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TuckerToo
82 M Embraced
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts6 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2018 Member sinceNovember 4, 2018
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Former Soldier
Trauma Support / by TuckerToo
Last post
 November 18th, 2018
...See more I'm a former soldier. It was the only thing I ever excelled at. Now, there's nothing that even interests me. The ONLY thing I've ever wanted to be, was to be in the military. I had purpose then. Now, not so much. I made the wrong decision. In reality, I felt forced to make a choice and I realize now that I made the wrong one. I was a good soldier. I was good at my job. That should have been enough for me. It was a witch hunt. At least, it felt like one at the time. I watched good soldiers be put out of the military on the mere suspicion they might be gay. Some of them weren't. It made no sense. To be honest, I never associated the word "gay" with myself. I knew I was different but oddly enough I never made that connection. Maybe it was because I didn't (and still don't) relate to much of the GLBT community. I thought, if I could just lay low, it'll be fine. I knew if I came out it would mean the end of my career. I tried, and I failed miserably. At least in my own head I did. As time passed, I started going to the NCO Club on base. I became a regular at their infamous "Half Price Long Island Iced Tea" nights. One night after an especially long Iced Tea marathon, I would make my colossal bad decision. I ingested an especially large bottle of pills that landed me in the ICU of the base hospital. I have no memory of that night. Apparently, someone found me passed out in a snow drift during a snow storm. Once I was medically cleared, I was asked to explain what happened. I have no memory of that night. I was promptly admitted to the mental health unit. I worked with an incredible doctor and we got to the bottom of what was going on in my head. I had an impossible choice to make. I could keep quiet. be a good soldier, and endure the terrible treatment that always follows incidents like this. After all, I was a squad leader and am supposed to be a role model. I would no longer have the support of my CO. He was a newbie Lieutenant with a massive ego and something to prove. Or, I could be honest about who I thought I was and promptly be discharged and end my career. I would have kept it on the down low, kept it to myself and maybe just a few close friends. I still would have had to live with the fear of someone finding out. There was no good option. Hoping to avoid the public shaming that was to come, I was honest. I hoped it would lessen the public humiliation that was coming my way. I hoped I could quickly be done with it. I couldn't have been more wrong. The day my discharge came through, I was called to my unit commander's office. I entered his office and to my surprise, there were many others in the room. Base leadership, squadron leaders, most of the NCO in my unit, and even some of my buddies that were squad leaders with me. I stood at attention in front of all these people as my unit commander read his statement. I was being involuntary separated from the military because I am homosexual and had a "pycho-sexual disorder" and this was incompatible with military service. Thus was before "Don't Ask, Don't Tell when LGBT soldiers had even fewer protections. I was then instructed to gather all of my uniform and military gear and watched as he took it all from me, He essentially stripped me of my identity as "soldier", in front of all these other people. it didn't matter that I was a good soldier. It didn't matter that I was respected in my unit. All of that changed in an instant. I received an Honorable Discharge but it didn't matter. On the detailed copy of my DD-214 it statesthe reason for my discharge and tgat I have a condition that is incompatible with military service. My only proof of having served honorably is stained. I've never fully recovered from that. For several years, if I wasn't working at some unfulfilling job that I hated I was partying at some random club or bar somewhere. I felt happy, if only temporarily. I bounced around the country never planting any roots. I kept my circle superficial. I was even homeless for a period of time. I've put all that craziness behind me now. I'm not so sure what to do now. I have no clue, no direction, and no interests. I've started seeing a therapist at the VA. Apparently, all of this has caused me to develop PTSD, severe depression, and anxiety. I'm trying to get past this but it's been insanely difficult. Why can't I just move on? (Moved for forum restructure by @peaceloveandpaws)
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