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Swoopdewoop
245 M Embraced 2
PathStep 31 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2017 Member sinceAugust 24, 2017
Bio

Hello! I'm swoop, I'm a 25 year old student trying to finish my PhD in astrophysics. I love my animals, the outdoors, and science. I've struggled with anxiety since I was a child, and graduate school has really made managing my panic attacks difficult. My goals of being here are to learn some strategies to control my reactions to stress, as well as remain motivated and goal-oriented on a day-to-day basis.

Recent forum posts
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showing appreciation during panic
Anxiety Support / by Swoopdewoop
Last post
 August 26th, 2017
...See more Background: I have panic disorder and very high anxiety. It sometimes takes very little to trigger me into a spiraling train of throught which can start with tears, and then quickly move to hyperventaliation and close to blacking out when I lose oxygen to my brain. I take medication, and I've done biofeedback training with my doctor to try and control these outbursts, but it's very hard for me to think clearly enough to invoke these techniques when I need them. I live with my boyfriend of 4 years and we do everything together, including work together. So it's not unusual that he is around for the attack or that a small thing he says is what pushes me over the edge. He tells me that while I panicking, I am a different person who is mean-spirited and treats him like shit, and that I yell negative things at him to imply that his importance as well as my own importance is very small. I know that this is true. I also know that while I am in the frame of mind, I feel like he doesn't care about me and is angry at me wasting his time with such silliness and neediness and that I am just being a baby. This makes me very angry with him when I feel like I am pulling away from reality and I feel that instead of being supportive he is annoyed. Sometimes this turns into rage which makes the attack worse, but usually ends with hours and days of guilt. Obviously I apologize. But everytime it's over, I can see how exhausted he is and I just wonder how many more of these he can be around for, and I feel guilt for putting him through it. Part of me wishes that he would just disappear for me to be alone when these things are happening so that I don't have to suck him into it with me. Yesterday, I had one of these episodes. Which was mostly sparked from being stressed about my work, but was set off by him approaching me in a slightly unfriendly manner. Of course I blamed the entire event on his tone, and he blamed the entire event on my mental illness, which just made me more irate at the time. By the end of it, he told me that we needed to take a break because I was bringing his quality of life down and that because of my negative perspective I was effectively not treating him how he deserves to be treated in a relationship. So here's the question: How can I show him that I do appreciate him and love him very much even when I'm panicking? This feels like a large task since I don't think when these episodes happen that either of us knows how to make the other feel safe and supported and appreciated. Tips for either me (as the person undergoing the attack) or him (as a person living with someone with panic disorder) are very welcome.
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