Yulka Member Profile

...See more Sorry,long text but the situation is complicated. I m really struggling with a break up and i just can t cope with the pain. It was so bad that i had to spent 1 months in psychiatry because i was very close to end myself. I ve been home again since march,but due to the covid-19 situation it s very difficult to find theraphy. Normally i m stable with no permanent mental illnesses,but right now I m diagnosed with a phase of heavy depression and need to take medication. My Girlfriend broke up with me end of december and has completely ignored and blocked me since . We ve met about juny last year and we got along great instantly. The dates were a blast and only a month after we were officially in a relationship. Now,normally i m very very carefull with relationships. I ve been used and left a lot of times and it made me scared beyond belief of losing a person i love. I ve been tackling that in therapy for 3 years and felt a lot better,learned to choose better,to handle rejection during dating and not to give myself up completely during a relationship. So i wanted to be sure that she really wanted to be with me. In the first 3 months i braced myself for her getting bored an leaving and i asked her a dozen times if she really wanted this and if we need to slow down a little. And she stayed. She is a drop-dead gorgeous women who already had a bunch of guys waiting for us to fail but she chose to stay with me. And she also showed signs of being in love,giving me pet names and proudly telling her friends about me. She even told me things that she rather keeps to herself. Like telling me that she was in the psychatry after a breakdown. Officially she has been there because of burn-out, but a few people know that she has also been diagnosed with recurrent depression and that was the big issue. She left psychatry 2 months before we started seeing each other. In the beginning she was stable,funny and caring. We travelled a bit and went to parties and concerts and it was absolutely wonderful. She cared about me and showed love towards me. Then in the beginning of october she started to change. It started with going to the hairdresser 2 times to try another,shorter style,before she just shaved her hair off Britney Spears style. She rearranged her dresser 2 times,throwing away a lot of the more colorful and cheerful clothing,leaving her with mostly black and serious clothes. She stopped going to her yoga class and started to answer me very slowly after hours and only after i made the first contact. According to her she felt tired and was sleeping all day. She spent nearly all weekends at my house and everything was fine between us, but her libido dropped to zero. After asking a few times whats wrong she told me that her depression is acting up and she started to feel worse. She reassured me that it was not my fault. I told her that i understand and go along with her until she felt better. So i was patient with her being emotionally and physically distanced because i knew that it would get better. After a month i started to feel sad myself and asked her if maybe,she could put a little bit of energy into asking me how my day was or how i was feeling. She apologized and said she knew she was a bad girlfriend at the moment,but would try to better herself. The next day i got a call that we need to talk. I arrived in her apartment and she was crying,tissues were everywhere. She wanted to break up because her illness was just getting worse and she can t give me what i want and she doesn t want me to see her this way.. I tried to calm her down and make clear that i was with her because i wanted to and i knew it would get better. That we could take things slow to which she cried that that wasn t a real relationship. After an hour i calmed her down and promised to be patient and understanding and give her time. She told me her depression is just getting worse and she just can t really handle emotions or love right now. And her work and financial situation has gotten worse and worse. But we tried. And the next month went better. I had little time and was stressed because i had to learn for my exams,but we tried to make time for each other. But she started to answer less and less over the phone. Then after i visited my father after christmas and she hadn t replied for a whole day she wrote that she wasn t feeling well and if she could come over. I thought something bad happened while she visited her own family, but she stormed into my room and broke up with me. She said she never really loved me and she was just too cowardly to tell me. That she should have broken up a month ago,that i did nothing wrong and could do nothing to change her mind. I tried to defend myself,to find a way to fix this,but she just told me again and again that i can t do anything. That the problem is her not me and that she can t control her feelings towards me. She started cool but began to cry later on. She left and stopped talking to me. That evening i tried to figure out what happened and that her behavior the last few months just doesn t make sense if there never was any love. So i texted her that i find it hard to believe and if it has to do with her illness we can get over it. She just told me her decision was made. Since then i started to try to figure out what happened. I didn t spam her,but i sent her a few messages with my thoughs,that it confuses me and it just didn t feel right. I even looked up help for partners of people with severe depression, and behold, there was the same story 10 times. I wrote her a text with all that i read up, upon being in a relationship with a depressive partner and that i m willing to work on everything with her. After that she blocked me. Even a friend of her was so shocked with the breakup that she offered me to talk to her. But she just told me that she insists on having no love for me and that it has definitely nothing to do with her depression. I haven t heard from her since,she completely banned me from her life. And i m just heartbroken...i love that woman with all i have. I gave my best into the relationship,tried to be supportive and understanding and patient. And in the end i was thrown away like trash again. I tried to contact her, but everything was left unanswered. I asked the friend yesterday if she could tell her that i would like to have a talk,but i have no answer yet. I m just so broken,i can t bear it. I don t know what i did wrong or to deserve this. I just tried to be good partner,i never tried to hurt her...

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