alicethefrog Member Profile

Confusion about the future

General Support / by alicethefrog

September 17th, 2023

...See more so this is going to be me venting about what has been on my mind about the future. I am genuinely thankful for every single piece of advice:) Feel free to share your stories and experiences about this topic as well! Right now, I am in my final year. I have (somehow) navigated through school and all that crap without having a major breakdown. However, instead of that, during the previous years, I have continued to feel more and more insecure and confused. Because everything is happening so fast. One moment, I am just, you know, a kid, and right now, I have to take decisions I feel like I am nowhere capable of taking. And I am feeling more and more overwhelmed, so I don’t take any long-term decisions, which makes me feel even more overwhelmed. I am really, really terrified, to be honest. I am terrified of taking my finals in half a year, I am terrified of what comes after, I am terrified of adulthood in general. But mostly, I am terrified of taking those important decisions and taking the wrong ones, and growing up doing just some stuff to get around, and then one day, I will just realize I have wasted most of my life doing just something. I don’t *** want that. One reason for that is probably my age. I am still a Minor. I am younger than everyone else in my year and it makes me feel like garbage. I do not feel emotionally mature enough to decide what to do for the rest of my life. I feel like an effing 6 year old being thrown into the ocean, not knowing how to swim. I don’t feel ready. But the thing is, if I wait until I feel ready, I will never take any decisions. I am garbage in taking good, important decisions. Or at least I feel like I am. Next thing: I feel as if I cannot get any real advice from real life people around me. Sounds shítty, is shittty. I know that technically I could talk to my parents, my friends, my sister, man, there are people who work at our school who help people like me professionally. But I am extremely hesitant when it comes to sharing my real feelings with others. It makes me feel vulnerable. And I feel like I am a problem when doing so. It’s easier to say everything is fine and just nodding and saying yes. Of course, I joke around with my friends. They know I am not feeling ready. In a way. But I have never had friends to which I completely emptied my feelings to. I don’t do that with them, I don’t do that with my family. I do it online, sobbing, in front of my stupid Tablet because I cannot express my feelings without feeling like a burden to others. I have did it before, two times I remember specifically, and it was only because everything had gotten so bad that I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. Nothing happened after that. I specifically told my parents that I want a therapist to be able to talk someone for once, but nothing happened. So I didn’t bother anymore. Speaking of: my parents. Specifically why I just cannot share my feelings with them, or only occasionally. I have never had a great Bo d with them. Throughout my childhood, I had difficulties with them, mostly my mom. I have been a *** child, very much, because I was never satisfied. And ever since I remember, I knew not to tell Mom about my feelings, because in some way, it would be turned against me. She complains because I do not want to share anything with her, but each and every time, something is my fault. Mostly my laziness, my stubbornness, my ignorance. I was told to be an emotional burden, a financial burden, never satisfied, never sharing, lazy, ungrateful, whatever crap. I hated it, now I am deaf to her anger. I just turn off my feelings and listen and nod and continue. She says that she doesn’t know what she has done in her past lives to deserve us (my siblings and me), that she wanted to end herself and everything. But to be fair: she has got a point. I have three siblings, youngest severely disabled and just as much of a burden and a blessing. Second youngest: my brother, probably neurodivergent, and because all of the attention goes to my youngest sister, he has taken to try to get any attention possible, by being an annoying ***, and is frustrated because he does not get any positive attention. I try to give it to him, but it is hard. Second oldest is my sister, probably the closest human relationship I ever had, however probably autistic, plus depressed, and her ups and downs always drag me along as well. Then there is my dad, who loves mom infinitely, but is the reason she had to give up her career and stick to us kids. He is the only “provider”, working most of the day and trying to compensate the *** that mom can’t fix when he is back home. Mom herself has to do all the *** at home, because we kids are either not able to do anything or just find it easier to ignore tasks until they are done by someone else. Usually my parents. In my parents defense: their parents have really not been the best ones, and I think their abuse has kinda led to some trauma in my parents? Idk though, I am in no way qualified to judge. So, all in all, I have learned that it is much easier to just not share my problems and handle them myself, because it is much easier for them if I am the sunshine kiddo that makes up the dysfunctionality of this family. Back to the real problem: growing up. Because I don’t know what to do. On the one hand, I feel like I have to take the best-paying job that is offerable, but on the other hand, I want to do something I love. But I don’t know what that is. My current plan A was to take a job that I figured out some years ago would fit me, and until now, I have just stuck to it. Right now, I have no *** clue what to do anymore. I figured that, hey, you should do things you love, but in reality, everything that I like involves complete escapism and does not usually earn me or anyone a living. So the decision is: do something I love or something that pays well? I have always looked forward to independence, to getting away from this *** up family of mine that I love and hate, and most importantly, find something that makes me me. But at the same time, I don’t know how I am going to afford that, and man, this world is not one where you can get along well without money (yes, capitalism sucks), and just generally, everything feels like it is spiraling downwards; economy, nature, and we don’t want to talk about morality . In the end, I am happy if someone out there in the depths of the internet will read this and actually think: “hey, I know something “ or “man, I feel exactly this right now”. Just dumping everything on here does help somehow. I hope everyone who stayed around until here has an even greater day than ever before:)

So shen does anxiety become dangerous?

Anxiety Support / by alicethefrog

May 19th, 2023

I found a potential suicide letter of my sister

Depression Support / by alicethefrog

April 30th, 2023

The Dreamer‘s kingdom

Poetry / by alicethefrog

April 19th, 2023

Me rewriting the creation of Adam and Eve and more all wrong hehehe

Reading & Writing / by alicethefrog

April 18th, 2023

...See more Dear readers: I find this very funny. If you do too, feel free to laugh out loud. It is actually really good for you. If you do not, you can feel free to just ignore this. Have a good day. Spoiler: this does not follow any timelines. I will jump in time. Why? Because I do not want to write a *** connection between these two masterpieces. Yay. God Meets Adam And Eve For The First Time or as I call it, CONFUSION „What the *** are you doing in my garden“ said God, and stared at them. „You created us“ said Eve, just as confused as God was. „Oh *** not again“ said God. „I tried to do clay art. I wanted to do a self portrait.“ He looked closer at Adam. „Well“, said God, „you sure are a very *** self-portrait.“ „Ow“ said Adam, who just got insulted by an old man who could barely see without his glasses. „Well“, said Eve, „at least he is making progress.“ She looked at some small angels. However, to her, they were not Angels, but just a Huge Ball With Rings And Wings And Way Too Many Eyes. „Don‘t judge!“ growled God, „that is my Expressionism phase, okay? I was young!“ And Part Two: Man Falls For A Very Sus Snake, Turns Out That Him Being Fruity Was All Wrong „Tommy, Tommy?“ Said God, having already forgot Adam‘s name. „Yes, Papa.“ said Adam. Except he didn’t say it, because he had his mouth full of the apple. „Eating Sweeties?“ asked God, and stepped on a lizard. „Ouch“ said the lizard and flew away. Adam swallowed, and said: „No Papa.“ Which was technically the truth, he did not eat sweeties. Only a forbidden apple. Meanwhile, Eve sat on a stone and thought about the thing with apples and doctors. God could heal, so he was technically a doctor. Now all she needed was another apple and the knowledge what a doctor was. God, who finally found his glasses in his many pockets, put them on and saw Adam, who he thought was Tommy, who was just reaching out for another apple. He did not see Eve though, because the stone she sat on stood behind him. „I‘m the tree“ said Adam, his voice trembling. God did not look too happy. „I‘ll turn you into a tree“ said God, „Tommy, you are a bad, bad, boy.“ „I‘m Adam“ said Adam, and tried to duck behind the snake. Needless to say it did not work, because the snake was actually just another lizard whose legs had been stepped on by God. Thank God the lizard was used to microaggressions like these. „You have gained consciousness of your nakedness“ said God. „You are hiding behind leaves“ „I am most certainly not“ said Adam. His voice was getting higher because he did not like the fact that an old man was staring at him like a funking pedophile. „Yes you are“ said God, and stepped on The Lizard Without Legs. „That‘s it“, said the lizard. „*** is much better than this place.“ And he tried to dug a hole into the earth to dig down straight into ***. But a lizard without legs cannot dug, and he quickly got tired from trying to eat the dirt. Plus, the lizard was not straight. „I will have to expel you from Eden“ said God, „and you shall never return, and you-“ He didn‘t speak further. Eve had plucked another apple and, with all her strength, had thrown it against God‘s head. God felt a bit dizzy, but mostly very, very weird. There were naked kids in his garden, and they were eating his apples and throwing them at him. Suddenly, he could feel his Rheuma. „Out“ said God, and then he went off to get a really long Power Nap. And Adam and Eve got out of the garden, plucking as many fruits as they could on their way out. Feel free to add your very serious interpretations of the bible below:).

Rant

Depression Support / by alicethefrog

March 23rd, 2023

...See more My ducking god how I hate this bullshït my sister is depressed and of course, she feels ***. so, she treats herself and the world ***. guess who is included by „the world“? Me. So, naturally, my parents take my sister‘s side to not upset her and trigger her more. Yeah, guess who always is wrong then? Me and my other siblings. And do not get me wrong, I see why they are doing it and part of me wants to do that too. But, why the everlasting *** do I feel so angry?! I feel poorly treated, I feel not listened to, I feel guilty of being angry at my sis. She treats me ***, my parents, my other younger siblings and we all do not deserve this. We do not deserve this. Yes, she does neither. But I can and will not give up my own feelings and my own sanity for her sake. I can and will not sacrifice myself and my younger siblings for her anger issues. She explodes so easily and gets mad for the slightest of reasons and is totally not answering to logic. ”It is not her who is doing this, it is her depression making her do it”, I tell myself. But that does not soothe my wounds. It is still her talking that *** and treating others (and herself) like ***, it is still her. The fact that she probably did not choose this does not erase my wounds. If a soldier is wounded in a battle, his wounds will not disappear when you know that his enemy was ill. Do no harm, but take no ***, but honestly, I am tired of taking *** so that I do not harm her. I hate this and I hate her depression and I hate being angry at her and everyone.

Depressed people‘s personalities

Depression Support / by alicethefrog

March 8th, 2023

Gender identity and children

LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by alicethefrog

March 3rd, 2023

...See more What do you think when parents should start to encourage their children about finding their own gender? Which age would you set as a starting point from which on you should take a child‘s eventual genderfluidity serious? What are your experiences? Context: Today, in biology, my class disputed about this. Our teacher told us about a genderfluid kid in the 5th grade and how the genderfluidity confused her. She did not take him seriously and obviously thought it was „too much“ that his moms always encouraged him to „pick whatever gender he likes“. She totally focused on the kid being a biological boy but regularly switching genders, and really could not understand why. I thought that she was overreacting, but to my surprise, my class agreed on her saying that her parents took it too far, and that they basically pushed their kid into being bullied (btw the kid’s class did not have any problems with it at all, she said that the kid was not bullied at all). To say I was speechless is unnecessary. I think that, especially for young kids, it is really important that their parents give them an option to be what they want to be from a very early age on. But I somehow still see my teacher‘s confusion, and that she did not take the child too seriously (the kid I am talking about was 11), as I said, the kid was and is still young. But I know how hurting it can be when adults do not respect your decisions as a kid, and how big the frustration can be. And I can only imagine what a HUGE problem this is for genderfluid, non-binary or transgender people, even as adults, as I have a possibly genderfluid sibling. So, what do you think? Am I overreacting? What are your experiences with situations like these? And are there any scientific sources about this topic?

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