...See more
Hey there! I am pretty new to this site, and to be honest, I am super nervous about posting here. I have posted on other sites before about this exact thing, and have gotten a lot of backlash; maybe because they weren't looking at it from an anxiety point of view. Who knows.
I am going to warn you, this post may be long, but I need to vent and I need someone that understands to listen. At the beginning of 2020, I was in a 4-year relationship with a man that I had planned on spending the rest of my life with. I adored everything about him, and to be honest with you, looking back, I probably loved him more than I loved myself. Which I know now was not the healthiest either. We lived together, went on family vacations, spent every holiday together, talked about having a family, marriage, growing old together, etc. Fast forward to February 29th, 2020. Out of the absolute blue, he came home from work, sat on the edge of the bed, and said to me, "I think it would be best for me if I moved back in with my mom for awhile." My heart dropped to my stomach. We hadn't been fighting, there hadn't been any unresolvable arguments- there was nothing that had happened that had screamed: "your relationship is about to end". I was crushed. I felt like the life that we had planned together just got ripped away from me. I asked him, "Is there something I did?".. "No". "There has to be a way we can get through this, we have already been through so much, we can get through anything".... "I just feel like this is what I need to do right now". And then came the dreaded question... "Is there someone else?" "I can't believe you would even say that" was his reply. Three days later, I found out he was sleeping with another woman while his mom was on vacation. They had both moved out of their significant other's houses on the same day. This had obviously been planned. I had never felt so betrayed in my life. His stuff was still in my house at this point. I threw it all in a pile for him to pick up and get out. There are times where sometimes I feel like I acted way too drastic, and other times that I don't know how else I was supposed to react finding that out. He hurt me in a way that I didn't know was possible. And honestly, I'm still struggling to figure out how to fix it. I was depressed for a while. It was the start of the pandemic, we were all housebound, I didn't leave my bed. My mom became my roommate for 6 weeks. I was in such a state of anxiety that I was prescribed hydroxyzine to sleep through the worst of it. I lost 23 pounds. My mom had to wake me up to eat and I became so weak that she had to help me to and from the bathroom and help me get in and out of the bathtub. My therapist told me that I needed to start talking to other people. She said that it would help me get my mind off of things. I downloaded a few dating apps and had a few pointless conversations with people, but it didn't FEEL good. My heart was still hung up on him, and it almost felt like I was cheating on him. I don't know why it felt that way, but it did. I went on a date with 2 people during a short period, and I was counting down the minutes until it was over. I just wanted to go home. I ended up deleting all of the dating apps and had pretty much given up. I was okay with being by myself, and I was starting to come to terms with the way things were. Just when you think you have everything planned out, life throws in a curveball. I get a Facebook message from someone that my best girlfriend races with. I knew of him but had never really talked to him before, and to be honest, had kind of expected it to go nowhere just like every other conversation that I'd had. It started off like all the others, a simple hello, how are you, etc. This was different though. He wanted to know about me, who I was, things I liked, what made me laugh. He didn't have an ulterior motive. We began to talk daily, and then eventually he asked if we could meet up. I reluctantly said yes, and it was the first date since him that was actually fun. We drove around, talked about nothing, and it was fun. I didn't dread every second of it. I explained to him that I had just recently gotten out of a pretty serious relationship and that I wasn't sure what I was ready for, what I was able to commit to, etc. Shockingly, he was just fine with that. He just wanted to spend time with me. We spent about a month and a half together. I went to his races, we went out, he took me on the most romantic date I've ever been on in my life, and we decided to make it an official "relationship" in June. I have been very honest with him in my healing process and what I have been going through. He knows the demons I struggle with, and he still chooses to see me. He says "he sees past all of it". He has two children. A girl aged 9, and a son aged 7. He decided to sell his racecar over the Summer so that we could get a camper and all go camping together. He said that meant more to him. Lately, I have been struggling with a lot of anxiety. Like I have said previously, I have been very honest about my feelings and how I am still trying to heal, and he knows this and chooses to still be with me. The more time we spend together, the more I feel guilty. I feel a lot of guilt because I feel like I am not able to give "more" of myself to him. I feel like I was so sure about my last relationship, and I was so sure that he was the one that I was going to spend the rest of my life with, that I am unsure about everything now. I feel like nothing is for sure. I feel like there are so many things about this relationship that I am "not sure" about. I know that a lot of this is because I am still healing from past hurts and because I am subconsciously trying to protect myself. The thing that I am most unsure about is the children. This really baffles me because I work with children for a living. If anyone should be able to handle 2 children, it should be me. I think what gives me so much anxiety is that I don't have any children of my own and this is my first relationship with someone that does have children. The children aren't bad, it's just different, and my anxiety does not like change. Long-term, I often wonder if it will be something that is going to be a good fit for me. It gives me a lot of anxiety because sometimes I feel like I have to have all of this figured out right now. I feel like I HAVE to know if this is all going to work if I am going to be able to handle the kids if I am going to want to move in with this man if I am going to want to marry him. Feeling like I have to know all this gives me crippling anxiety and is taking away from me being able to enjoy my time with him. I LOVE spending my time with him but thinking about this becoming anything more than what it is right now gives me a lot of anxiety and I'm not sure why. Having those feelings also brings me a lot of guilt. I have expressed my feelings to him, expressed that I am feeling unsure and guilty, expressed that the thought of taking on the responsibility of two children is intimidating, and he still chooses to stick by me. He says, "I think things will get easier with time, these aren't things we need to figure out right now, things are fine how they are. I enjoy spending my time with you and I don't want to give up on you." This man is wonderful, I just can't shake this guilt and anxiety for the way I feel.
If you made it this far, thanks for listening.
