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bellaluna47
1 138 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2021 Member sinceAugust 19, 2021
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Need to finally share the whole story
Trauma Support / by bellaluna47
Last post
 August 20th, 2021
...See more I learned at a young age that my mom was raped and was always nervous around guys, even teachers and family members. I was 15 when I consensually lost my virginity and I kind of left my body during the experience idk if it was an anxiety attack or what. I was very depressed at the time and thought I was in love, too young to know lol. After this boy broke up with me, I went on a date with an 18yo boy and agreed to car sex. It began hurting and I told him to stop and he lubricated me then kept going. I didn’t say anything else or try to stop him but was crying the whole time. Wasn’t technically rape or anything but very traumatic for me. I was so young at the time that this made me think all I was good for for guys is sex. I saw the guy again one more time until he blocked me. Soon after, a classmate’s 23yo sibling (i’m still 15) offered to buy me cigarettes in exchange for oral. I agreed and did so. He drove me home, I got out of the car and then saw that he did too. He followed me into my house which made me uncomfortable. He had me take him to my bedroom and we had sex. I didn’t say no because I was scared. He was a big guy and I was still very small, had just started puberty. I also ended up seeing this guy two more times. I know neither of those situations were rape and I put myself in the situations, but it was all really upsetting for me and makes sex difficult for me now. I began crying during sex once with an ex and he was upset that I didn’t really have an answer for what was wrong. He didn’t do anything wrong. But his response was “this isn’t going to work out if you’re going to do this.” I broke up with him and went on sort of a “sex spree.” I’m a somewhat religious person and this is something I don’t consider to be within my morals and lifestyle. (no judgement upon anyone else of course, just not for me.) I had sex with six different guys within a month. I regretted all of them so much. In the moment of each I didn’t even feel excited or know why I was doing it. I didn’t really want to, yet I was the one who started it. I told my current boyfriend (that I love and plan to move in with) that I was raped because I feel like he wouldn’t understand if I didn’t say that. I feel really guilty about this. I lied about the number of people in my sexual past, and I feel bad about this as well. I hate lying to him. I just feel stuck.
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