abdb1234 Member Profile

...See more context: hello! i am a 17 year old female and i've been in a relationship with my long distance boyfriend (17 also) for about 7.5 months. and everything has been going great. we never fight or argue, we're both very in love, and we had been friends for 3 years prior to our relationship. the distance is very hard on both of us, but we stick together through it and visit as often as we can. we call every single day to just stay in touch and chat about whatever we want. i'm very chatty and he is not. so i talk and he listens. and i promise it's not a bad thing that we're that way. his favorite thing about me is how much i talk and he loves to hear whatever i'm thinking about (he's told me this several times bc i overthink a lot) he's my first everything and he means the world and so much more to me. so i've been struggling with depression and anxiety for around 5 years now (i almost took my life last year, and each year i continue to deal with my depression is gets worse and worse. i am not suicidal at this time) and i've been dealing with it on my own. i'm not allowed to go to therapy or take the medication i need so that's why i'm on this app because i really don't know what to do anymore and i just need help. anyway, enough context i'm worried about my relationship with my boyfriend. i love him more than anything and i cant bear to lose him. my depression keeps getting the best of me and it's starting to affect him poorly. i've always had an overthinking issue that would send me into depressive episodes, and my boyfriend would always be there for me. he would listen to me as i cried and would help me through what i was feeling and reassure me that i was only overthinking whatever was going on. he's perfect and i love him, but i've always felt bad for dumping all my issues onto him. and i've expressed this to him and he tells me that he wants to help and wants to listen and wants me to tell him every little thing that's going on in my life because he just wants to be aware and help me however he can. and as of recently, my depression has been really suffocating. i cant get a moment of happiness and it's making the calls with my boyfriend really difficult for both of us. for the past two weeks, i've been on vacation in another country with a 17 hour time difference to my boyfriend. (i'll be home tomorrow so his sleep schedule should go back to normal by then) so his sleep schedule has been pretty effed. i told him that he doesn't need to change his sleep schedule but he insisted that he wanted to talk to me. anyway, for a few nights, our calls have ended really sour and upsetting. the conversation just gets really sad and i'll be in tears and he seems like he's pretty close to crying. like mid call ill go from smiling and giggling and laughing to feeling like i'm sinking in seconds. and it's starting to affect him. he's telling me about how he's just tired, and it's been a lot on him recently. and he thinks we should call for less time each day and it's tearing me apart. all i want to do is talk to him but i cant effing pull myself together to have a normal conversation. i just need help and i need someone to talk to or some way to manage my emotions or feelings because i can't keep living like this. and i cant bear to see him so upset and down on himself. he is the sweetest and happiest boy and i feel horrible that my depression is rubbing off onto him. like i can hear it in his voice when he starts to get sad too and it makes me just cry. and i don't want to break up with him. i want to work through it and make it better. he's the perfect person for me. ive brought up before, that if i ever get too much he should put himself first, and it scares him a lot to even talk about considering breaking up with me. and he keeps telling me i need to tell him every time i start to feel upset so he can be aware, or every time i misunderstand something or take something personally, but i just find it really hard to tell him about how i'm feeling or if he's accidentally done something that triggered me into an episode. and i feel bad when i tell him, and i feel bad when i don't tell him and it festers and gets worse. i feel terrible and i need advice. i'm worried about him finally getting sick of me and my depression and breaking up with me. how do i make sure my depression doesn't ruin our relationship and how can i manage my emotions better so they stop impacting him and stop taking over my life?

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