Tealsunrise Member Profile

...See more I guess having a little thing like a diary is a good thing, especially if getting feedback is a good idea I am going to start therapy tomorrow, I do my intake with an adult art therapy center downtown and thats pretty exciting. Even with that on the back of my mind I cant seem to be happy today. Im really sad, actually. Im at work, writing this, and the need to just get up and go home to be under my covers is strong. I need the money though, I need to not leave another job because of my depressive episodes and I need to be able to work through this. Im hoping that with the arts therapy, that I will not just be able to express and relax myself through paint and clay, but also back through writing. I miss it, being able to express everything Im feeling in such poetic taste that I feel like Ive lost myself purely based from that. I wanted to be a writer, a teacher and make writing and math fun for young kids. Now Im in the medical field? What kind of bogusness is that? Its like my depression and anxiety has made me functioning enough to do a job that, I honestly, dont know if I wanna do. Im going to school to move up in the lab and I feel like Im doing it to make others proud. Not that I dont feel proud of myself for this - I havent actually felt the need to continue higher education for a long time and this is a huge step for me. I enjoy the classes Im taking, I love the people Ive met even if they can get on my nerves. My confidence has been built up, and Im back to being able to take selfies and care about how I present myself to others. Ive become more head strong in what Im doing, but it feel like in the back of my mind, Im just putting up a facade. Like this isnt who I really am and Im doing these things because I have to. Im a mom because I have to be. Im a girlfriend because I have to be. Im a friend because I have to be. Im a lab assistant because I have to be. What do I want though? I want to go home and sit on the couch with the boyfriend I have to have and cuddle, under a blanket with coffee while we watch a movie. I want a break from everything that Im worrying about, that I push aside until I cant anymore. I want a forehead kiss and for my mom to hold my hair back as I throw up and tell me everything is gonna be okay. Things arent okay, and Im sad of being sick and Im tired of being sad. I feel like I've gotten so far yet I'm in the same spot. I know expecting reward for everything is a little selfish and unrealistic, but I just want my parents to tell me they're proud, to actually care about what I'm doing and care about where my life is at and where it's going. I miss how close we were as a family for a few short years. I miss having that to take for granted, and I miss being able to talk freely to my mom without worry of being verbally attacked about everything I say. What am I doing so wrong? Why can't I be happy for three days in a row, why does the universe have to do switch-a-roos on me and make me feel like I have everything together just to slam me down so hard that I can hardly verbally talk? I'm tired.

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