SwordsandPens Member Profile

Not/Good Enough

Depression Support / by SwordsandPens

July 10th, 2025

...See more Today has been a struggle. The weight of not feeling good enough sits heavy on my shoulders like an unshakeable burden. It's like a shadow that follows me everywhere I go, whispering doubts and insecurities into my ears. I look around and see others seemingly excelling in their lives, achieving their goals with apparent ease. Meanwhile, I can't help but feel like I'm falling short, like I'm constantly chasing an unattainable standard of perfection. It's in the small moments that these feelings really hit hard. When I make a mistake, I can't help but berate myself, feeling like I'm not capable enough to handle the challenges thrown my way. When I see others receiving praise and recognition, I can't help but wonder why I'm not achieving the same level of success. It's exhausting, constantly battling these feelings of inadequacy. No matter how hard I try to silence them, they always seem to find a way back into my mind, gnawing away at my confidence bit by bit. But amidst the darkness, there's a glimmer of hope. I remind myself that it's okay to not always feel good enough. It's okay to have flaws and imperfections because that's what makes me human. I'm learning to be kinder to myself, to treat myself with the same compassion and understanding that I would offer to a friend. I know that this journey towards self-acceptance won't be easy, but I'm determined to keep pushing forward. Maybe one day, I'll look back on this entry and see just how far I've come. But for now, I'll take it one step at a time, knowing that even on my hardest days, I am enough.

"Not Worthy"

Poetry / by SwordsandPens

March 22nd, 2024

...See more In shadows cast by doubt's cruel light, I wander lost in endless night. Each step I take, weighed down with fear, For whispers echo, loud and clear. "Not worthy," they chant, with cruel refrain, Echoes of doubt, relentless pain. A heart that aches, a soul that yearns, For validation, yet it spurns. In every glance, in every word, The echo of not being heard. A puzzle missing a vital piece, A melody that cannot find release. I strive to reach for lofty goals, Yet insecurity takes its toll. I paint a smile upon my face, Yet deep within, I feel displaced. Comparisons, a bitter sting, As self-worth falters, on fragile wing. I measure up, or so I try, Yet the bar keeps rising, beyond the sky. But hush now, let me find reprieve, In the gentle whisper of belief. For though I falter, and often fall, In imperfection, I find my call. For in the depths of self-doubt's abyss, I discover strength, I reminisce, That greatness lies not in perfection's sheen, But in embracing flaws, as they've always been. So let me stand, not feeling tall, But knowing I am enough after all. For in this journey, fraught with pain, I find my worth, and I'll rise again.

Anguish

Depression Support / by SwordsandPens

April 13th, 2024

...See more Dear Journal, Tonight, as I sit down to type out these words, my heart feels heavy with a weight that seems insurmountable. Anguish has woven its tendrils around me, tightening its grip with each passing moment. It's as if the air itself carries the burden of my emotions, making it difficult to breathe. The source of my anguish is elusive, a complex tapestry of thoughts and emotions that I struggle to unravel. Perhaps it's the culmination of life's uncertainties, the constant ebb, and flow of challenges that leave me questioning my place in this vast and unpredictable world. The future, once a distant horizon filled with promise, now looms before me with a daunting uncertainty. The relentless pursuit of dreams and aspirations seems to be a double-edged sword, carving both triumphs and tribulations into the fabric of my existence. Every setback feels like a dagger to the soul, each disappointment an echo of unmet expectations. The path ahead is shrouded in a fog of doubt, and the road that once seemed clear now twists and turns into the unknown. There's a pervasive sense of isolation in the depths of anguish, a loneliness that transcends physical proximity. It's as if my soul is adrift in a sea of despair, yearning for a beacon of hope to guide it back to the shores of tranquility. The weight of unspoken words and unshed tears presses on my chest, leaving me breathless in the silence of my internal struggle. Yet, amidst the darkness, there is a flicker of resilience. I remind myself that anguish, though overwhelming, is not a permanent state. It is a storm passing through, and storms, no matter how fierce, eventually give way to calm. This too shall pass, and in its wake, I may find clarity and strength I never knew I possessed. In the stillness of the night, I find solace in the act of pouring my emotions onto these pages. The ink becomes a cathartic release, a silent confidante that bears witness to the turbulence within. As I lay down my pen, I carry with me the hope that tomorrow will bring a gentler dawn, a chance to rise from the ashes of anguish and embrace the possibilities that lie ahead. May this bear witness to the ebb and flow of emotions, a testament to the human spirit's capacity to endure and, ultimately, to find its way back to the light. Yours in the struggle, SwordsandPens

Abuses' Poetic Echoes

Poetry / by SwordsandPens

March 6th, 2024

Can't Breathe

Trauma Support / by SwordsandPens

July 12th, 2016

...See more Pathetic excuses for long-term abuse is something I could never justify with God or anyone for that matter. I always keep the abuse and the pain I deal with inward so no one can see. No one likes to know you're struggling and you don't like letting others know. But isn't that also a problem in itself? Even after coming to terms with the fact that I am being abused, I still find it hard to breathe. How dare you guilt me into thinking this was my fault. Or I think it's being guilt-tripped. I know I will never follow in your footsteps. I will never become a monster like you. I take the hate and the pain and I turn them into care and compassion towards others. Because now, I too, understand that no one deserves to be hurt. This is my confrontation with you, though you will never see this, because I am a coward and you still wouldn't be self-aware enough to take responsibility for the hell you are putting me through! It would still be my fault, and I will still allow you to let me believe that. I shouldn't screw up, I should have done this without being told, I should have done what you said right away. Or you're just not high enough and you take your withdrawals out on my body! My innocence! I have so many emotions right now. I am tormented to my strength's edge over and over and over again. I'm so angry, I am scared, I hurt, I am filled with angst, I am sexually confused, I hate. You expect me to feel sorry for you as if you ever did for me? I've been much better, but at least I am healing. I am finding ways to cope whether they be negative or positive. I am seeking what is best for me and what helps me get through this horror. I hate myself so much and I am tired of hurting. I'm so sorry to those I've hurt while I am hurting.

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