TonkaGuy Member Profile

...See more (It's possible that this post is somewhat incohesive or contradicts itself at some places - I have a hard time articulating my thoughts and it was taking long to write this, so I left it as it is.) For context, I am 20, turning 21 in 2 moths. I dropped out of university after one semester and out of Softuni after two modules. I've been trying to find any job at all from January to May 2021, September to November 2021 and now this month - out of probably 200+ applications for the most low end jobs, I was on 5 interviews and was rejected from all. For one, the only thing I can put on my CV is that I'm fluent and English and can work with Microsoft and Libre Office. But everyone, and I mean everyone, my age can already do that. I can only afford the cheapest local therapists, but I don't know what I want, or rather, need to get out of the therapy and trying to figure out on the spot during sessions for over 4 years with 8 different psychologists and 3 different psychiatrists didn't work. I thought I could follow the advice to do anything at all, no matter what. This is hard to explain, but I don't want to change anything about about my depression so I'm not sure why I even ask this. It's not that I think I must do anything, but I decided to anyways. I questioned the usefulness of applying to university and tried lying to myself that I'll use online courses for something, but by trying to think less about it, I applied to both and at the end I left both several months later. I wasted my parents' money and that's why I don't want to waste someone else's earnings by doing stopping at everything I start. In one way, if I am going to waste money, I want them to be my own. I don't have any formal and qualifications. I understand the concept of soft skills, but I don't have an idea who I am as a person - I can't think of adjectives that apply me and frankly I don't have the life experience to know myself. I thought that by starting to do just whatever (that's feasible) I could gain a perspective on myself, be able to present myself in my CV, find any job at all and finally have freedom to do things and be only responsible in front of myself without being ashamed that I waste money which aren't mine. I tried to pretend it was to "grow as a person", but the former is the real reason. I tried not to overthink university and Softuni, but at the end I underthought them. The idea of forcing myself to do something without any sense of purpose never appealed to me, but at the end I might have to do that if I ever want to be independant at all. I decided to force myself to sign up for a local youth club - I won't question the point of that, I'll just go along with whatever they do and see what happens. I won't say I am not forcing myself, because that's what it is. The end goal is to be on my own, but I don't know the "how" part of it at all. I don't hope to learn anything from the club, I'll just go along with it without thinking. The real question of this post is, I don't think it's a healthy way to approach anything without a sense of purpose.

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