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TheDreamer
1,472 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 69 Compassion hearts42 Forum posts27 Forum upvotes38 Current upvotes38 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2023 Member sinceAugust 30, 2014
Recent forum posts
Caring for an aging toxic parent
Family & Caregivers / by TheDreamer
Last post
 October 1st, 2023
...See more Providing care for an aging parent can be difficult under the best circumstances.Providing care for my mother is unimaginably horrible. The toxic ways of my family that I ran from by moving out as soon as I turned 18 are worse and leaving is more complicated. One of the more difficult problems is, dad left a significant amount of money for mom when he died. I sat in on a meeting mom had with dads financial guy and the way it was set up, she could have lived comfortably until well into her 90's without needing to touch the principal amount. The way he explained it and the numbers that were in the accounts she could maintain the lifestyle her and dad had when they were both generating income but she could retire so would not need to work. It all sounded good but my youngest sister and eventually her oldest daughter managed to talk mom out of a lot of cash and now she's broke. It's bad enough that she is broke but she denies that she gave anything to them and says it's nobody business what she does with her money. While a drunk and her teen flew around the county on moms dime, the other three of us are physically here helping mom with whatever she needs and couldn't get paid if we wanted to. Little sister stopped visiting when the money ran dry and has never helped out in any way. I'm about at my wits end and the only reason I stick around is because she would sell the house and give the last of her assets to little sis. Mom recently had hip surgery so has been away for a couple of weeks at a care facility. While there, my little sister decided to visit mom. Mom was all excited and happy that she visited and she paid her for it. She didn't want the rest of us to know but we know and are angry. All she has to live on is her retirement check for 1500 monthly. There is no extra money for anything. There are things that need to be repaired on the farm and I do the work for free but ask that she buy the materials. I talked to someone at the state level asking if anything my sister or her kid have done could be considered elder abuse. She put me in contact with a dim witted county social worker who told me this just looks like a mother helped out one of her children and the other three are jealous. It is not a small amount of money we are talking about. It's more like hundreds of thousands. I'm not worried about not getting anything when mom dies. I'm angry because I can't so much as ask for a few buck to buy some lumber and fix her stuff. No compensation, not much for thanks. Just too broken to walk away and let mom sit in the mess she made alone. My two older sisters seem to be doing better then me. That may be because they both drink daily. The oldest one lives a few miles away so isn't around for the day to day stuff but will come running if we need her. I am a complete train wreck at this point. I had hoped to heal the wounds of the past because dad and I had some unresolved crap I wish we could have cleared up before he died. Shortly before his death he explained how much of a disappointment I was to him and he wished he could have taught me more as a kid. His teaching style was telling me how to do something once then yelling at me for doing it wrong and redoing what i did. He wanted me to be like him but I wanted to be around for my kids. Sure dad was a better worker than me but I am a much better father and if I died today, my kids would know I loved them and were proud of them. I might have had a question when I stated this post but it pretty much turned into a venting session. Rather than any specific questions maybe anyone who has advise for dealing with this and surviving this with a little bit of sanity, I would greatly appreciate it.
Toxic family issues
Family & Caregivers / by TheDreamer
Last post
 July 21st, 2022
...See more I don't even know where to begin but I am stuck and have no idea what to do or where to start. I will use the word toxic because there has been no diagnosis of NPD. Based on my parents behaviors and actions along with the list of symptoms my sisters and I have dealt with and are still dealing with well into adulthood, all signs point to narcissistic abuse. My older sisters experienced physical and emotional abuse and my other sister and myself dealt with emotional abuse. The older ones were considered to be lying problem kids so it was never called abuse. The short version is, from the outside my family was great. My parents were liked and respected in the community and often we were told how lucky we are to have them. I was drinking and experimenting with drugs and alcohol by age 12 and in trouble with the law and in a dark place by 16. I was scared and confided in my mother that I needed help or I would end up dead. She dismissed my cries for help and shamed me for not thinking of her and dad and what people would think if I did something that stupid. Guilt and shame kept me from taking action but that is no way to live. Shortly after that I dropped out of school, got a job and got my girlfriend pregnant by age 17 and was married with a daughter living in a crappy little trailer house by age 18. I was too busy and too broke to continue with the alcohol and drugs and I had big dreams of doing better and being better than my parents. Life was filled with ups and downs and we had a second daughter a few years down the road. Dad remained too much of an influence in my life and he had a way of destroying any self confidence I managed to gain. As it turns out, my wife was a cute blonde version of both my parents. She used my insecurities to keep me under control. Constant accusations and threats and on and on. I refused to leave but the reality is, I somewhat believed that I was lucky to have her and leaving would destroy me. When I discovered her last affair and confronted her, she flipped things around to it being my fault and she demanded I pack up and move out and said the papers would be coming soon. I was crushed and accepted my role as the broken one at fault and let her keep all we had worked for in our 18 years together. By that time our oldest daughter was 18 and angry at the world especially me so at first she refused to visit me. My youngest got to stay with me every weekend. Things got better between my oldest daughter and I and she told me that being away from her mother was good for me. She said I seem happier. I did see a counselor to help me cope and she helped but I couldn't afford to continue long term. I was doing better and even though I went through a period of turning to booze to not feel my feelings and lost my job, life seemed better. It was a good paying job that I absolutely hated anyway. Life still had ups and downs, dad still chipped away at my self esteem, I dated the wrong people but relationships were short lived as I am now terrified of commitment. So here I am, 18 years later and single because I decided I needed to work on me before bringing someone else into my weird world. I was making a financial comeback and doing better than ever on that front. When dad died from lung cancer it was hard on me because I wanted to patch things up with him before then. I quit trying to get his approval about 5 years after his death. I was in a better place but still felt like I had failed. Then mom had a heart attack. She survived but she knew she would need help because she wanted to continue living in the home her and dad built until the end. My sister moved in with her to help out but she had started drinking again and mom asked if I would consider locking my place up and moving in the old home to help out. I really didn't want to but she seemed so desperate and pleaded with me and eventually I agreed to clean out the basement and moved in the lower level. Turns out, in the toxic family roles, I'm the fixer/caregiver/people pleaser who occasionally gets to be the scapegoat. While being the caregiver mom said she needed help managing the finances because she was running out of money. She gave me online access to monitor and watch her account and what I found was disturbing. The golden child little sister and her oldest who also gets golden status were bleeding her dry financially. When I showed mom the statements and the amounts they were getting from her she accused me of lying and picking on them. I guess that is where my codependency took over. I kept trying to stop the flow of money but it got worse. My niece convinced mom to give her copies of her ssi card and drivers license and she started opening accounts and buying cars with moms credit. Now here is where I really need advise. I have once again let my work and my finances take a beating and I am a depressed mess with debilitating anxiety who can't seem to get things together enough to leave the craziness. When I try getting my life back in order, I am struck with overwhelming guilt and shame for giving up on mom. The rules for helping mom are basically fix everything but never say a bad word or point out the crimes of the golden ones. So I end up half trying to find a solution for her and half trying to get my business back making money and am crippled by the guilt of failing. I know I am going to need therapy and things from 50 years ago are going to have to be resolved to fix the problems of today and it is all so overwhelming. I am still sober but booze never caused problems as bad as this. I find myself being sarcastic and treating mom the way she treats my older sisters and I. That is not who I want to be but she insults the sister that does help her while praising the ones who took advantage of her codependent narcissistic enabling. I know recovery will probably involve giving up on mom and leaving her to suffer the consequences of the mess she made. It breaks my heart to think of that but she has proven time and time again that she does not care about any of us beyond what we can do for her. I was broken as a child and took that baggage into adulthood without knowing enough to fix me. I allowed myself to get sucked back in to the madness thinking time would change things and I could prove to at least one of my parents that I was good enough. I don't know if I am or not but it's obvious I am not good enough in her eyes. Sorry for the long post. Any advise or guidance would be greatly appreciated.
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