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YellowLilac
2,013 M Hopeful Heart 2
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts47 Forum posts11 Forum upvotes17 Current upvotes17 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2023 Member sinceMay 4, 2022
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Lonely
Trauma Support / by YellowLilac
Last post
 February 8th, 2023
...See more Hello, I am an alter in a system, so this post is in relation to DID and OSDD type 1. I do not speak for all systems, and can only attest to my own experience. I am not making this post to introduce myself or ask for friendship. Instead, I want to highlight that these dissociative disorders are very isolating. I am not alone on this body. Loneliness shouldn’t exist, but for me it does. My headmates are not fond of me. I am not the host, so I have no friends if my own. I constantly need to be someone else to stay safe. And I am so, so lonely. I want friends. I want to be able to live normally. But I will never have that. For those listeners who have referred to this as “friends in your head,” I caution you to remember that this is not always the case. For me, this is truly a disorder, not social hour. Thank you for your time.
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Questioning Plurality - Any Insight?
Trauma Support / by YellowLilac
Last post
 February 10th, 2023
...See more Hello everyone, Recently, I've been questioning if I'm plural. I will list out some symptoms in a moment, but I want to make it clear I am NOT looking for someone to diagnose me with anything. I just want to see if what I'm experiencing aligns with what anyone else is. I have also poured over the DSM V criterion for DID, OSDD-1a and -1b, as well as related dissociative and ever trauma-based disorders, and I feel I am experiencing some of what is listed, though I don't fully trust myself to know. Symptoms: - Extreme disassociation, especially in relation to stress. This involves an extreme dizzy/light-headed feeling, with unfocused eyes. Sometimes, my head lolls. The world seems to move very slowly. I am unable to consistently form coherent thoughts, though often a song plays in my head during it. - Other dissociative symptoms, such as: Feeling like the person in the mirror is not me (I have always felt this. The mirror-person is just a body to me. I do not feel negatively toward the person in the mirror, just disconnected), feeling disconnected from my body (ie. My limbs feel too light/heavy, I feel untethered in some way from the earth), or having third-person dreams or experiences - Issues with memory. My memories, especially those when I was young, are fuzzy and colorless, like viewing an old, soundless, black and white movie. I feel emotionally disconnected, though sometimes I have physical reactions (like a racing heart). The memories do not feel like they are happening to me, and often I see the body experiencing them without me inside the body. I also have troubles with recalling recent memories. - Feeling as though I am not alone in my head. Sometimes, I hear voices in my head that sound like me (or very similar to me), but they have different personalities and interests than me (for example, one really likes spaceships where I don't really like them). They have different names, as well, as usually different speaking patterns (I've identified 3. One sounds tinny, one is very excitable and dramatic, and one speaks slowly and rather monotone). - Feeling as though I am not alone in the body. Just today, I found myself walking, speaking, and struggling in ways I'm not used to. I was tripping over my words, I felt too short than what I was used to, and I was speaking slowly and overly-calm/emotionless. I also found myself flinching when people moved quickly or even when a raindrop landed on me. - TW ABUSE: Possible history of abuse. I'm uncertain on this. I can remember times of what might be considered physical abuse (being pinned, gripped arms, nose in my eye), numerous examples of emotional abuse, and I witness(ed) domestic abuse between my parents, but I'm not sure if it was substantial enough to lead to something like the formation of alters. END TW - Additional info: I have never used drugs or drank alcohol. I have experienced delusions and hallucinations before, but never auditory hallucinations and never such complex delusions. Thank you for reading! I would love to hear any input!
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