WaywardSon67 Member Profile

...See more Trigger warning again: mentions of self harm It's a very long story, l'm sorry. So, I have always had major procrastination issues. It feels like it's gotten worse ever since the pandemic and it just keeps getting worse. Lately, because of this, I accumulated a ton of work that I haven't done, and I have no idea where to even begin because it's just so overwhelming and they're all on subjects I'm horrible at. What makes my issues even worse is for some reason it's like I subconsciously don't feel like anything is real. Not in a dissociative or delusional way, I know everything is real. It's just that a part of me seems to believe that I live in a fantasy where everything always works out in the end. I don't learn from my past procrastination (honestly my memory is terrible too) and my brain seems incapable of realising consequences beyond the very present moment exist. It's escalated from deadline fighting to avoiding my responsibilities, believing I'm above consequences and believing everything will just sort itself out in the end. So, back on topic. Every time I think of the pile of work I haven't done, I feel an intense burst of guilt and shame. Instead of just starting like I've kept telling myself to, l've resorted to SH. I know it's wrong and unhealthy. It's as if I'd rather endure the punishment of not doing the work rather than just completing it and fulfilling my responsibilities, as if SH compensates for not doing what I should be doing. My weird subconscious disconnect from reality makes this SH seem unserious too, because I genuinely believe I'm just being overly dramatic, yet I get the crushing urge to do it every time I feel the burst of guilt from thinking of my unfinished work. I hate it. I am terrified my family will find out, because they would think I'm suicidal and depressed when i'm genuinely not and I'd cause my family a whole lot of unneeded distress. I don't know why I can't just handle my responsibilities like any other person my age, and most of my friends are even busier than I am. Meanwhile I'm too busy avoiding my duties and escaping via any mean possible - sleeping, just not thinking about them, immersing myself in video games, whatever. It feels impossible to even start, as if doing even one task, or even just thinking about one task, will make me spiral thinking about all the other ones I have to do and be utterly overwhelmed by hopelessness. Does anyone have any tips? I hate myself for being like this, I wish I could just be normal and be able to face my responsibilities without feeling overwhelmed and resorting to SH.

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