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beautifuldisasterx0
1 150,138 M New Horizon 2
PathStep 28 Compassion hearts5,095 Forum posts146 Forum upvotes247 Current upvotes247 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2025 Member sinceJanuary 29, 2016
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Neurodivergent Burnout
ADHD Support / by beautifuldisasterx0
Last post
 November 2nd, 2023
...See more I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2020, but it wasn't until this past year that I learned that there's a difference between burnout in neurotypical people versus neurodivergent individuals, specifically with ADHD and/or Autism.  I don't have an autism diagnosis, but I really resonate and experience many of the symptoms, I tried to do testing, and got half way through, but insurance didn't pay for my sessions, and so I didn't get to finish.  The clinician still wrote a 31 page report for me, but there wasn't enough to make a definitive diagnosis, and she said that even if we had finished the testing, she's not sure that she would have been able to make a definitive diagnosis because I have so much trauma that it's almost impossible to differentiate what symptoms may be caused by trauma or being autistic.  I know that many of the symptoms I experience have been there most of my life, since as young as I remember, but my childhood was riddled with trauma, so my brain/personality/coping didn't have a chance to develop without being in constant fight or flight.  With that in mind, I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do.  I read this article about ADHD and Autism burnout [https://neurodivergentinsights.com/mentalhealthresources/autism-and-burnout-glypb] I feel like it's the only thing that defines what I'm experiencing, but when I try to explain and express it to people/my mental health professionals, I'm just told "you're doing better than you think you are" and like yes, I'm doing better than I have in the past, but I'm also not functioning at home.   I'm struggling to get up and go to work. I'm skipping work most days, and luckily I have a job where I have such light supervision and a lot of freedom, so as long as I'm doing certain things, I can get away with not working for days at a time without anyone even noticing, but then this makes me feel guilty, and when I tell people that I'm struggling to get to work, I just get shamed even more and told that if I don't go to work and I lose my job it'll just make things worse (which is true because I have to work to keep a roof over my head and feed myself).   When I do go to work, I come home and climb back in bed almost immediately and cuddle with my dogs.  When I don't go to work I stay in bed most of the day.  Only getting out of bed to eat and go to the bathroom.   My cousin and her daughter are living with me, and my cousin works in the evening, so I'm in charge of dinner for her kid and I every night, and it's so hard for me to cook dinner.  It takes so much out of me that it feels impossible to do literally anything else.  The apartment gets so messy all of the time because I can't manage to get my laundry put away after I wash it, I can't get myself to do dishes, or clean up after myself.  My cousin usually ends up keeping up with dishes and cleaning the kitchen, so that helps some, but then I feel so much guilt and I'm afraid she's resenting me because I'm not doing more because it seems like most days I'm literally doing nothing productive aside from making dinner.  She's working 40 hours a week, at a physically demanding job with a toxic boss.  She's going through a divorce from a narcissistic husband who is trying to get custody of their 8 year old.  Her 8 year old just started therapy and is currently diagnosed with adjustment disorder, which comes with a lot of emotional and behavioral issues that we are trying to manage.  She's trying to get her daughter into health appointments, that her husband neglected to do.  She's never had an eye exam or been to the dentist, her daughter is 8 and still pees the bed, so she has to wear pull ups at night.  Like my cousin has a lot to deal with, yet she's managing to go to work every single day, even when she doesn't feel like it.  She gets out of bed to take her daughter to go to school every morning even though she doesn't get home until almost 1am.  She's taking care of the things she has to do.  And then there's me... not doing anything and feeling like I can't function.  I try to remind myself that she doesn't have DID, ADHD, Social Anxiety, Generalize Anxiety Disorder, or clinical depression.  I also try to give myself credit because I am working through my trauma and I've made so many changes in my life in the last year and have worked really hard.  But I still can't stop beating myself up for feeling like I can't function.   From article:  Research on neurodivergent burnout shows that some of the most common contributors to burnout include:⁠ * Masking ⁠ * Having social/sensory needs minimized by others due to appearing "fine" (i.e. masking)⁠ * Not having access to the appropriate level of supports & accommodations ⁠ * Executive Functioning fatigue following a number of stressors or transitions * When the overall load exceeds abilities + supports = burnout I feel like I'm ALWAYS masking when I'm around people. I don't feel like I'm allowed to be myself because when I'm myself it's too much for people.  When I talk to people about how I'm feeling it's often minimized and I'm told I just need to make myself do the things or I'm doing better than I think I am because outwardly, outside of home, I can mask enough to look high functioning.  I have virtual 0 social support and don't even know what accommodations are reasonable to ask for because it seems like no amount of accommodations would make a difference. The executive function fatigue shows with everything I do.  Anything I do like showering, laundry, cooking make me feel so exhausted, that I can't do anything else.  I also feel like I'm significantly more sensitive to sensory stimuli. My cousin's daughter is always asking if she can play a song on my google speaker, and I have to tell her no almost every day because music is overstimulating.  I don't even listen to music or audio books or podcasts in the car anymore.  I've noticed more sensitivity to light and have to turn the lights off often.  These are the suggestions from the article, and I'm doing what I can: * Attend to the sensory! Moving in ways that feel natural and good, reducing sensory load, engaging in sensory activities that are restorative⁠ * Spend time unmasked (again, masking is consistently one of the highest predictors of burnout). ⁠ * Ensure appropriate accommodations are in place (at school, work, etc.). ⁠ * Practicing good boundaries in relationships (we have fewer spoons). ⁠ * Engage in activities that are enlivening (special interests, passions, time alone, or with those whom you can safely unmask). ⁠ * Support healthy rhythms by prioritizing healthy sleep hygiene, routines, & practices. ⁠ The way I'm managing my sensory needs is avoiding over stimulation (as much as I can by not listening to music, I don't watch TV or movies anymore, I stay in bed with my dogs because the only thing that feels good in a sensory way is laying in my bed, under my blankets, with my dogs laying against me while I'm petting them).  Even sitting up feels exhausting and so uncomfortable, so I lay down a lot to avoid the discomfort.  I don't really get a chance to unmask.  I can't unmask at work and then at home I'm taking care of her 8 year old a lot, and I have so much trauma from times I've unmasked in the past that I literally cannot unmask unless i use a legal substance to relax my mind.  Again not even sure what accommodations I can ask for that are reasonable and would make a difference.  I am kind of proud of myself because last night I asked my cousin if she could clean up the potty pads when she got home from work because I couldn't get myself to do that, and I knew if I didn't change the pads before I went to sleep we'd wake up with pee all over the floor around the potty pads.  She seemed a bit annoyed that I asked her to help with that because she had a rough day at work and she just wanted to relax.  So I Just feel bad when I ask anyone to help with tasks that feel overwhelming.  I feel super isolated because I have created emotional boundaries for myself with most people, and no one messages me to see how I am, and when I message first asking how people are, they unload on me, and they rarely ask how I am, if by chance they do ask, I feel like I can't really be honest because the other person has so much going on, I don't want to unload on them, and so I've just stopped talking to people mostly because I don't have the spoons to support them.  I can't find activities that feel enlivening, everything feels overwhelming, stressful, or overstimulating.  When I do try to do things I think will be fun with my cousin and her daughter, her daughter ends up throwing fits and tantrums, complaining, and having an awful attitude, which then makes my cousin irritable and then the vibe is just awful. One time we went to minigolf, and her daughter threw herself on the ground crying throwing tantrums at every hole if she didn't get the ball in before everyone else.  Every hole, 18 of them was a constant battle with her daughter, I ended up not having fun and more overstimulated.  I don't have any friends to spend time with.  Crowds and public places with a lot of strangers completely overwhelm me between my anxiety and overstimulation from all the moving and talking, and everything and so I usually end up feeling miserable.  I went to meow wolf for my birthday and I thought it would be fun, but I ended up being overstimulated and felt like crying the entire time and felt like I was going to throw up and felt on the verge of a panic attack.  So something else I tried to have fun, but ended up making me more overstimulated/overwhelmed.  I used to like to paint, but when I think about how much I have to get out and put away when I'm done it doesn't feel worth it because when I do, I can't find inspiration and so i end up frustrated with myself and feel worse than when I tried to paint.  I used to write poetry, but I can't seem to get the words out on paper anymore.  The last few times I've tried to write poetry I ended up frustrated and defeated because I couldn't find the words to express what I wanted to express.  I like playing board games and card games, but I can't do that with my cousin's daughter because when we do she throws fits and cries when she doesn't in, and I want to work with her on learning to tolerate losing at games, but I don't have the emotional energy to do so because I'm so drained.  I did find an event in town tonight and posted in a local women's social media group to see if anyone is going that might want to meet up because I don't want to go alone.  It's a cannabis Halloween celebration, where you are actually allowed, and expected to be high, and that's the only way I can get past my social anxiety to actually talk to people, and so I think it could potentially be an option to try to meet new friends.  But I don't drive high, and it's been snowing for the past 24 hours and I don't like driving in the snow, and so I'd have to find transportation.  I am doing my best to support health, routine, hygiene and other things.  Routine has been super hard for me lately but I'm trying to make sure I'm doing at least he minimum.  I am trying to be consistent with showers, but lately my days have been so blurred together I'm going longer between showers than normal, I do put on clean clothes every day, I am making sure I eat, not always the most healthy of choices, but I have a lot of food and sensory issues, and so I'm just eating safe foods to avoid additional stress right now.  I'd like to get to a point where I have the emotional energy to expend on challenging myself to try new/aversive foods so that I can be more heatlhy, I've increased my water intake.  I know i need to exercise more, but I can't seem to get myself out of bed most of the time, and when I do get up and do things, especially walking for extended periods of time, I end up having a lot of physical pain.  So it feels like it's lose lose for me.   I know something needs to change and I know I need support, but I don't see anyway for things to change and I can't take a break.  There are 3 of us and 3 animals in a one bedroom apartment and there's just not enough space.  We've been talking about getting a storage unit to try to store some things until we can get a bigger space, but we don't even have space for a couch.  My bed is in the living room because my King sized bed doesn't fit in the bedroom and so all of my belongings are in the living room, and so when the shared space becomes a mess, I don't have anywhere to go to not get overwhelmed by the mess.  I have my mental health support, and that's going okay, but the only thing I can really see making a difference is more social support, but I don't know how to do that because all of my efforts haven't seemed to make a difference.  I am still trying, as shown in my willingness to see if anyone wants to go to the halloween event, but so far no response.    I don't know what to do.  
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I don't know what I'm experiencing (DID, ADHD, CPTSD
Trauma Support / by beautifuldisasterx0
Last post
 August 18th, 2023
...See more I'm experiencing something strange. I am diagnosed with DID. At one point I had identified 17 distinct alters I could communicate with. Now I really am only able to feel/notice/interact with less than 10 of them. I'm not sure if this is a sign of me healing and those alters have "integrated" to be more part of the whole or if it is me becoming more dissociated and unable to connect internally. Additionally, I'm not sure if I'm healing or if I'm experiencing a new alter that is emerging in the midst of some Chaos. Good news is if a new alter is emerging she's really focused and attentive to detail and structured, she's helping with work and keeping the apartment clean and my self care. Or maybe it's that all these good things that I'm doing are just me finally taking care of myself... but how does a habit that I had given up on years ago basically formed over night. Like I feel like a completely different person but I also feel very level headed and aware... Thoughts. Healing or experiencing a new alter?
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So isolated with DID
Trauma Support / by beautifuldisasterx0
Last post
 April 26th, 2023
...See more I have DID and I feel so isolated from others. My system wants someone that knows us, all of us and is okay with all of us. We don't want to have to pretend that we're not a system. We're tired of putting on a mask and making it seem like the host is always fronting. It's exhausting. Help.
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Crippling Anxiety taking over my life.
Anxiety Support / by beautifuldisasterx0
Last post
 May 21st, 2023
...See more I feel so anxious all of the time. It feels like anxiety is taking over my life. It's starting to feel like there's nothing that doesn't make me anxious anymore. I feel a constant state of anxiety. Such intense anxiety that it leads to panic attacks and dissociation. Usually I end up dissociating so that I can avoid the panic attacks, but it's just so draining being anxious all of the time. It prevents me from having a fulfilling life. I think most of my anxiety is related to my PTSD, but the feeling of anxiety all of the time is just getting completely unbearable and my medications don't seem to be making much of a difference. I just want to be normal. Anxiety is so draining and feeling so drained makes it so much harder to combat my anxiety. I don't know what to do anymore.
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Poem: What if I Self Destruct?--a conversation among alters
Trauma Support / by beautifuldisasterx0
Last post
 March 13th, 2023
...See more What if we self-destruct? What if we don’t? What if we self-destruct? Why would we want to? What if we self destruct…? Self-destruction doesn’t serve us All it does is start a storm A storm that brings irreparable damage Self-destruction doesn’t serve us, It only makes things worse. What if we self-destruct? What if we don’t? What if we self-destruct? Why would we want to? What if we self destruct…? What if we don’t? If we don’t self-destruct We’ll die of boredom, Not boredom, but what’s the pont? No adrenaline, no fun, Fun isn’t the word, More like, what’s the point If we aren’t fighting to survive? What if we self-destruct? What if we don’t? What if we self-destruct? Why would we want to? What if we self destruct…? Hear me out, I hear you both Self-destruction leads to chaos, Chaos leads to adrenaline Making life more exciting and unpredictable But have you considered That survival isn’t all there is to life? In survival you don’t see the beauty, What life can truly be. What if I self destruct? But what if you don’t? What if I self destruct Why would you want that? What if I self destruct? What if you don’t? If I don’t self destruct Life will destroy me Isn’t it better to be my own demise? At least then I’d feel in control. What if I self destruct? What if you don’t? What if I self destruct? Why would you want that? What if I self destruct? Maybe life will blossom Hasn’t it already? Look at you now, compared to a year ago. You have many things you never thought you could have You are building stability, You’ve never coped this well Don’t you see a future better than your past? My standards for life are low I wish i could see a future Like the one you paint All i can see is smoke and fire Bombs everywhere, Life is a warzone, What’s the point? What if I self destruct? What if you don’t?... What if I self destruct? Why would you want to? Did you notice the twist?
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Triggered Little
Trauma Support / by beautifuldisasterx0
Last post
 March 6th, 2023
...See more I'm sure this will resonate with some, but the little alters in my system being sad are the hardest to cope with. It makes my entire system a little on edge and feeling a need to protect the little. Our system has a little that says "I want a mommy" a lot and we've finally gotten to a point that the little is more easily soothed when she's having those really challenging longings for a mother figure. My therapist use to tell me it was my job to help her feel safe and to find an internal mother figure of the little and I got so much push back from the little "I want a REAL mommy" type stuff. Today I had a little that was watching a video on social media. In the video it was a little girls being told by her foster family that she was being adopted and the girl was so happy. The video made me bawl because I have a little that wishes we would have been adopted when we were young. When I was 7 my siblings got put in foster home and got adopted by their family, but an aunt took me for temporary and gave me back to my parents a couple of years later. The type of abuse that got my siblings taken from the home started happening again, but no one saved me. So my siblings got adopted by their families and got to have a safe more comfortable life and I got more trauma, and so there's a part that really wishes I would have been adopted too so that I could have a chance at life like they got. My brother is 3 years younger than me and has his PhD working as a physical therapist, with almost all of his loans paid off. His parents paid almost all of his undergrad. My other brother got a hand me down house from his family. His family also helped him pay for college to get his certification in HVAC. My sister is the youngest, she inherited a house from her family. She has two gorgeous kiddos, a great husband and great family. Then there's me, the oldest with nothing but debt and trauma that I can't seem to escape. Single afraid of affection from others. I've been homeless. I do have my college degree, but I still have almost $100K in debt because no one helped me pay for college. I have dreams of going to graduate school to be a trauma art therapist, but I don't know how to make that happen because I'm so damaged and so broken, and then also how the heck am I going to pay for it. I'm just feeling really sad. And not sure how to help my little who wishes we'd been adopted feel better.
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ADHD Burnout
ADHD Support / by beautifuldisasterx0
Last post
 March 9th, 2023
...See more I'm feeling so burnt out, but it feels beyond burnt out. I'm trying to do things I normally enjoy but everything feels like a chore because I have no energy to do anything. I think I may also have autism, I'm on a waitlist for testing. My brain feels broken. I can't seem to do anything productive. I'm in my office at work sitting in a corner rocking back and forth most of the day. I feel overwhelmed, over stimulated and tired, but no amount of sleep seems to be helping. I don't really know what to do. I want to take a day off work, but I can't financially afford to at the moment, my apartment is already a mess which doesn't help the overstimulation but I can't clean because I have no energy.
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Sad
Trauma Support / by beautifuldisasterx0
Last post
 February 9th, 2023
...See more I feel sad. A lot of sad. A lot of the time. And most of time host is good at being an adult but right now no want to be an adult and and we don’t know how to feel okay.
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