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amiablePomegranate5363
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2019 Member sinceNovember 4, 2019
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Wife separated and I am having difficulty
Relationship Stress / by amiablePomegranate5363
Last post
 June 25th, 2020
...See more My wife and I have been together about 5 years, married about 1.5. Weve had ups and downs, and Im quite proud that we made it through all the tough times, financial and otherwise. At the end of September she left to stay at her sisters and told me we would separate for 2 months. I think in many ways it was necessary, and a lot of good has come from it for me as I have improved many things in my life such as health, my drinking, and finances. Background: we both used to drink too much together and werent the best communicators, so drunk shed say things like Im not happy with her. But in that state even when I say Im happy and she is putting words in my mouth it falls on deaf ears. A few months ago she was on a girls weekend and some friends dropped by our house. One asked if he could invite a girl he was seeing, so I said yes and we partied all night and had a hot tub (appropriately clothed) and stuff. Meanwhile she was with the girls running around naked at their girls pool party, like when they were teens. When she called in the morning I told her honestly who was there, and even suggested I thought she would get along with this girl. In the same time period Ive stayed out late with a friend, but always said who I was with, but on one occasion my phone died, so if she messaged after that or called, I was not able to answer. Since then Ive cut out the friends I stay out inappropriately long with, and have reduced my drinking to almost nothing and eating healthier and exercising, I finally hit my target weight and moved on to the next target. Maybe a month later, the dog had a pair of panties in her mouth that she thinks I caused the be there because it was the day after I worked from home to be there for our pool table delivery. Ive since learned that it was from a bag of clothes from a girls weekend a year and a half ago that we moved with us when we moved. I never have, nor ever will, cheat on her and everyone that knows us, and knows me, would say the same. She has said the same and said so to her mom and sisters. Finally, to the weekend she left. We were at her sisters and the kids (mine from a previous marriage) were asking why we were left alone and nobody acted like we existed, only the nephew (or child) that is blood seemed to be getting attention. So I went in and confronted and was asked to leave in a cab. I had been drinking heavily during the day as it was how I handled my emotions at the time, and I was completely in the wrong and most likely was interpreting things incorrectly. She told me she was staying there, a few days later she switched my place in a $1900 trip to (someone I will call Nora as she will come up again), after telling Nora she was leaving me, and nobody, not even me, knows. We/I have many friends, and the walls have ears you may find... Nora is repaying for the trip, which actually is beneficial to me getting my finances back on track. Shortly after she suggested getting a place with Nora and asked about one. This came just before a note I sent apologizing for my actions, after that she briefly searched for furniture and a place, but halted all that activity. Since then, I sent a note talking about my drinking, what Im doing to not resort to drinking by being in touch with emotions and so on and she spent an afternoon after the gym cuddling because she didnt feel well. She has gotten ready for work after gym and left her dryer and straightener, had hot tubs with me, gotten ready with me, and cuddled after the gym and had hot tubs. Often when shes coming to have a talk she gets very drunk the day before and ends up taking a $50 cab to her sisters. To me that says shes not speaking her heart, but preparing to say words outside of her, possibly what others say, and that she loves me still. I know Nora left her fiancé and has a poor attitude towards men, and they spend quite a bit of time together where wife works in a bar, so I think thats part of it. She has partly acknowledged the drinking to prepare. For the most part, whereas she used to drink excessively almost daily, she has also improved her drinking with those exceptions. There have been many times I have truly felt she still loves me, and her concern when I was having severe sleep difficulty is another sign. Visits are common, I see her several times a week, and we text back and forth and laugh. Last night she came for a visit after work to see our pets and I think me. I made supper while I let her rest on the couch (I knew she was rough from the night before, since we were going to talk). Then I joined her and we cuddled on the couch and watched some TV, my head was on her hip and my hand on her outer thigh part way up her dress. Nothing sexual, just cozy, with my other arm up her back. We cuddled like that for almost 3 hours. And no drinking, which is different than our previous pattern. Point is I recognize we had gotten to a fairly toxic pattern and a separation was necessary to break that pattern. We used to have $2000 bar bills monthly, and now Ive only gone out maybe 3-4 times and shes had fewer drinks after work most days, Ive also cut back drinking at home to closer to healthy drinking guidelines. I used to postpone debt repayment for drinking, but now Ive put a 2 year plan together, so overall its been very good. I'm seeing these improvements in me and in our relationship or potential relationship. I feel that there is still hope for us, even though she is still at her sister's house. I feel there are times when she it told she shouldn't or can't come see me, and I told her it seems like external forces change whether we hang out, and she followed through and hung out and cuddled last night. Keeping all of this in my head has been hard and Im hoping talking it here will help me have perspective. I know some people will say that the toxic period should have been the end of it, but I'm hoping people will see the glimmer that I see.
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