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Zardrican99
400 M Embraced 3
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts19 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2023 Member sinceMay 29, 2023
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Recently diagnosed with Cptsd & ptsd
Trauma Support / by Zardrican99
Last post
 June 16th, 2023
...See more It feels weird to have both diagnosed to you. Like you becoming aware how broken you actually are. I guess here's my story. I was born an accident in a family of 4 (including me), a drug, gambling addict, and abesentee father and anger-prone mother. For as long as I remember I've always been treated like I was a problem. My older brothers always used to berate me and bully me whenever possible and screamed at me whenever I fought back or even cried and even gaslight me that I was the problem. Whenever I try talking to my mother about this she would yell at me to, *** I remember getting beatings just for not doing too well in school or just not living up to an expectation. My father is always let me know that I wasn't the kid he wanted, it didn't help that I had queer shows (I'm bi) in a household that held extreme Catholicism which led to further beatings. I remember my dad telling me that he never wanted me, I remember my mom constantly berating me for not knowing enough Spanish and that I was a terrible son. I was always called *** or slow for not wanting to be exactly like what they wanted me to be, like athletic or macho. As far as I can remember I was berated for just about everything. I remember thinking as a kid that I was always going to go to ***, that I was in a good enough person, that I wasn't worth it. I remember when my parents divorced they put me right in the middle of that, taking everything out on me while my brother's got to avoid everything through work or their relationships and I had to keep us strong face for my little sister so she didn't grow up hating people like me. When I was older I fell into some bad people, I remember seeing a friend get beaten to death, over money of all things. I remember seeing a lot of horrible things being done to people. I'm out of that life now but I still have nightmares and still have night terrors. I always end up having a panic attack whenever somebody screams at me, I can't hear anything like gunfire without going into a flashback, I can't help but shrink whenever somebody starts getting angry at me. Most of the time I just feel like I'm made of paper and it doesn't take much to damage me or destroy me. The unfortunate part of growing up with traumas that you're really good at helping other people with their stuff but it's always feels like no one can be there for you. Like you're always alone, like another species or just something completely foreign for anyone to understand. I recently try to go to a therapist but end up getting a really bad one and that therapist but always end up forgetting about me and my appointments. And recently I had a friend scream at me during my panic attack and so far our relationship has been pretty bad and I'm just trying to figure out how to fix it. Like I said it just feels like something else like not a human but not anything else, like there's this constant wall around me, sometimes I just wish people were just better with me, that my family treated me better, that I wasn't involved with a bunch of violent psychos, that people didn't just look at me and judge me right away. For once I just want to feel normal.
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