Theperfectmask Member Profile

...See more I've never done this before so I'm just gonna start from the beginning. when I was concived my mother was on birth control and my father used protection because my mother had my brother just a few months prior. and they where also dealing with raising my 1 year old sister, so it's safe to say that I was just an accident that was never meant to happen. me being born caused a lot of financial stress on my parents. my mom being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and refusing to take any medication besides smoking weed which would help calm her down, and my father who was depressed and suicidal would argue daily, the arguments turned into full on throwing stuff at one another and pushing/ hitting each other. most of those memories have been blocked from my brain because I was so young. but when I got older I realized what was really going on around me and I started to step into the fights to make them stop, neither of my older siblings would ever help or check up on me when I had to. at first because I was so young still they would just split up and calm down just to continue in a couple hours or the next day. but when I got older probably around 12 or 13 my dad started to think I was taking my mother's side in all of their fights, which completely made me want to just give up. I felt closer to my father my whole life up until that moment. I remember having to get up and run from my room because I knew what it sounded like when they where about to go at it and I would have to push my dad away from her before something happened, I would have to yell and scream and threaten my own father to leave his house because he was the only one that had a license and was able to, he would never listen to me when I tried to talk to him. he would only get mad and make me have to be the same way. I thankfully never had to lay a hand on my father but still i think of the things I've had to do every single day of my life. when I turned 18 I finally let my parents have it, they made me mad I can't remember why but I left the house for the day and told them that when I come back I want to talk to them. when I came home I told them how they have completely made my childhood ***, that I can't remember anything from it that was happy. my first memory being in a car and my parents fighting and my dad got mad she kept turning up the radio to stop, so he just punched the radio and broke it. how my mother sat there as I was physically in the middle of a mental breakdown saying I can't do this anymore and I tierd of this ***. I went on for hours about the horrors they put me through. it only made me feel worse though, because for the first time I saw that they actually cared. now I honestly just completely hate myself, I've been to therapy but nothing helps, I've been diagnosed with severe depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I can't seem to forgive my parents or myself. so yeah that's my story thank you for anyone that actually read through this lol, I'm sorry if some of it didn't make sense I had to take a few breaks because I can't stop shaking while typing this out.

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