VivienArcade Member Profile

...See more when i (19, nonbinary, they/them) started dating my boyfriend/partner (20, nonbinary but uses masculine terms and he/they so i'll refer to him with he/him and as my boyfriend here), i knew he had a lot of struggles, and heck, i do too. we both have a lot of serious issues, but i really do love and care about him, even though we live hours apart from each other and have never met in person. he's just struggling so much right now and mentioning stuff about feeling suicidal or even self harm, so i've been trying to help him with it, but he usually says he doesn't wanna talk about it anymore. im a very very anxious person due to my own disorder, and so when he said he was going to not be online a lot for awhile and left our one groupchat, i kinda freaked out and messaged him a bunch just wanting him to talk to me and how i was worried about him and wanted to know if he was upset with me. he just messaged me repeatedly to leave him alone even when i asked him to just tell me what was wrong for once. he said he feels like he's a terrible boyfriend and that he's hurting me. I tried to assure him i never felt that way, but he just said to leave him alone again. i said i would respect that and not message him again but that i would be here if he needed me. a few days later he messaged me to apologize, and said he wanted to make it up to me. we had a long talk about our relationship, and he said he likes me and really likes being with me, but he never really feels truly happy at all due to his depression, and he said that means he doesn't know if he's actually happy with me, because he's never happy. and he desperately hates opening up even though i said i would really like it if he could be honest with me. i told him if he won't let me really get to know him i don't know how this is gonna work out, like heck, i don't even know what he looks like, which i was fine with previously because he said he was too dysphoric about his appearance to send pictures of himself or video call, but sometimes it feels like i barely know him. we used to talk and hang out and play games online for hours, but lately he's been really distant and hasn't even messaged me privately unless i message him first, and otherwise just talks a little in the group chat we have with our other friends i really really care about him and want him to be okay. he said he doesn't know what he wants to do about us yet. he said he still loved me when i asked but he said he doesn't know yet if he wants to commit to being able to be honest and open with me, but he doesn't want us to break up. i just... he says he loves me but i dont really feel loved. and i desperately want to feel loved. i've been extremely anxious about this whole thing for over a week and it feels like im being pulled apart at the seams here. i dont want to lose what we had but i cant keep going with this the way things are. i don't know what to do. I'm worried i was somehow a bad partner in this scenario and somehow i made him feel this way.

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