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Sparky45
521 M Embraced 4
PathStep 12 Compassion hearts23 Forum posts53 Forum upvotes76 Current upvotes76 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2022 Member sinceDecember 14, 2020
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Amazing how one little thing....
Anxiety Support / by Sparky45
Last post
 January 15th, 2021
...See more I've been having some great days without an major anxiety / depression issue for the past several weeks. Exercise, eating better, reading, and new coping techniques all seem to have been helping. Then today I didn't hear from someone who I was supposed to, so I reached out. I got a quick text back but nothing else. And that was enough to start the anxiety. All I want to do now is go home and sit/sleep/cry. I feel like I'm back on square one. Unlike what the books say, it's not that I'm worried about bad happening to this person - it's just an unnamed dread and feeling of being unwanted.
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Anxiety from reading fiction or watching TV/Movies
Anxiety Support / by Sparky45
Last post
 January 4th, 2021
...See more Part of my anxiety started years ago. I noticed it when I could no longer watch new fiction without nervousness, tight muscles, and sweats. Normal anxiety stuff. It came to a head watching Doctor Who (in 2005)....I just could finish the season. I loved the show, but the "feels" were too much. It's been getting worse since then. My son had to beg me to watch movies with him and, if I did, by the end a was a wreck. I can watch shows I've seen before, mostly, with no problem and I have little problem with documentaries. The same thing happens when reading new fiction...which really sucks because I've always been a bookworm. Non-Fiction is fine, but pick up a fiction books and I a bundle of nerves all the way through. I've forced myself to read a few new books and while I like the stories, it's like a torture to force myself through. I hoped that by enjoying the stories and making myself finish despite the anxiety, I would break the cycle - but it doesn't seem to work. And when I have good days with no "anxiety epsisodes" I'm almost scared to read because I'm afraid I'll trigger something. I hate being broken.
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My Journal
Journals & Diaries / by Sparky45
Last post
 January 9th, 2021
...See more 1/2/21 - Just moving my journal from another forum to this one.....
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Is this separation anxiety?
Anxiety Support / by Sparky45
Last post
 January 4th, 2021
...See more I was a single parent and now my son is a college senior. My issues have being getting worse (and then better then worse) since he left home. I tend to freak out when my son doesn’t communicate with me. He’s an adult, he has to live his own life, and I must learn to deal with it. Those are fine words, but so difficult to actually accomplish. I just want a “good morning” or “hello” text. Maybe a touch base during the day. When I don’t hear from him, the anxiety ramps up and causes me to not be able to function on anything else. If I do successfully “not worry” I am numb to everything else I am doing because I am suppressing emotions. I’m not sure what I am worried about. Intellectually, I know he loves me, I know he is alive, I know he is fine. But emotionally, I need the contact. This is one of my two biggest triggers and one, I really want to learn to control and deal with because it stops me in my tracks. The anxiety turns into depression and then all I can do is cry and sleep….which sets off my other triggers. I need to find a solution to this. Sparky
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A Journal of my Journey: 12-21-20 (A “Meh” day is better than a bad one.)
Depression Support / by Sparky45
Last post
 January 3rd, 2021
...See more Work was fine. All day was ok, only one little anxiety increase and that was related to a customer issue that a “normal” person would have reacted the same way to. Was a bit depressed and losing focus/motivation on the way home. So much to do, so overwhelming, and just unable to see a reason for being….but I forced through. My son will be home for 2 days for Christmas and I’m working on cleaning (a bit.) I ate healthy, researched more on diet/exercise/losing weight in relation to depression and anxiety. Hoping it can help me since I won’t do medication and can’t afford therapy. I guess my only other issue was frustration with 7cups itself. I was trying to make a post explaining a past depression episode. The algorithm (or whatever) kept saying “Are you in crisis?” and would not allow me to post. I understand the purpose and maybe erroring on the side of caution if good - but if I was actually in crisis then not being able to post might have been enough to push me further. (What do I know?) Sparky
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My journal of my Journey 12-20-20 (Wish weekends were easier)
Depression Support / by Sparky45
Last post
 January 2nd, 2021
...See more Sunday was ok until around 1230. I hadn’t heard from my son (who is in college and an adult) and started getting anxious and depressed. This is another one of my triggers I am trying to work through. It’s not that I need a conversation, just if I don’t get a “good morning” or “hello” I start to freak out. Anxiety followed by extreme nervousness and then depression. It’s usually when I feel my worst. I’m usually not worrying about anything in particular about hime (I know he’s safe and has his own life.) It’s just that I am no longer seeing him and in control of what he does. Three weeks ago I hit the lowest point I’ve ever been at. My college son hadn’t sent me a text for awhile, I was looking around being overwhelmed by my filthy house, and I just couldn’t do anything. I hid in bed and napped when I could, but was a wreck. I forced myself to go out and get gas then something to eat. Or so I planned. After pumping the gas, my will just left me. I sat in the car and started to cry. About nothing. (My son not texting, filthy house, his breakup with his girlfriend, money….life.) I skipped dinner and went home. At home I started to lookup surefire and painless ...well you know. I JUST WANTED THESE FEELINGS TO END. I got up and called my son. I know he’s an adult, but I needed to talk to him to calm down. I hate the fact that my peace revolves around him and know it’s not healthy. I also don’t want him to feel he has to be my savior. I’m trying to learn to let him lead his own life and not be so needy on my end. Sparky
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A Journal of my Journey: 12-19-20 (I survived - but it could have been better)
Depression Support / by Sparky45
Last post
 December 21st, 2020
...See more One of the major triggers of depression and anxiety for me is the condition of my home. I’m not a hoarder, I'm just too “lazy” to clean. It’s always been this way but, now as the house has steadily gotten filthier and less taken care of I get overwhelmed. I was having a decent day getting a bit of cleaning done in anticipation of my son coming to visit from college for 2 nights. He’s use to the mess, but I wanted to at least have a few things cleaner than he expected. Then I discovered the washer leaking and saw that it must have been going on for awhile. So there went my anxiety through the roof! The washer’s broken and I must get a new one. (Even though I rent, I will buy it myself because I don’t want my landlord coming in.) So now I’m stressing (but actually not having a freak out totally. I found a washer I can afford and mentally planned the logistics of getting it home. The anxiety calmed, but that also killed my cleaning motivation. Around 1PM I just was in a funk and couldn’t pull out. I could feel one of my depression episodes coming one and decided to take a nap. Woke up around 2PM not feeling super better, but also knowing it was mild enough to muscle through. I wasn’t feeling like making the soup I planned for dinner this week, but forced myself to do it while having some jazz Christmas music in the background. I also went out for my Saturday night adventure. Go get gas, go to check mail and, this week, a trip to Trader Joe’s. I even made a trip to Walmart for exciting things like socks and a new dish drainer. Thanks for listening…. Sparky
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