. I guess you could call me a dreamer. Just trying to stay grounded. I have ADHD and I'm currently dealing with a sad breakup.
Recent forum posts
Depression and anxiety led to breakup. Hard to cope.
Relationship Stress / by SpaceChick
Last post
 July 17th, 2018
...See more One year ago, I met my boyfriend during a dark time in my life. My elderly parents are very ill (one with cancer, the other with debilitating diabetes, etc.), I had just lost my job, I had just defeatedly moved back to my parents where the stress of being constantly faced with their illnesses made me feel guilty and unable to help, I was still reeling from the final goodbye to a guy I had unrequited love for the past decade of my life just a few months prior, my self-esteem was on a swift decline... just so many things happening and I was feeling high levels of anxiety for the first time in my life about things I used to enjoy, like flying or driving long distances. I met this guy and he was just so incredibly wonderful. I knew it wasn't the right time to start a new relationship in my mental state and living situation. My friends kept saying, "there will never be a right time for love" and that I shouldn't pass him up. I told him my situation and that I wanted to take things slow. He was very understanding. But I eventually threw out my hesitations and I started falling for him and wanted to see more and more of him. Unfortunately, life outside the relationship wasn't getting better and I was having one crisis after another. The day he was going to ask me to be official, he picked me up and I was a mess because my cat of 10yrs just died. My mom got sent to the ER when he wanted to surprise me with another special outing. The timing of every crisis was almost darkly comedic. And all I could do is talk about my problems. We never got to experience a honeymoon phase or really any sort of peace. 6 months in, he reluctantly shared that he was never able to feel all the butterflies he wanted to feel with me. He tried his best not to blame me, but it was clear my stresses had been weighing on him tremendously. This suddenly gave me anxiety that he was going to leave me. And he did. We broke up 6 months ago and both sobbed, feeling like things were cut short and that maybe we should give it more a chance. In 2 weeks we got back together and I thought things would be different. But life remained the same and I was still very depressed. He made a great effort to make me feel cared for, but this last month my anxiety went through the roof with new stressors. I blew up on him and told him I'm constantly afraid he's going to leave me because who would want to be with someone who cries and is anxious all the time with constant crises?! To which he said he's not feeling a connection and that he feels guilty because he feels like he's a bigger stress in my life than I need right now. And with that, we broke up. I'm finding it incredibly hard to cope. I feel he cares deeply about me and is still trying to be there for me at a distance by remaining reachable, but I feel an overwhelming frustration that he never got to know a better side of me to fall for the way he wanted to. It's hard to explain to someone that this isn't "the real you" if that's all they know. I know I need to take this time to focus on myself and my life because even if we tried again right now, my problems and anxieties would still be there because my self-esteem has plummeted in the past couple of years. One thing is, I'm back in school. Hoping that finishing would give me a much-needed self-esteem boost. But I can't help but get severe stomach pains when I think about him possibly finding someone new in the meantime and feeling a great connection with someone who isn't sad and stressed all the time. I feel physically ill from this and sometimes even vomit. I feel so very low. I wish I could speed up the healing process and have everything my life magically get better so that we could meet again when I feel myself. Maybe that's not even an option to him, but I like to imagine that it is. :'( How do I focus on healing and tackling the issues in my life I can control when all I can think about are the facts that things are over with him and that we couldn't meet at a better time in my life?
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