TheFourthPant Member Profile

...See more Not going to go into a crazy amount of detail or anything, but I would like to talk a little bit about this. I was groomed, I don't know how many times by how many different people, thankfully only online as far as I'm aware? Though I did meet up with one of my groomers unfortunately. It was just a one-off, so not too bad. But the trauma is still present. And it was just getting better. I was having dreams about all the men who groomed me, where they held no power over me, and simply existed in my presence. I didn't feel vulnerable, or powerless. It was as though I was "overcoming" the trauma they had inflicted on me. So, no, the dreams weren't unpleasant at all. But just 2 nights ago, I had a nightmare where I was being groomed by 2 unknown men, and I had no control. I was in school again. And I even got molested. This is a major step back, and I know exactly why it's happening. It's a chain-reaction: recently, I entered a Discord server for a purely mechanical cause (bot related), and I made the mistake of actually communicating with the members within it outside of what I had initially joined it for. I'm just gonna say this right now - it is a gigantic server, and it is INFESTED with pedophiles. Absolutely overrun with them. Like I said before, I really don't want to get into too much detail, but these people not only infest the server, they run it. And so there was nothing I could really do or say to stop them. Yes, it is a digital space. But that feeling of powerlessness returning in a place where I am surrounded by people who could and probably would have potentially groomed, molested or whatever else me when I was younger, made me react. It made me react in a way I didn't want it to. I cared. I really cared. It hurt a lot. I didn't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel weak. I've made so much progress, and I feel like all of it is gone. I feel like I'm that child again. Constant anxiety. Inescapable. Feel like someone is going to do something bad to me. I also suspect a lot of people in this server of being my former groomers, since I really got around on the Internet in my teenage years, lol. Now, here's the thing. I am one to, whenever someone vents to me about an issue they're having, give practical suggestions and advice. And I know logically I should just leave the server and never return. But that won't solve the problem, the wound has already been reopened. No point going through all of that trouble, to do something that I've been waiting on for months, that will ultimately provide me joy, just to not even see the results of it. I have to stay in this server until what I was doing in there gets seen to, and whatever. I'm being vague because I'm extremely paranoid, by the way. So, I plan on leaving that place as soon as I'm done doing what I sought out to do. But in doing it, I have damaged my psyche. I guess it's just frustrating how pathetic it makes me feel, that I can't even go to certain parts of the Internet without something like this happening. Everytime I go outside recently I feel like everyone's watching me, like someone is going to do something to me, like everyone's looking at my body and sexualising me. I feel totally exposed. I don't like it. I really don't like it. I want me back. I feel like 11-16 year old me has taken over. And that version of myself was very very very mentally and physically unwell. Also I feel really annoying and guilty when I vent for some reason and I don't know why. If anyone wants to talk to me, let me know. I really wish I could offer support to other people, but I don't think I'd be of much help in my current state of mind. Which sucks, because I'm normally very good at that sort of thing. I just feel very over-emotional and irrational lately. Perhaps we could share trauma? If anyone would be interested in that lol. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. And yes I know this is very messy and not at all concise or well-versed, I apologise.

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