Tinycloud Member Profile

...See more Hello. First of all, I'd like to apologize for posting about myself so soon after registering here. I'm also sorry for the incoming huge post. It's really hard for me to talk about it. Sorry. Also, despite my ambiguous profile pic - I was assigned female at birth. Anyway. Well. *ahem* When I was young, about 6 years old probably, my neighbor... groped me. He is six years older than me, so he was around 12 at the time. It only happened once. He, my brother (same age as him, so 12) and I were watching whatever on the computer. I was sitting on my neighbor's lap, when his hand wandered between my legs. He was only feeling me up down there through my clothes, but I remember I felt awful. I really wanted to say "no, stop" but I was somehow frozen. I didn't move, I didn't say anything. It wasn't violent at all, although I vaguely remember that it hurt a bit down there despite it being through clothes, so I think he was being a bit rough. I'm not too sure. My brother was just right next to us, but I don't know if he saw or said anything. I just knew he was there. That's all. I know it's basically nothing, it's probably nothing. But it's confusing the heck out of me. I remember what I felt on the moment, rather vividly, but I have zero clue about what I was thinking after then, how I felt about my neighbor afterwards. Was I acting normally around him? Did I avoid him? Did I care? I don't know. My childhood friend recently said that I told her about what happened with my neighbor when we were like 10, but I have absolutely NO memory of it. I thought I had no memory of what happened until I was 14 - at school, during a lesson, I suddenly remembered what it (I also remembered that my brother had asked me a handjob and a blowjob when I was around 6 too, although I didn't do it because I ran away to my mom immediately). I have no memory of ever talking or even thinking about it before that. I talked about it to my mom (I'm lucky to have a wonderful mother), and I recently asked her when was the first time I mentioned it - she said it was a few years ago only. (Note: I'm 19) Apparently I've never told her when I was a child, despite her constantly repeating stuff like "no one should touch you there!", "you should tell me if someone does!". Yet, again, I have no idea what I was thinking about when she told me such things. I had avoided thinking about this whole thing for years now - I always told myself that it wasn't important, that it was "normal". I always brushed it off. But recently I realized that... I think it affected me a lot more than I thought. There are a lot of things that I couldn't explain and... I think this explains it. For example, the fact that I'm really uncomfortable with sex. Well, I like it in theory. But I really feel weird about doing it. I have - with two girls though. And it just felt... wrong. Not morally, because I know sex isn't wrong, but I just felt wrong, I felt guilty, I felt gross, and my whole body was basically giving a huge "NOPE". I actually threw up the first time I did it with my last ex, and I didn't understand why I felt the way I did. All I could think about was how what I felt was wrong and something was wrong and I couldn't tell what. There is also the fact that I am irrationally afraid of men. I don't mean any harm, I know men are respectable individuals and I should never judge anyone based on their sex or gender, but I can't control it. Whenever a man is around, I just feel threatened, instinctively. I hate being touched, as in, I frigging hate being touched. So when a man touches me, all I want to do is run and cry and puke and rip my skin off. (But yay for self-control!) So I've been wondering if these two issues (discomfort about sex and men) had anything to do with my neighbor. Yet I still react very strongly to it. I talked about it to my psychologist only a few weeks ago, and I literally broke down in tears in front of her (I had never cried in front of a psychologist, ever, even though I've been seeing them for 6 years). She tried to convince me that it was important, she said I probably had a psychological trauma - but I feel so ashamed about it. I mean, it's ridiculous. I almost want to laugh at myself because of how pathetic my "story" sounds. I really feel like I'm blowing things out of proportion, making a fuss out of nothing, and I feel so ashamed about it. I'm speaking in the "sexual abuse" category but I don't even know if I can call that sexual abuse, because "sexual abuse" just sounds so serious and important compared to what I lived. I don't know what it is. I don't know what to call it. But as weird as it sounds, I feel like I need to know. PS.: Again, I'm so sorry for the enormous rant. If anyone is brave enough to read through it all and help me out - thank you.

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