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I’ve been in a relationship for about a year and I have many valid concerns That I need opinions on From unbiased sources. To make a long story short, I am a very needy person, and I crave reassurance due to past trauma and relationship trauma. I have a fear of abandonment and I overthink a lot. Sometimes I have even caught myself overthinking and creating problems that are stemming from my past relationship trauma of being cheated on and lied to right under my nose. Basically, in my previous relationship of 10 years, I was blindsided by love, and I never thought that I would get cheated on and disrespected to a point that Makes me feel like I cannot trust anyone and everyone could have an ulterior motive or I look for things because I am so scared of getting hurt that I am on a constant lookout that I cannot have a peaceful relationship. My relationship that I am in now started off great as they usually do and quickly has now become the most stressful aspect of my life. My partner does not meet my needs of reassurance and emotional availability and closeness that I crave in my eyes. I feel most loved when I’m being comforted and cared for because affection and touch is my love language possibly because I did not receive this from my parents as a child. I was forced to mature at a very young age and problem solved for myself because my parents chose their addiction over me. This left me with a huge abandonment fear that anyone who loves me could possibly leave at any second and I will be left to deal with being alone And facing the world by myself. I definitely realize that I need to gain a sense of independence because I rely on my partner to bring me happiness, and I understand that I have to be my own source of happiness to truly be happy, but I have a very hard time With being alone and I just want someone to be there for me to go through lives ups and downs with because in my eyes or the way that I feel life is very uncertain and having someone by your side that loves you and would do anything for you eases that stress of uncertainty because at least you will have someone by your side to support and care for you through life‘s challenges when I try to explain my overthinking to my partner, he has tried to understand my perspective, but because he disagrees he does not accept or validate my feelings, which then leads me to believe that he does not care about me Enough, or he would except me and work with me to help me overcome my personal trauma that I bring into the relationship to give you a little bit of background information, I trusted him 100% until I found out that he was lying about having a drug addict addiction Once I finally found hard-core evidence that he could not manipulate me into believing otherwise he finally admitted this, and this made me lack trust in his words after finding out about his addiction. He became very cold to me and careless towards my feelings and six months into our relationship. I decided that I needed to know if he was being faithful to me or not, because I felt like he was being secretive about his phone, so I went through his phone and discovered multiple messages to various girls one even including his ex that he swears he wanted nothing to do with and was over her After confronting him about this. He denied the accusations and basically wanted me to drop it and never talk about it again after barely making me feel better about the situation whenever I bring the situation up again he still tries to act like he did nothing wrong and that it wasn’t a big deal and that basically as if it never Happened That was back in December 2024 fast-forward to now June 2025 I recently discovered that he purchased an only fans subscription of a female who lives, not even 20 minutes away. He tried to gaslight me and blame his cousin for using his card information, but as I felt in my gut and instincts, that was a lie, I dug a little deeper and found out that it was his only fans account linked to his email, and in his web browsing history on his phone was the proof of him accessing only fans, and it was 100% his doing. He literally tried to lie to my face and manipulate me into thinking that I was overreacting because he was blaming his cousin for using his card information. His email address and his phone to watch this girls pornography He then refused to admit this and will not admit it even though the proof is right in front of both of our faces, he denies it to this day and says manipulating phrases like I’m not going to admit to something I didn’t do and makes me feel like I should be the one to apologize for blaming him or accusing him of things that are not true And his manipulation tactics are wildly narcissistic because he makes me feel like I am in the wrong for wanting to know the truth and honesty from him not to mention when he gets caught or things don’t go his way he lashes out and starts to flip things around like it is my fault And in some way, I deserve to be disrespected, and that if I didn’t act a certain way, then I wouldn’t be treated badly. Not to mention I’m the only one in the relationship with a stable job a house and a car. Meanwhile, I allow him to use all of my Resources of giving him money allowing him to use my car and just recently I found some receipts in my car that are to a local store in our town that that show a vanilla gift card being reloaded. I became very curious as to why he is reloading money onto gift cards Not to mention it’s not just one gift card. There are multiple gift cards because the receipts show different last four digit numbers so I have been trying to configure out what he is doing with these gift cards because he just was caught buying only fans subscriptions to local people Less than three weeks ago last night. I asked him a question and he blew his top and manipulated me into feeling like I am coming up with stories out of thin air when I know I have a valid reason for feeling this way so he got into the shower last night and left his pants on the floor And his pants was his wallet with some receipts and a brand new Visa gift card that the numbers hadn’t even been scratched off of yet. I went to call the card numbers, but I did not get the last four digits of the card number and was unable to see what the card Was used for or when it was bought, but I did find two other receipts in my car that were reloaded the previous day before, but I have never seen those physical cards so when he got out of the shower, I had moved his pants from the floor and hung them up, but I left his wallet in them When he realized his pants had been moved. He reacted in such a strong way that made me feel like there was something extremely important in his pants that he needed at that exact moment so I asked him what is so important in the pants that you needed to react so aggressively and question where your pants were at when he grabbed his pants he immediately put his hand in the pocket, pulled out his wallet and put it in the new pair of pants he was wearing this made me almost 100% sure that he is being deceitful about That gift card and what it is being used for in my eyes. I view the situation as if there is nothing to hide then you will gladly explain to your loved one to ease their worry or overthinking because there is nothing to hide in his eyes. He states that if he is with me and dating me, then I need to trust him And he shouldn’t be questioned about infidelity or anything because I should just trust him because that’s what he does for me and that’s what he expects back because he doesn’t question me. He then turns this into making me feel like I am crazy because I found two gift cards in my car With three receipts that show a card is being reloaded, but he refuses to explain or admit that that was him, he tries to make me feel like I’m crazy and that the evidence I have is not real or isn’t his doing when he is the only other person that uses this car he did make a few valid points that I do overthink and make things worse than they are out to be because of my past trauma I am almost expecting to get cheated on or abandoned again, so therefore I look for that and my mind validate it for me. There is a few possible ways that the gift cards Could have been in the car that aren’t his doing, but the receipts are the hard-core proof that the gift cards are being reloaded at our local stores, and there is no other possible explanation how those receipts ended up in my vehicle except that he was the one that made those purchases and left those receipts behind. I found the receipts and moved them into the house to keep until I was ready to explain my findings and what that makes me believe is going on instead of him, sitting down with me and having a conversation about my worries and concerns, he denied everything and decided to leave and go with his friend for the entire day And shows back up at my house at two in the morning. Meanwhile, the entire time he was gone I’m asking for him to just explain to me and just be honest and if he doesn’t wanna be with me then just tell me that I have no problem ending the relationship if he is unwilling to treat me correctly and be understanding to my worries and reassure me he then makes me feel like he’s gaslighting me because he won’t admit to the receipts and he’s basically saying that I made all this up in my head and that I am going to drive myself crazy by worrying about being done wrong and to basically except that he is with me and with him being with me, should be enough validation that I shouldn’t have concerns so I feel that after finding messages to other girls, flirting with them or complementing them online purchasing only fans while we are in a relationship, not just recently, but also back in December when I went through his phone and found he was messaging those girls This automatically makes me not trust that he is being faithful so now that I find these receipts and gift card transactions it raises even higher concern that he is still purchasing things that he knows I would disagree with and is trying to do so without me being able to see transactions That he does because that’s exactly how I found out. He did it before because his Cash app purchased notifications came up on my phone after he signed into his cash app on my phone and never signed out what just broke my heart was after I expressed my feelings to him and why I feel this way he had the audacity to pretend to worry about the contents of a bag that I brought into the house and he was being dramatic and basically trying to make me feel stupid for caring about the gift cards and saying how psychotic that is as he pretended to care about what was in the bag That was full of clothes, and he is just joking about my feelings and not taking me seriously and treating me as if I am a joke and not even caring about my feelings about the situation or wanting to make me feel better in anyway, and I just am lost for words because I know that he cares about me, but I feel like I am being taken advantage of and gaslighted and given fake love just so that way he can benefit from being in a relationship with me and being able to do whatever he wants and not and me not ask him questions about Concerns that I have about him being honest and true to me. He basically expects me to not question him and not ask him any questions that I have concerns about and just let him do as he pleases while I pay all of the bills and I am left feeling used and Emotionally abused because I’m not even getting what I wish for out of this relationship I’m accepting less than what I want to be with him because I love him meanwhile it seems like he is trying to get everything he can out of me and doesn’t feel the need to reciprocate love connection or a sense of security for me When I have asked and explained multiple times he refuses to be sympathetic to my experiences and feelings, and I just don’t know what to do anymore because I care a lot about him. I do not want to restart another relationship and I thought that he cared about me, but it is very evident And mind blowing how he can take my insecurities and concerns and throw them back into my face and try to manipulate me into feeling wrong and invalidate my feelings completely. On another note. He is a good person whenever he is satisfied if his needs are being met that he is happy but he is very, very rude and inconsiderate when it comes to my feelings and literally does things on purpose to upset me because he wants to get under my skin so I just need opinions on what to do and how to handle this relationship because as crazy as it seems, I don’t want to break up with him But I also know that I’m neglecting my own needs and hurting myself by believing that one day he will be different or one day he will care and I don’t know how to talk to him about this or even if the way I’m feeling is correct or if I’m possibly not understanding him and I just need multiple perspectives because I feel like I’m correct but I also feel like we have a big misunderstanding of each other and how to deal with one another’s emotions and needs. I am 100% willing to do what I can and able to get the help. I need about my personal problems that I don’t know if he will ever be willing to understand or accept that my feelings of needing reassurance and asking clarifying questions won’t go away unless I feel secure in my relationship and the only way for us to get there is by him proving to me and reassuring me that he isn’t going to cheat on me or do scandalous shady things behind my back and then try and make me feel ashamed and crazy for these thoughts that Are true concerns of mine someone please respond and help me understand what is going on because I need an unbiased opinion because all of my friends and family members agree with me, but I feel like it’s because they obviously are going to be on my side and I just need someone to tell me And ask me questions so that way they can give me their unbiased opinion because this is detrimentally affecting my life and whenever I feel out of control, I feel the need to lash out and it’s very hard to control my emotions when I am in a state of worry and fearing that I’ll be abandoned or Lonely there is a lot more to the story and a lot more things that give you insight so please someone just reach out to me and help me understand what I’m going through because I am so confused
