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Sparky4545
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PathStep 12 Compassion hearts12 Forum posts12 Forum upvotes14 Current upvotes14 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2022 Member sinceOctober 28, 2019
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My journey journal: Step One was easy. It
Anxiety Support / by Sparky4545
Last post
 November 3rd, 2019
...See more Its difficult to write about anxiety this morning because Ive had a decent week. For the majority of the days there was I had no uncontrollable episodes and the few I did have were dealt with using some short term coping techniques (deep breaths. Pleasant scents. Herbal tea). But part of learning to cope (and trying to get ME and my life back) is continuing to move forward. The first steps (Step One) was to start identifying my triggers and then define what I can control. I have done that and really found 3 major issues that seem to bring me problems and bring one an attack or meltdown. The good news is that there are things that I can do, I think and hope, to address those triggers. Im not sure if the anxiety will go away if I fix them, but if they are bothering me then making them go away cant be a bad thing. Now the problem is taking that Step Two - working on eliminating the causes and effects. And that is where I get stuck. For example, one of the biggest causes of anxiety in my life is that I am a slob. Not a hoarder level packed to the ceiling clutter, but its filthy. Ive never been a good housekeeper and to get things up to par at this point would take days if not weeks. It is overwhelming. Since I am a renter, it adds even more worry. What if the landlord wants to inspect? What if I have to have a repairman in? What if the find out and I get evicted? People have said, Just get started. Clean one thing. Keep doing that until done. But its not that simple and though their intentions are good they dont suffer with anxiety and dont understand how it stops you. Ive tried the small steps. Clean the kitchen counters first step. Maybe 15-30 minutes into the process I see the fridge needs a huge scrubbing. That will take hours. Oh look at the floor. I have to get on hands and knees for hours there too. The rug need shampooing. The windows. The bath. It goes on and on. And so my Im going to get this done turns into an anxiety attack. The mind and heart racing. The sweating. The inability to focus. And then the shutdown. Going and hiding in a nap hoping that waking up Ill feel better. Then the guilt. Look at all the time Ive wasted that I could have been cleaning. The cycle starts again. I work long hours so the weekends are my only free time to clean. When an attack happens and I only get 30 minutes or so done the guilt sets back in and the hopelessness that Ill never get out from under this. Ive even taken vacation days trying to get some cleaning done. Same results. Get started. Get overwhelmed at the scope. Freak out. Run and hide. Guilt. Rinse Repeat. So the question is (asked mostly to myself) is how to I get started on Step Two - resolving this issue. Baby steps arent working and Im not sure how to take the big step. If I can figure this out then I think Im on the way to helping myself a lot. Deep breath and Peace Sparky.
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My journey journal: A place to vent and examine my feelings.
Anxiety Support / by Sparky4545
Last post
 November 1st, 2019
...See more Admitting that I was having issues beyond just "being a worrier" was liberating. Working on self-help coping methods, short term fixes, and reaching out to the community has been helpful. But there are just so many things running through my head. I have tried writing them all out for myself and it helps. It just doesn't seem to have the impact on me I was hoping. It still feels as if I am still keeping everything bottled up. I'm not sure I'm ready to chat with a "listener" yet. I have had some bad experiences when I try to talk to people about my anxiety (even people with the same issues) and I am nervous that more such experience with make things worse. Instead I have decided to use this platform as my journal. To document my thoughts and experience and try to work out stuff. If no one reads or comments on anything I post, that's fine. I'm putting it out there and I think that will be a huge help in my dealing with this issues. If some supports me or has suggestions, that even better. If someone says "Me too!" or "It helped me to know I'm not alone." then awesome. Thanks for listening. Deep Breath and Peace! Sparky.
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