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VespertineDreamer
1,487 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts31 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes12 Current upvotes12 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2021 Member sinceJuly 2, 2018
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Relationship Stress / by VespertineDreamer
Last post
 March 16th, 2022
...See more So I've been seeing a man for 1y 8mos (I'm 35, he's 34), and up to this point he's been absolutely wonderful and blown every other person I've been involved with out of the water. But yesterday, it was really different and he didn't seem his usual warm, caring self. It left me feeling hurt and confused, wondering what happened with him. I'm posting the situation here to see if outside, objective perspective from a neutral source would help. I journaled about this, so I'm posting my entry: What happened, from my perspective: • I spent outside with him as he was training in the backyard. I was putting on makeup to get ready to go to an olive bar with him together. It would be a tight fit in terms of plans as he had already arranged to meet with his guy friends in a city late that evening, he mentioned this earlier in the day as plans were tentative at that time. I had asked him in the backyard a second time if he was down to go soon or something along those lines, he said "yea" • He seemed to be on his phone non-stop during training breaks, significantly more so than usual. Aside from an occasional rub on my shoulder or side here and there as he was passing by, he wasn't engaged with me much at all. I chirped at him a few times just to get his attention, he'd remove one of his earbuds asking if I said something. It felt a little distant, but I didn't think much of it at the time and was mainly focused on getting ready to go out. I asked him about his phone, he brought up a friend's custom game console he made and showed me the conversation. Ok, it did look pretty impressive and amazing. We talked about the three of us hanging out in the future positively. • He finished and went upstairs to start getting ready/doing stuff, I said I'd be joining shortly after. I finished up, went in and started folding my laundry in the living room. He came downstairs and suddenly announced in a slightly hurried manner that he was feeling stressed for time, he said he still had a few things to do and didn't want to go to the olive bar anymore, that he shouldn't have planned for it, and that he should really be calling it a day, which he repeated. I said "Oh... Ok.." in a rather down way and continued folding laundry. I was left with the impression he wanted me gone. He went back upstairs. • I was disappointed and felt an internal pang of rejection, but I accepted the news. I have a rejection-sensitive trigger. I was starting to feel a sense like I was just in the way or hanging on the side that afternoon, like he wasn't really engaged anymore and more focused on his own stuff than anything right now. I figured I was starting to exhaust my welcome and it was time to leave, especially with him saying he's calling it a day like he did. • I put everything away in the vehicle myself. I went up to tell him I was leaving and saying bye hoping at least the goodbye would be a good note, but "bye" was his only response as he was making his bed, he didn't even look up at me as he said it. Now something definitely felt wrong, this wasn't his usual MO at all. What in the world was going on with him today? • I started walking down the hallway, then walked back in asking if everything is okay. He said something like "you're doing that thing again where you get in a mood from canceled plans and now you're leaving." The cancelation may had been part of it, but it's not just what was said, it's a lot of how it was said and what seemed to be implied. I didn't know how to articulate that thought at the time as I just wanted to leave on a kind note, not start an argument (we've never had a full argument before, just disagreements we've always managed to work out through communication). It also felt completely dismissive of my feelings. He then went on to emphasize how he was saying it was a "maybe" from the start when we initially talked about it, and I replied that I did ask him in the backyard if we were really going, which he denied happening. This talk was going nowhere.. I said the whole thing just feels so cold, and I was leaving mainly to be out of his way because he said he had stuff to do. He said "come here" and gave me a sincere, long hug which felt nice for a minute. He then said he's not kicking me out, that I could stay a little longer if I like, and I paused to think about it. He said he wouldn't be hurt either way if I stayed or left. I replied "Well I'll probably just be on my phone while you're getting ready, I think I should head out.." • We hugged goodbye and he told me "drive safe," but this time there was no walking me to my vehicle, no kisses, no asking me to text him when I'm home. He's always asked me that from day one at his place, even making it a thing to ask me, until today. I think that's the little thing (or lack thereof) that hurt the worst. I held in tears at this point. • I drove home quietly to myself, no weeping, just processing thoughts and emotions along the road regarding everything confusing that just happened. It was very silent. • I heard him message me as I was getting off the freeway. I was a little afraid to read it, but opened the message in my driveway. He said regardless of how he felt he owed me an apology for saying I was in my "mood" and that it was misogynistic of him. I was glad he reached out and apologized for that because it did hurt, but it still didn't feel like enough. I inferred from the "regardless of how I feel" clause that he had some negative feelings going on. I just silently let the tears start falling as I sat in my car. I removed my makeup, figuring I was done for the night and would just supplement myself to sleep later (I almost never do this). I went inside. • I had the bitter thought that I trusted I could open up to him about how I was feeling down for the past two days, and he invited me over after asking what would help me feel better. Instead, I arrived back home literally in tears which had never happened before with him. I was beginning to question him objectively, wondering where things went wrong and if he really was as good for me as I had made him out to be. Maybe he's tired of me. Maybe I'm even getting on his nerves. • I thought carefully of how to respond to his message, then resolved not to respond then without processing everything first. Instead, I decided to journal, then meditate for answers within. If he said he's stressed and going somewhere later, he likely wouldn't be in the best mindset to really take in what I'm saying anyway. Plus, he's going to be out with his friends, I don't want to contribute to him having a bad time with back and forth heavy conversation through the night or pine for an answer back. • 4 hours later I responded to his message, saying I appreciated him reaching out to apologize for his words. I also said I went silent because I didn't think it was wise to discuss tonight what happened earlier, and that I wanted him to have a great time with his friends this weekend. He read the message, no response yet. I want to give it time before talking about this with him, while gathering my thoughts and feelings (and bringing them up here for insight)
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