ajlockwo3 Member Profile

...See more Hey everyone, I am 23 years old working a part-time job living with mom and her boyfriend and my older sister in a tiny apartment. I am in and out of school because it has been difficult to pay for it although i was enrolled at community college and made deans list for two semesters while i was there. I did fairly well in high school and don't know why things just don't click for me in that area of life but that's only part of the problem. I have always been friendly pretty good social guy however have never had many friends and was late with getting girlfriend in high school (started dating senior year). We dated for 3.5 years before we broke up because of my depression issues and because she was getting really close to this guys she was going to school with and it was driving me nuts. Since then I've suddenly lost contact with any of the "friends" i went to high school with and when i do reach them they avoid hanging out rather obviously. I continued to try to make friends but had so many problems such as no money to consistently go out and not being in school enough to really get to know anyone. I tried volunteering at the city mission to try to open up my social circle to people who i believed were truly good natured but positions filled up and my schedule conflicted with their ability to have me on. I started dating a girl a year and a half ago and things were definitely getting better until i realized two things. One she made out with a friend of mine who happened to be another girl the night we started going out and didn't tell me about it as they both tried to hide it for some reason and two she has had many sexual experiences before me including threesomes and two guys in one night and felt the need to tell me all of this. I understand that i'm the problem here and my insecurities have led me down a dark path in our relationship as I have grown to be angry jealous and at times even resent her for it. I feel like the lowest person but I kind of envy her life she had when she was young and wish i was the one having threesomes with her not the guy who treated her like shit and only cared to see her once a week. She never wanted to go out with people or have fun on weekends when we went out and alienated herself from her friends. She claimed it was from social anxiety but its difficult for me to understand that with the friendships she had experiences she had and parties she would throw in high school. I also have had issues with the fact that she lacks the motivation to go back to school and thinks the man should be the provider while i work 20+ more hours than her every week and go to school. So we broke up for good the other day when i realized how much anxiety she was causing me and I didn't think it was fair of me to keep her close when i was such a mess of a man. I wanted to let her free. I do love her though and it breaks my heart that it didn't work out. My depression has been an ongoing issue since my parents divorced and my father moved to Florida. I never get to see him only seen him twice in 5 years as it is not cheap to visit Florida and he refuses to come up here. I miss him very much and don't understand why they couldn't work it out. My inability to build a healthy social life has caused me to have intense panic attacks at work and at home where i will either have anger outbursts (punched hole in my wall) or crying fits for 30+ minutes where i sometimes have difficulty breathing and slight seizure like symptoms because of it. My family is scared and i been doing everything i can to get better including talking to every therapist online i can imagine and and also seeing someone in person but having to pay too much to go back again. I started on drugs although never wanted to about 2 years ago. Ive tried three drugs and they all made things worse. My panic attacks are taking over and i feel absolutely awful after the high is gone. Ive tried to stay active and go for frequent 5 mile runs and eat veryyy healthy. My blood pressure and pulse are fantastic and body weight very slim. I take multiple vitamins but the sadness doesnt go away. Most recently i tried to go full time at work as i desperately needed the money because i am having difficulty paying my bills and school tuition books, but was denied due to "tardiness issues" in the crazy buffalo winter months we had. I often found myself after shoveling out my car and getting through traffic stumbling into work 5-10 minutes late. Most times calling ahead to let them know i was running late. I will often stay 9 hour or ten hour shifts to help department and have always been praised for my hard work. They would not give me full time and i had to watch less experienced less motivated and less reliable co workers get the positions i should of had. This makes it extremely hard to trust them and has left me very sad. Ive interviewed at many places since this and no place could pay me more than i'm making now or give me a full-time job. My panic episodes at work led them to give me 2 weeks paid leave to contact my doctor and get better. Im still not better and now i think they see me as too insane to be able to handle full-time which could not be further from the truth. So i have no girlfriend no friends no money not in school and so depressed about how sorry i feel for myself that I'm almost sick. Im a shell of a person i should be and don't know what else i have to do to get better. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated thanks for taking time to help me out.

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

Caring and good listener

Reviewed Sep 14, 2026

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio