amusingTiger3372 Member Profile

...See more My assaults were years ago. The most recent one happened when I was 10. I’m 15 now. And for some reason I can’t sleep tonight because of it. I keep shoving my backside against the wall and curling up into a ball and telling myself that as long as he can’t get to my backside I’ll see them coming and I can stop them. I didn’t do anything to stop them before. I could’ve, but I didn’t. I can’t sleep. They haunt me every day. The flashbacks are getting bad. It’s not just a glancing thought that I can ignore anymore. It’s whole scenes playing out in my head of 9-year-old me getting assaulted in her sleep by her cousin not even a year older than her at a family event. It’s vivid images of my father telling ten-year-old me that it’s my fault my stepbrother assaulted me in my sleep while I was laying next to my step sister because I didn’t stop him. Because I was scared. Because I didn’t know what would happen if I moved. It’s thoughts of 7-year-old me scared in the dark as an unknown hand roamed my body. I had no control. I was scared. I’m still scared. I don’t know what I would do it it happened again, probably freeze, because that’s what scared little girls do, the freeze. But I don’t want to be the scared little girl. I don’t know how to stop it though. I don’t know how to be anything else

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