Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
Talk to a licensed therapist Wherever you are, whenever you need support. Get matched
ashes04
1,181 M Little Steps 3
PathStep 81 Compassion hearts44 Forum posts29 Forum upvotes62 Current upvotes62 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2018 Member sinceJanuary 23, 2018
Bio
Recent forum posts
ashes04 profile picture
sexual assault
Trauma Support / by ashes04
Last post
 March 11th, 2018
...See more a little poem;possible TW Your dirty mouth pressed itself to my lips, despite my protest Your tounge pushing its way through my mouth, making me nauseous With a burst of courage, I punched my fist into your mouth You slammed me back, blood filling my mouth, pooling over my lips You leaned back in, your dirt mouth demanding a kiss You pulled away for oxygen, my blood dripping from your lips Your hands tightened around my neck Black, and black, and suddenly nothing
ashes04 profile picture
Letter to My Rapist (TW)
Trauma Support / by ashes04
Last post
 March 7th, 2018
...See more im 13, this is an open letter to my rapist Dear... you. I don't even know my name, but I can still remember the smirk on your face when you took away a piece of me. I can still taste the rusty blood that filled my mouth when you slammed my head down as I protested. I could feel the effects of the drugs rushing through my bloodstream, causing my eyes to close despite my fight. I felt my ankle snap and heart my ribs crack. I remember crying in the ambulance as the medics jabbed a needle through my vein to try to relieve the pain. I remember the nurses blue eyes as she told me to stay alive, whispered that my injuries were the worst she's seen in her time, my body, a scene of a crime. Hours went by, I was unsure if I would survive, left alone, no tears left to cry. After the cast was set, the pain wasn't gone yet, I saw the damage you imprinted. A black eye, your handprint on my neck, the image so graphic I couldn't recognize myself yet. I couldn't move for days, the time in the ICU, a haze, looking at the crime scene of my body. A week later, once I'm home, I lock the door, demand to be alone. I let the water burn, trying to scrub all of you off of me, but your hands are forever imprinted on me and the drain won't let your thick touch pass through. I hear the officer saying, men can't control it, they need sex, I punched the mirror, broken, upset. Because what you did to me was about violence, not sex. They burned in my brain that you were perfectly sane, that I shouldn't have taken a drink, that what I was wearing caused you not to think. Not once did an authority say I wasn't to blame, even when they saw me, just a child, in so much pain. Why couldn't you stop? You know how hard I fought. I had bruises on my fists from all the punches and the hits. Wasn't I at the disadvantage? Half your size, drugged with glazed over eyes, you saw, I tried, but I couldn't fight off someone your size. You told me I wanted it, you said "Say you want it, then I'll stop". You made me say I wanted it, you made it seem consensual. When I told the officer, he told it was all my fault, it wasn't assault, because of three lying words, 'I want this'. Wasn't it obvious that I didn't? You had to squeeze my neck and wrists so tight that your fingertips remained for days. I still hear the officer saying 'It was consensual sex', implying that there is such a thing as non-consensual sex, but there's not, that's rape. You did not have sex with a 13 year old, you raped a 13 year old. You took innocence away from a stranger. You made it so that the simplest of things become a time of hate, showers showing the scars you left that add salt to an open wound in my mind when I see them. It feels like I am outside in a hurricane, just trying to live through what you did. Are these tears I've cried, or just the rain? I want to say that I'm not insane, but lately I can't trust my brain, because no matter what I do, I just can't let it go. Maybe I'm the things preached, a slut, responsible, maybe I shouldn't have taken that drink, maybe I shouldn't have been alone, maybe should have stayed home, but I'll never be you. I may be at wrong too, but I'm not a rapist like you.
ashes04 profile picture
Sexual Assault, was it all his fault?
Trauma Support / by ashes04
Last post
 February 27th, 2018
...See more just a potential TW for you lovely people, be brave, xx *** I keep so, so much pain inside myself. The memory of a stranger making my body a crime scene. I grasp my anger and loneliness and hold it, and it's changed me. I don't recognize myself as the person I was before. And despite the constant reminders from the support person in my life Mr B, that it in fact, was NOT my fault, I still feel like it is. Because if I had not gone on a bike ride alone, if I had not taken a sports drink from a stranger, maybe just one more NO, maybe it wouldn't have happened. Maybe it wasn't all his fault, maybe I'm to blame as well. So months came, and months went, of flashbacks, guilt, progress, and regress. I feel so exhausted, tired, sad, like I'm suffocating. I miss myself, I miss smiling, I miss being happy. I miss the days where suicide was never a state of mind. But, for anyone else that's dealing with this or anything similar, please remember. "You still smile, you still laugh, you still see gold in the dust. You still have a heart in there, so keep being brave. It's not your fault"-my teacher Mr B comment if you can, if you need support I'm here xx
ashes04 profile picture
Revisiting my Rape
Trauma Support / by ashes04
Last post
 February 22nd, 2018
...See more So, if you have read some of my more recent posts, you'll know that I've been debating over the decision of looking at some of the things I assosiate with the day, days leading to, days following, and my rape. Today, I woke up, and have a bit of a spur of the moment confidence- I took the box from the back of my closet and shoved it into my soccer bag, before heading outside on my way to school. I kept stealing glances at it all day- until 2 PM, when I showed up to my teachers room (Mr B, for all the fans xx), and set it on his table. He sat across from me, and helped me survive the process, from the flannel I wore on my way home from the hospital, to the note from my friend she wrote after my assault, to the blood coated letter from my best friend overseas. Yes, I cried, but I did it. I showed it all to him, he touched my shoulder as he saw the pain and bruises a man left upon my frail figure. I hugged him, for a solid minute at the very least, and he stayed with me, until I was okay. Before he had to leave, he wrote "YOU ARE A SURVIVOR" in Sharpie across my self harm scars from the night following my assault. Yes, tears were shed, yes, it hurt and is still hurting, but yes, I did it. Perhaps a small step, but regardless, I think it's in a good direction.
ashes04 profile picture
Rapist, this is for you
Trauma Support / by ashes04
Last post
 February 12th, 2018
...See more *heya, 13 yo survivor here, I'm going to be speaking about my rape, so please know there is a trigger warning. much love* I wish in a way, that you had stayed Maybe just a bit longer, until I woke up from the drugs Because if you had stayed you'd be in jail ever since that day But you didn't, you just ran away I remember waking up for the first time after you slammed my back against the tree After the deed was complete, and you were no longer next to me I felt the pain running through my legs and in my core I couldn't move, you made my body sore. Before I passed out once again I broke through the ziptie with a spare pen When I woke up next, my phone was ringing It was my best friend, they reported me missing. I hung up and called 911 And I dragged myself up the hill, too weak, leaving my button up undone I had lost the most of my will to live by the time the rape kit was done They drove me home, where I stayed alone For a month of darkness and sleeping too much Then, two hundred forty three days later, a letter on my door The photographs they took, all the bruises and the sores I panicked, threw them on the floor My fist left a bloodstain on the door To my rapist, what was this for? Because although my body has healed, my heart is still sore (comment thoughts..)
ashes04 profile picture
Poetry from A PTSD Mind
Trauma Support / by ashes04
Last post
 February 8th, 2018
...See more AUTHORS NOTE-- I am a 13 year old survivor. this poem kinda brings out the loss my assaliant has caused me, but the love and support I've found in my teacher, even after what happened to me. *possible trigger warning* Ever since a perspiring day in June, I became unable to see fascination Because the once breathtaking summer days in the woods all at once became the scene of terror Where a strangers hands destroyed the trust I had in that land Where it destroyed the trust I have for man Even hours, days, and weeks away The memory has never failed to stay As it causes me to turn and run away from noise and touch Even from the man I love so much I look up towards this father figure But no matter what I do my assaliant begs to differ Tells me that what he did doesn't differ And that every man I meet will make my mind stiffer But to my assaliant, as what you did stabs through my mind Wrapped in a healers arm, is where I will find Comfort Safety Love Warmth Perhaps you took away so much beauty from me Perhaps you took away some trust in a man But throughout it all, he has held my hand And my story isn't over yet. It's, in fact, far from it.
ashes04 profile picture
I Need Help
Trauma Support / by ashes04
Last post
 February 8th, 2018
...See more Hey! I have a question for some other survivors- this is my first experience dealing.. I'm a rape survivor with PTSD and I am going on a school trip that will lead to me sleeping on the bus (overnight bus rides.. yay) and I get flashbacks in the form of nightmares very often, and I can't wake up without being roused (usually, I'm trapped in the flashback until my alarm goes off). Is it safe for my teacher or friends to wake me if they see I'm having a nightmare? If so, how should they do it? I'm worried that in the midst of my flashback I'll forget my surroundings and possibly view the person waking me as a threat. what are some things they can do while waking me and immediatly after I wake up to help? thanks xxxx
Search more from @ashes04
Talk to an expert therapist
Hello! My name is Melissa and I am a licensed psychologist, providing mental...
Talk to Melissa Now
Badges & Awards
18 total badges
Hand Shake Linked Quintet Chief Chat Honest Voice Reconnect First Post Reaching out Helping out Appreciated Voice Contributor Community First Compassion Bundled Teammate Group Friend Forum Friend Strong Bond I
Report an issue
Feel better with online therapy Professional, confidential and affordable. Start today
Talk to a licensed therapist Wherever you are, whenever you need support. Get matched