StarrieSaturn Member Profile

Day two of 32

Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn

February 20th, 2025

My roller coaster of a week, please give advice if possible for how to cope :(

Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn

February 16th, 2025

...See more Context, I got this boyfriend, we’ll call T, we had classes since sophomore year when I had moved here, and we’re now seniors, he graduated early last month, I still have this semester to finish til graduation Sunday: I usually cannot talk on the weekends due to strict parents, and the fact my phone had broke and I still haven’t yet to get a new one, but I got to contact T from my brother’s phone and I wanted to see how his weekend had been, he had said “I wanted to talk, it’s important, we’ll talk tomorrow” and I know he hates doing things over text, like a lot. And since I only have two classes, I get out of school at 12:30 instead of 3:30, but because my parents don’t know I see him every day since he drives, he has to bring me back to school at 3:30 so I can be on the bus home. Anyways, I managed to call, he said that it’s bad, it’s effecting us, it’s about me and my family and he refused to answer straightly if we were breaking up or not. Monday: I finish up my last class and get in his car like I usually do, and we start talking as we drive back to his place. He tells me that we’re breaking up because, before he was with me, he was in a relationship w some other girl for five years (7th grade, to 12th) and he thinks he might have jumped too soon because it still hurt, but he still loves me so much, and loves me so much more than he loved her, but they had a lot of history though she was abusive, mentally, sexually, physically. Anyways, he also tells me that I need to get better with my mental health cause he knew it was bad to begin with, he just didn’t realize exactly how bad it was and things are clearly getting worse and I’m about to be 18 soon, and he wants me to move in with him right after graduation, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that. But, he tells me as well he can’t do this whole thing w my parents, that he wants to wait until I’m 18, my stress and everything has gone down, and I can live my life more freely and we can talk about trying again. Tuesday: After I had told my dad about it, and my friends, a few of them, including my dad, had said that I was the rebound, when I knew that wasn’t the case, but they had got in my head so I had asked him about it, which he took major offense to that because he had said that it makes it seem like I don’t actually know him and that it showed I didn’t see how much he loved me if I were to just ask that because I started to believe what others were saying about us though they weren’t there, then he refused to answer me because he was upset. Wednesday: I had a job interview he had agreed to take me to, and he would pick me up from school, take me to it, and drop me off. He had said he wasn’t going to talk to me at all and after this day that would be it and he’ll never talk to me again because of what happened Tuesday. But after he had saw me, he knew that he couldn’t do that. Anyways, we didn’t really talk until after the interview, we got a lot out. I didn’t realize how badly I had hurt him by asking what I did, and I see that now, but I wish he would also see it how I meant it, though I wasn’t also in the full right. Anyways, at one point he had asked what was I thinking about, and I had said “I hurt you, and I can’t fix that, I didn’t mean to hurt you, you are the last person I ever want to hurt and I want to make it right but I can’t” and I broke down, cried, etc. and I had said that I think I need a week to myself, he had then said that after today that we will have no contact with each other at all until I turn 18, I told him expect a text at midnight then and he said he’ll be awake for me. We ended up having sex before he dropped me off, but we agreed to waiting. Thursday: I had realized what I want to do with my living situation once I turn 18, (I have divorced parents so my stability is the back and forth, though my mom doesn’t have primary custody of me since I testified against her in court, cause let’s face it, she’s a bad person) (also T just got a job that’s out of town Monday-Wednesday) I feel as if the most beneficial thing for me to do for I want to do in life so I can get there, is for the weekend I’m suppose to be at my mom’s after I’m 18, instead of going there, Friday after school I’ll go to T’s place until Sunday so time before he has to leave for work, and for him to also get rest on Thursday and Sunday as well. But after school is over and once I’m back from being out of state for my dad’s childhood friend’s wedding, I’ll stay with T from Thursday afternoon or evening until Sunday some time. (Also T has a lot of people living at his place for such a small home, though I adore his family, his family is great and I love them, I’m not yet comfortable being around them by myself, especially for a few days) So I feel I should stay with my dad when T is gone, but back when he’s home, and after like 8 months at the least, maybe a year of this, then I’ll move in. But this also doesn’t mean that once it’s summer that I can’t occasionally stay the full week, or head over a day or two early. I’ll compromise for him, I just hope he can understand that I need baby steps and I hope he’s okay with this plan. Friday: Today, the fact that I have to go 32 days without talking to him hurts. And that’s fully setting in. I’m trying to focus on other things, like the things I need to do to be better, and to be healthy and get to where I want and need to be in life, and that’s helping some. But I miss him. I miss him a lot, I just want to ask how his day is, and what he ate, what he talk about to his brothers, if he got to see his little sister, what his mom had said, and what he did with his friends and if work was good or not. But I can’t. I can’t know anything about his life for a month. And that’s killing me because I want to talk. I want to say hi. I want to ask and to know, though I do know, I just want to hear that he’s missing me right now how I’m missing him.

I’m too obsessed

Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn

January 15th, 2025

...See more I got this obsession I cannot control it, nor who it is But I obsess I cling on, and others I let go They are my one, and it’s always my partner For once they’re glued instead of bored So I know it’s true love But then he drives And I get scared he may crash and burn Or then he drinks And I panic that he may be poisoned and choke on vomit Or then he says call in a bit And I pace thinking he may be in trouble But once I’m by his side Or in his bed Or him inside of me I feel free, cause he’s by me and we’re safe I want to stare at his face and just smile And that’s super creepy, I know I know I’m fixated He is my only For him I will not speak to another soul For him I will change who I am for who he wants me to be For him I will do what he wishes of me to do Cause his company is the only thing I care for Cause his approval is all I pray for Cause his satisfaction is it what I feel to give But he’s not like anyone else He loves me when I speak, and concerned when I’m silent He doesn’t make me feel bad for what I love He finds me funny He actually loves me He is my fixation My heart sinks when he leaves And I cry when I can’t be next to him My mind stirs when he’s out To wish I can be shrunken and placed within his pocket I will never have to leave his side And I won’t have to worry if he may die He will be by me, and I’ll be by him I know I know It’s not healthy for him to be my Earth As I am the moon I will always be his one, and I know not to fear of another But the danger of the world taking him from me The selfishness to want him and only him To be greedy and want all of his attention And he is it what I want I am highly dependent on my one He says he likes it that I’m crazy and obsessed But I don’t think he knows the full mess For it has been just a bit over a month And I know after he’s taken me at 17 He will forever be my one The one I marry The only I’ll give myself to The only I shall wake up beside The only I will care about The only I will obsess over The only I will ever need The only I will love with all my life As for him, I have regrets of everyone I said I love you before I’m too fixated, he said wait twenty minutes And I’m sitting here spilling my guts to the internet All because I felt compelled to distract To distract myself for what to come If today will be our last, and his last breath

The Two Guys

Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn

December 18th, 2024

I don’t know what to do, please help or something :(

Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn

October 7th, 2024

...See more I’m stuck. I dated a guy over the summer that I knew for years. He ended up cheating on me, he said he was broken up with the girl in hindsight I set him up with, but that was true for two days even though it was weeks after that when we got together, he never told me that. Anyways, she found out, messaged me, he did too all freak out, my ex who’s friends with my now ex-boyfriend’s now ex-girlfriend, accused me of knowing that he was cheating, when me and that ex were finally on good terms again. Anyways, over that, and now me and the ex-boyfriend have been talking, as friends ofc, cause I have problems of letting go, but I’m talking to this girl now, she’s a grade below me but was held back a year or something, idk, so she’s my age, well actually older by like 3 months or so, but she’s asexual and I’m hyper sexual, which like I’m fine with, but it sucks, but I really do like her, I wanna hold her hand and take her out and stuff, but kissing and everything else is a no. But me and the ex boyfriend were talking for hours yesterday, usually I sit and watch reels on *** but I was stuck talking to him, apparently it was all lies, that he did love me and not him just trying to please me, he was trying to cover himself with being caught cheating. But I still love him, a lot, but I also really like this girl too. I don’t want to hurt her, but my best friend hates this ex boyfriend as well, and said she’ll leave if I get back with him, and I don’t want nor need that. I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do. If I’m with him, my needs will be met, but also it doesn’t help that I’m more into girls, but I don’t know, I really don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice, or can relate or something?

Who else listens to Rare Americans or have anything good to share?

Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn

October 18th, 2024

...See more I’m typically in and out of episodes and stressed between divorced parents houses, school, and dealing with BPD. But I got something good I’ll like to share even if no one sees or responds to this, I got a new burner phone and added back my socials and I was watching reels like I do, cause I have a slight problem with that, and a band popped up that I originally swiped on and then realized for the split second I saw they seemed familiar, so I went back up, and I saw it was the band Rare Americans, which I’ve been listening to them for years and it about them making a third Brittle Bones Nicky, and I squealed, I was so happy and ofc instantly followed them cause apparently I wasn’t already and they’re on tour rn! Currently in Europe but will be in the states soon, it’s 5 months until they’ll just be 55 minutes from me. And, it’s 6 days after my 18th birthday, and the final day of spring for the full bang. I’m so excited, and hopefully going to get their Rhythm Kitchen hoodie, along with ofc buying a tour t shirt there. I really hope I can get good seats and go with I love, I would do my best friend but she said the band seems as if they don’t know what type of music they’re making, anyways, I’m so happy. Things seem to be falling in line and I’m obsessing, literally haven’t listened to any other bands other than Rare Americans recently. And! To make things better, on top of me being actual close friends with a rock star (Venus Blake, she’s so good please check her out if you don’t already listen) but I messaged the band, Rare Americans, and they actually responded!!! Which like made my day. I’m so happy, everything for the most part is prefect rn.

How can things go from bad to really bad in not even 24 hours?

Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn

October 9th, 2024

...See more Things were really bad yesterday. I finally got out of the episode, that only lasted maybe 4 hours though. I called my mom out and now her boyfriend is acting like he’s my dad again, when he hasn’t even been in my life for a whole year. My mom is making herself the victim like always, as if there isn’t a reason why in court she lost 50/50 custody over me. I’m almost 18 and a lot has been changing. I thought back in freshman year I would go to college and master in psychology. I took AP Psychology last year and past the exam and everything as a college course. Now I’m not even sure if I’m going to do that. I really just don’t want to be here. My mom is yelling at my sister in the other room right now, and god, she will wake everyone up on days we can actually sleep in for once at the crack of dawn and make it everyone else’s problem. She refuses to take care of us kids and we go to my dad’s house and we’re sick, unfed, dehydrated and everything else. Not even wearing clothes that fit us. I’m tired of this, I’m tired of my unstable relationships I put myself into, I’m tired of the addictions I have, I’m tired how I jump from one thing to the next and that includes people. I’m tired of these episodes. Everyone hates me because they don’t even know me. And all the drama I’m dealing with at school, I don’t know which is worse/funnier, the fact that I’m a lesbian and these girls are calling me a ‘boyfriend stealer’ because I had a project with their partner and needed to know if they were done or not because it was costing me a bad grade, or the fact I set a close friend up and she proceeded to say I was trying to get with the guy??? Or the drama where this girl who I got replaced by from a toxic ex doesn’t believe me when I called out said ex for the SA she did to me and all the other crazy stuff. Can my life please calm down for one minute so I can breathe? I need it to be 8pm already so I can go to my dad’s house and worry about what to do once I’m actually home. Please someone, give me a break.

Why these episodes? What’s it for?

Journals & Diaries / by StarrieSaturn

October 3rd, 2024

...See more 09.21.2024 Hello, so I had a very bad episode again. And funny thing, the last time I had one this bad where I broke some of my favorite things, was screaming at everyone and completely had no self awareness and hurt my body was the last time I was single for over a month. I usually jump from person to person, always getting hurt but not really caring cause I feel the need to like latch onto someone, you know? With me having BPD I’m supposed to experience 80% less of my symptoms when single, yet seems like around a month and a week or two I break, full of anger, then I’m fine as if it never happened. But my family can’t make it seem as if it never happened, they have make sure I remember. But I’m a good person, I think at least, yeah I have my problems and I stay in my mind and can’t seem to understand sonder so well even though I’m 17 years old, turning 18 in about 6 months. It’s really depressing. I will do crazy things and freak out. And what’s worst, is that this freak out episode thing was all because I straightened my hair and I hated the feeling of it, though I literally want to grow my hair out long again, and I couldn’t find an eyeliner. I got so physically uncomfortable I broke. And trying to find shoes for homecoming too, I swear almost every heel isn’t made for a normal human foot, just models, which kills me because a lot of people tell me on a daily basis I should be a model. I really need to get over myself, but it’s so hard. I hate blaming everything on my bpd, but it is a personality disorder, it effects literally everything about me. I wish I can get over it, but it’s been here for so long now, I feel like I would lose the only thing I know if it leaves.

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