...See more
Hi, I'm at a point where I have to do something or I'll never be able to function in a relationship. I forgot how to love someone in a healthy way. In July 2019 I was widowed after an amazing 13 year relationship. I'm in my 30s & I met some messed up people through Tinder that didn't help. My current boyfriend met me in July 2020. I let him move in around September 2020 because he was spending so much time here, rents a crazy waste of money just to store stuff, & I knew he wasn't happy living with his mom. Everything was great until around Christmas 2020. He used to allow me to look at his phone. One day I noticed he was on Tinder swiping profiles. He said it was a way to pass time, just laughing at females, & not making new matches to pass time. So from that point I started freaking out. Now it's March & I am at my wits end. I gave up my bed & moved this guy into my home out of the blue but it seems like he is always looking at 90lb, barely legal looking, ditzy females. I am nothing like his exs or preference as far as I can see. My insecurities are putting a major strain on this relationship. He is sick of my freak outs. You can only excuse someone's behavior so many times. He is friends with his exs on Facebook & when he messages them he doesn't tell me. It hasn't been a lot but why hide it at all? An ex that is really thirsty, Heather, sent him a message within 2 minutes of seeing my active Tinder account. He waited until he was at work the next day to reply. I popped up because I was deleting my paused account. He refused to tell me his source for obvious reasons but I was able to figure it out easy since he left messenger open on his PC after he passed out drinking. He told Heather I was insecure & going through stuff which isn't a lie. Then he asked if she was single, what is her idea of the perfect man, discussed how she is too lady like to put out on the first date (she made him think she had serious issues like childhood rape, being asexual, or using him for a beard because she wasn't intimate the year he tried to date her), she told him she would put out one day, he told her anyone would be lucky to have her, insert emojis like 😉🤪🤤 & you get my point. She posts all kinds of discouraging stuff on Facebook talking about how patient she is, you just need to read between the lines, & how hard it is loving someone you can't have. He is casually liking her posts. He won't remove her because I am just overreacting & I'll find something else if not her. To be fair I can't 100% say he is wrong because my behavior is erratic. He said he knows Heather is crazy in love but he isn't interested. He was trying to set her up with a friend (I only know of 2 he actually hangs out with barely, both are 33 year old virgins, & one was in a relationship at the time.) & he just reacts on Facebook. This female lives within 5 miles of me. The other ex is literally in my back yard. He casually watches porn. He masturbated in the same room while I was sleeping twice, another time laying next to me in the bed, & casually watched porn next to me in bed once. He watches a lot of soft porn clips on Ticktock. He told me this is normal for guys & most females don't care about it. When we were out on a date I offered to buy him a double. He told me to get it from "the hot" (90lb, pigtails, 21ish) bartender. When I asked him why he watches women he said he only does it because I am not around, he likes butts, and it's better than actually cheating. We all know everyone has issues so this is my dirt. I was talking to my exs with his permission until February. I met two in person, in public with his permission. One was suicidal and the other was a platonic couples date option until I realized he just wanted to sleep with me. I dropped all my exs from Facebook, deleted all the Tinder contacts from my phone, & deleted my dating accounts without him asking me because I knew how it made me feel & I didn't want to be thought of as a cheater. 100% never cheated in my life. I felt bad over Heather's Tinder accusation because it looked bad but since I wasn't cheating I don't feel guilty about it if that makes sense. I was going through his phone and PC. I obsess over not being good enough, why he actually wants to date me, & if he is cheating. I come off as accusational & defensive in many settings. I have serious trust issues. I had to ask him to change his password on his phone so I couldn't look on it anymore. He told me I am bad to jump to conclusions once I get an idea, & I can't let it go. If I ask to see his phone it's accusational regardless of my intentions. I should stop asking friends for advice because I make myself out to be the victim so obviously people will just support my accusations. I also sabotage relationships because I don't want breakups or bad things to drag out. I want to know how to trust him again. I want to stop obsessing over being a stepping stone, not being good enough, and cheating. He told me he feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me. He is always on the defense. He can't do anything to change the way I think because I am stuck in a pattern of behavior I am not sorry for. He doesn't want to be around me when I am freaking out. I can't blame him. He has given me about six chances to get over my breakdowns since December. Noone would want to live like this. I don't want to be like this. He made a good point asking me why I care if he watches Ticktock & porn all day if he isn't hurting anything? I want to trust again. I want to not care about the other females. I want to be happy to come home. I want to be able to trust my own judgment & not act like a crazy, clingy, accusational bitch. So where do I start? I am slowly getting over the porn & Ticktock by forcing myself to give him personal space to do that away from me. I am working on my appearance to fix my insecurities. I am locked out of his phone & I will never ask to see it again to avoid one of my accusational outlets. I think my main habits to break are the trust issues, obsessive negative outlook, jealousy, & jumping to conclusions about small things. Feel free to point out more of my flaws if you notice one I missed. I am more than happy to answer any questions honestly to further clarify my situation. I will try to be non biased but keep in my my perception is a bit warped or I wouldn't be here. I want to clarify this guy isn't a bad person. He must care about me to put up with my behavior.
