beefbulgogiii Member Profile

...See more god im so done. so i had a friend, lets call him J. we would talk so much, i love him, i thought he loved me. we would send messages to each other pretty much all day every day and it was just such an amazing time. so everything was fine and all until he started getting a little dry. i just figured it was bc of school. i dont have a life lmao so i would just be checking our messages all the time and scrolling through the old ones. then it started getting way worse. J would be excessively dry or just not even open the messages i sent. i felt HORRIBLE i thought i did something wrong and i starting cutting for the first time IN MY LIFE. it faded immediately since it was just teeny cuts but then. THEN there was the turning point. he would ignore my entire existence for days or weeks at a time and that made me cut his name in my stomach. then he started ignoring me again, nothing new. but then the days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into twenty-five whole days. twenty-five days of him acting as if i dont exist. twenty-five days of me cutting, everyday. i would bleed for him. i would cry for him. and then today, well, happened. i decided to finally message him about it since it shows that hes barely read the messages. so i said that we hadnt talked in a while and asked him if i did something. and NOW he decides he wants to talk? he said “what, nonono its just that im at school all the time and dont get to respond.” this just made me so upset i was on the verge of crying. how can you be at school for 25 days straight that you cant even open and read the messages? i didnt want to make him feel bad so i just said sorry and that its fine. to that he said “lmao no need to overthink, i could never be mad at you. you should try and download ____, ill message you more there.” he KNOWS my parents dont let me do anything at all and they’re absolute control freaks even thought im pretty old. i feel like this just sounds so DISHONEST. especially the ‘i could never be mad at you’ part. it just sound to me like he just wants to get the conversation over with. it doesnt even sound like he WANTS to talk to me. and hes not even acting like himself. im just so done so i was just dry to him like he was to me. and he tried to start a conversation with me. no. hes too late. he had. twenty. five. days. if he had just messaged me in those days everything would be fine and i would just… love him still. but right now hes making me hate myself so much. im not interested anymore. and yet im still too scared to delete all the screenshots of his messages. i feel so stupid for thinking he actually loved me those two years. he was my only source of self worth. he made me feel wanted and appreciated for once. but now i just hate myself. i was stupid enough to think he would message me eventually. i was stupid enough to think he was grounded. i was stupid enough to think he wouldnt abandon me. he makes me HATE myself. i wish i could fall asleep and never wake up. ever. im just so done but at the same time, i loved him. i still do. but i know this is the end of everything already. its over. i dont know what to do. even if i did try to tal to him, what would i say? “hey you made me cry and i cut your name in my stomach and wrist multiple times haha.” i just dont know what to do. part of me hates him but i still love him. i still feel like hes my best friend. i doubt he would even care that much if i told him all this anyways.i just dont want to be a burden or a bother anymore. especially if he doesnt even seem interested. but guess who wont let me leave him in peace? my attachment issues! i miss when we would talk. i miss when he loved me. i just dont know what to do i want him “back.” i just want somebody to actually like me for once. this was really long and i should shut up now

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