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Uncool4Life
1 60 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2017 Member sinceDecember 17, 2017
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Feeling lost and confused this weekend
Depression Support / by Uncool4Life
Last post
 December 27th, 2017
...See more I had a job interview with a company I admired Friday. I stumbled upon the job posting in October, it was the ultimate version of my current job, I didn't want to miss out. For a week, most of my free time was spent reviewing my past jobs and responsibilities to display the worker I was in my best moments. I crafted a visual look that I felt complimented my top skills but was not intrusive to readability. A recruiter emailed me before Thanksgiving. We had a great conversation on the phone. After several days, she told me I would get a phone interview. I spent hours researching and pondering the types of questions that might get asked in the interview. I tried to determine how I could answer clearly and honestly with "success stories" and wrote them all down to read and internalize them. The day of the phone interview came and the team on the other end began asking functional questions about the job duties, but nothing about my approach to tasks or how I dealt with colleagues. They re-asked questions, as if I had misunderstood and wanted to give me another chance to give the right answer. On another question, my mind went blank and my mouth dried out. They asked for details I thought I knew, but I could not produce the answers. I could only give paralyzed silence. I was mortified. I wanted to hang up. I tried to push through with the answers I could give, but they suddenly felt inadequate in context. I didn't know if it was a good idea to admit I was over my head, but as the interview came to, "do you have any questions for us," I felt I had to say I underestimated the type of "hit the ground running" candidate they were looking for. I apologized, thanked them for their time, and sunk into my chair. I started worrying what other perceptions about myself should be recontextualized. I had underestimated my skills and realized I might not know half of the things I probably should. Was I really any good at the job I already had? Was I trying too little or trying to hard in my life? Were any of my instincts good? And if I couldn't trust my instincts, what did I do then? The job interview shook me to the core. I started spiraling. I had not been very good at healthy family relationships. I had been unsucessful at romantic relationships. I worried that I was too needy to be a good friend to those people who still talked to me. I hadn't taken care of my health because I didn't feel I had the focus to spare from work. And now work was full of uncertainty. Barely subsisting felt like a burden. I had difficulty finding magic, wonder, or inspiration in the world. And the future doesn't look good to me. I'm not sure how to be a good friend, or son, or brother, other than just to be present, which feels inadequate. Eventually my parents will need care as they age, and I don't feel able to take care of myself much less someone else. I feel so far away from having a partner for so many reasons. The world is changing and it feels I will be marginalized more and more as I age. It feels like it will be a fight just to stay above water and I don't know where I will find the energy. I want to stop telling people I am okay when I'm not, but I can't tell if that's honesty or self-destruction. I wanted to at least take a step in a positive direction before posting my message. I reviewed some material on ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy). I feel like a dog that can't learn new tricks right now, but I may be able to find a method of mindfulness that will click with me. I understand I am writing many thoughts that can accepted and let go. But I see a trend of disappointments in the rear view mirror that have me in common. The same kind of logic that tells me thoughts aren't reality also tells me many things I tried to improve my life haven't worked. I get tired of pushing through fear to just get more disappointment. I also see that ACT teaches positive momentum consistent with your values. I am surely in need of a deep, honest reassessment of my values, and that is at once hopeful and scary. I have always felt conflict between being selfless and being selfish, and while I think I'm doing a poor job at balancing them, I fear moving completely toward one or the other.
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