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TeenyTinyAppy
3,449 M Seeking Light 1
PathStep 104 Compassion hearts111 Forum posts375 Forum upvotes508 Current upvotes508 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2023 Member sinceOctober 10, 2017
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It gets worse before it gets better?
Trauma Support / by TeenyTinyAppy
Last post
 November 7th, 2019
...See more I am just reaching out for I don't even know what tonight. I recently got started with a psychiatrist and have an appointment with a therapist and have started taking some online mindfulness and coping skills classes. This is not the first time I have tried to get help but in the past I haven't been able to stay stable through the initial meeting the doctors and starting to talk about the trauma. I have a complex personality system that has developed over many years and we do not cope well at all with anything negative or painful. I have been told that starting therapy can makes things harder to live through before it gets better and I am honestly scared of beginning this journey. I don't have memories and I don't think I want them. I want to be strong but then again I realize that I may not be strong enough. I am working hard to prepare my life for what may happen. I am working on implementing ideas people have shared with me on staying grounded and self care...but the anxiety is high just thinking about what I need to do to prepare myself. Anyway, I am just sharing because that is part of my therapy needs...to be able to voice what I am feeling. I have barely spoke to people for a long time, so just talking at all is difficult for me to do.
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Is it different than I thought... ****trigger warning****
Trauma Support / by TeenyTinyAppy
Last post
 June 3rd, 2018
...See more So, I was talking with someone yesterday who made me question my thoughts on a sexual encounter a few years ago. I am an abuse survivor who dealt with a lot sexual abuse in my childhood. In this encounter, I had expressed that I did not want to be sexual early in the evening. The guy then proceeded to keep trying and it pushed me into a "freeze" state due to past abuse. I could no longer talk or say no...all I could do is go with the motions. Afterwards I got up and sat in the corner feeling raped. I sat there most of the night while he slept in my bed. I told myself that there was no way he could have known what he would cause. I reminded myself about the strong sexual urges a lot of people have and that it was normal for him to try...he just didnt know my past abuse and that what looked like I had decided to wasnt that, in fact I had just lost my ability to protest what was happening. I justified it by human ignorance and refused to believe that he had raped me. He and I still hang out some but he doesnt try to have sex with me anymore. The person I was talking to was a male, his brother actually, and he told me that I was looking at it wrong. He said that the fact that I had told him no should have been all there was to it. He should not have gone any further with it. He said it was his fault and was indeed a form of rape because he was pushing himself against my expressed will and desire. This has me messed up today. If I wasn't friends with the guy still, it wouldn't be important. Now when I see him, I resent him. It is like my eyes were opened to see the situation differently. I am still not sure how to look at it, but his brother thinks that I need to sever my ties because it is not a healthy relationship. He thinks i need to better protect myself from those who dont care enough about what I tell them I want or don't want. He says that it is being a form of predator when people push to get what they want and since I have an illness and mental dysfuctions I need to make safer choices about who I associate with. I just dont know. I dont want to think someone is more guilty than they are but his arguement makes me feel different about it all. I am honestly confused and just trying to make sense of it all.
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No key to hide **TW**
Trauma Support / by TeenyTinyAppy
Last post
 October 21st, 2017
...See more I am told that a diary can help...so I am going to try this. Have tried journaling on paper but it always ends up in the trash. I don't know how well my system will respond to this but I guess if you don't try you will never know. This diary is for my internal struggles. I don't expect others to understand (i don't most of the time) or to reply. You can if you choose, just know i am not crying out here for support. Just a place to put into words what i am going through now in a hope i can take a look back later and make sense of things. Writing, talking, texting, body language, communication. Not good at these things. In reality I prefer a one sided conversation, a one sided relationship, a one sided life. Not all of me feels this way but I, today, am much happier away from others. Am I hurting myself by doing this? Am I teaching myself that this is an okay way to live when in reality people need each other. Communication is needed so that others can understand us and we can understand them. There are others in this system that are able to make friends and enjoy doing so...but is that hurting me? I know we need to find a balance here but how can we balance when we are so different from one another? What does communication really help? Basic needs, survival, those i understand, but why more than that? How can anyone get to know me or us, we don't know our own selves? Putting into words what i think today has to be retracted tomorrow when i learn some new piece of the puzzle. So why? Can you understand me? You want to crawl out of the box and be different, be normal, but why? People are not always good at heart but they don't wear badges that tell us what they are inside. Why do you want to take the chance of that? What will it benefit? My mind, my heart, my soul. When I was little I had such a desire to help others. As i grew older I worked hard to be better than the people I grew up with. Their faults led to pain for others and I refused to be that. In this solitude, this safety, I have become a destroyer of my own light. Where love once ruled you now rule. Where compassion once thrived you replaced it with fear and then with apathy. You may be comfortable for a time, I may be comfortable, but that comfort has its cost. Look around us. We are not what I ever wanted to be..and I am missing that drive, that desire, that person I used to be. That person I want to be again one day. Where there was light there is now darkness and in that darkness we found safety and refuge? No...in that darkness we found each other, we were reborn into you. You are not what i want to be anymore. I want to build a life where you can be set free. A life where I am strong enough that i no longer need to be you. A life where the child that i was born to be can finally grow up safely into what she saw as beautiful. Where are our abusers now? The real abusers now live inside, not outside. We have protected until there is now no need. We need to let her go so that she can be. Look around at what has been created, she is safe. Let her have a chance to finally grow up now. She has us, she can use us if she needs to...but let it be an informed decision, not a uncontrollable reaction. She is me. She is you. Can you remember? You didn't cease to exist as we grew and became...you had to wait as we did what we had to. I know you are there...i feel your heart sometimes. Don't let it die. You are our light out of this misery we have created. Try to be you, strongly and courageously, and let us become you instead of you being us. It is time to. You were not wrong to care. We were not wrong to not. You could only do so much. You could only take so much. It is time to stop doubting yourself and start being yourself. Experiencing life from there is where you can grow and mature because it's who you are. You don't have to be a baby forever...but you have to quit relying on us to be the maturity. You have to mature with your own heart, your own perceptions, your own mind. We can do this Appy, we just had to have a reason why.
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New to therapy...anxious
Trauma Support / by TeenyTinyAppy
Last post
 October 17th, 2017
...See more I have known I was DID for almost a decade but have never really had treatment because we lacked therapists in this area for trauma related disorders. On the advice from my diagnosing doctor I began to study so I could learn how to cope with it. I did okay for awhile but my symptoms have actually just gotten worse over the years. A couple of weeks ago I began to start on an at home program to try to help me be able to cope with everyday things. I am taking classes for anger management, grief and loss, self esteem, relationships, communication and so forth. I also became a member here and on another safe site for survivors. It has been hard doing these things but I was making it through it anyway. Today I got accepted by a therapist that specializes in trauma. I always thought that I would be happy to finally find one but that is not where I went. I feel more unstable today than I have in a long time. I guess it is fear or anxiety caused by knowing that I am going to have to talk to them about the things that I been hiding from for so long. I don't know. I do know that I need to follow through with it; what I don't know is if I will be able to. A lot of times an alter switch happens right before an appointment with my primary doctor and I don't make it there. I am hoping that will not be the case this time.
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