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billieland71
1 21 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts1 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2016 Member sinceNovember 25, 2014
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One more day
Depression Support / by billieland71
Last post
 November 25th, 2014
...See more Hello, I am new here but definitely not new to depression. I have struggled with depression since my mid teen years, I'm now 40ish. I tried several types of medications in the early years. Some worked for short periods of time but always ended in a major crash or I ended up taking the max dose with no relief of symptoms. I have been completely off medications for roughly 8 yrs now. I have had 5 unsuccessfull suicide attempts, all were while on medication.  My depression is accompanied by anxiety and insomnia, Im not sure if the depression is the cause of this or if the anxiety and insomnia cause the depression. I have had all 3 ever since I can remember.  Although I am not suicidal at the moment, I do want to die. That may not make sense to everyone else but it does to me.  I am at the point of my depression that I can't honestly remember the last time I felt an emotion( happy or sad) for longer than just a few seconds. Most days the only reason I get out of bed is because it hurts my back to badly to lay there. I avoid going out of my house unless I absolutely have to.     Dealing with depression for as long as I have I feel like I am lost in the void. I am lost amongst the voices inside my head. My thoughts race from one thing to another in a blink of an eye. I have several different voices inside sometimes the only way to drown them out is to listen to something very loudly on headphones. The only real peace I get is when I am asleep.   I dont really have anyone left in my life that I feel I can confide in about my feelings. I feel like if they truely knew what was going thru my mind they wouldnt want to be around me or talk to me anymore so I just keep it all inside. Or put on a happy front so they dont see how troubled I really am.   I didnt really have a question or a problem when I started this post, I just felt this might be a good place to share some of my story and maybe there is someone else out there as messed up in the head as I am and could or would take some comfort in knowing we arent alone in the darkness.  
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