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blissedNblessed
257,651 M Seeking Peace 4
PathStep 7,375 Compassion hearts11,081 Forum posts3,663 Forum upvotes4,119 Current upvotes4,119 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2024 Member sinceOctober 28, 2016
Bio

Hi! You can call me blissedNblessed for I am both - as we all are. Yup - we all have struggles and they are all real...but that doesn't take away all the good we have in our lives and all the good we can still achieve.

I have bipolar disorder , anxiety, recovering from self harm as well as recovery for an eating disorder and am working on overcoming and healing from trauma. I have a vast array of coping skills and new methods of making my way in this world and my own inner world which are far better than the maladaptive ones I a now replacing. I make it a point to notice pattern in my life which do not serve me and replace them with something that is more beneficial to my highest good.I have been through many suicidal ideations and yes, attempts. But I am STILL here and I have a purpose for being here <3 And guess what? YOU DO TOO! <3

Yes, I Struggle. But I do not let that blind me to what good there still is in the world, my life and fighting for what could be. I still have that " spark" in me that can not and will not be extinguished..and we all have that, somewhere, even if it is hard to see or feel sometimes.

Random things about me:
I am an empath, energy worker, very spiritual ( not religious), I meditate daily, love to explore new ideas and places, feel grounded in nature, love a pampering face mask or bubble bath and love music ( especially live) of all genres . I write poetry and prose and I am on a quest to not only survive my life, but to thrive!

Recent forum posts
Relapse has Become Active SH Again
Self-Harm Recovery / by blissedNblessed
Last post
January 28th, 2022
...See more I have been SHing since I was about eight years old. This is a basically a life long pattern for me. Towards the end of my SHing days, about 6 years ago, it was so out of control and I needed to stop , for my sanity and health. And I did. For 5 years. 5 whole years ( that's huge for me). ...but then, I started having to deal and face my past abuse and I relapsed because nothing could take THAT pain away. I reverted right back to my old coping that I worked so hard to get rid of. But just once. Then, that " just once" became again...and again...and again. At this point, I can not, with all honesty, say I am not actively SHing. And in a strange way - to throw this honesty out there - I am not all that upset with myself for doing it again...and that SCARES me. The fact that my scars give me satisfaction - that scares me. I always end the SH with, this is the last time - but what a joke, it is never the " last time". I have forgotten all the reasons I wanted to stop SH, forgotten all the coping skills I utilized to stop. And I don't really know if I truly Want to stop. Because it helps. That's just facts - it helps. But at the same time, more than wanting to SH in order to cope with the emotions and pain ( and self hate and self blame), I want to to get rid of the pain itself. And I Know, SHing Does NOT do that. It's just...the closest thing to it that I have so I just settle for that. I have a dr appointment coming up that I have been putting off because it is a blood test and they Will see the scars- I hate that shame when another person looks at them. I feel I have to explain then away and laugh - knowing full well neither of us believe the pale excuses that fall from my lips. And the look - that look of disgust and pity - how I HATE that look. Is anyone in this situation right now? Or has been and has been able to get themselves back? Back to not SHing, being SH free? I would appreciate any support or sharing if you relate and any coping skills that worked for you in this situation...or even How you got yourself back to being SH free. Or anything else you would like to share. It is much needed and much appreciated. Thanks in advance :) - Blissed ❤️
A Letter to my Mother
Trauma Support / by blissedNblessed
Last post
January 17th, 2022
...See more A letter to my mother – Thank you so much for instilling in me such virtues and gifts of having a passion for life, celebrating Everything ( including life itself), teaching me kindness and compassion for others. Thank you for cultivating my gifts and talents and cheering me on to use them. I am a better person because you were my mother and I love you. You put yourself second and always put me first. I went through emotional hell as a child and I was so needy. This was not your fault – you did not know everything that was going on. You tried to get me to open up – to tell you, but I just could not. I am sorry for being so needy that you felt you had to put yourself second. You deserved to put yourself first too because you were a beautiful soul. You always deserved to be first. And I am sorry I ate up so much of your time and energy. I am sorry for all the times I lashed out at you for being sick – or lashed out at you for the pain that others caused me instead of just telling you…but I felt you were so safe – you would never abandon me – and it is easier to lash out on the ones we feel are safe. That was wrong of me and I apologize. I wish I could still talk to you. Sometimes in the sanctuary of my mind, I can. In the stillness of my heart, I can feel you. Thank you for STILL being here for me in the only way you can now. And I am sorry that I am STILL so needy for you. But you were the only one that ever did or could love me unconditionally and the only one that ever will. I have learned the meaning of truly loving, unconditionally, from you. Thank you for this gift. But I am angry too mom, angry and scared. Angry and full of rage. You left me mom. You left me and there was no one to be there for me or to support me emotionally. You left me when I still needed you. You left me with no one to love me. I was Alone. I still remember as a child, this hiss, hiss, puff. Hiss hiss puff of your oxygen machine. That will forever be ingrained into my mind. I hated it so much. It kept me up all night. Listening to such sad and maddening noises. I was just a child mom, just a child yet I sat by your door, silent and frozen so you would not know I was at your bedroom door. I sat there in the dark for hours listening carefully to make sure you were still breathing. Terrified to hop into bed with you for comfort because I did not want to break you further. I did not want to hear the hiss hiss puff of the machines….machines my nightmares were made of. And I am angry mom, I am so angry at you. You created such phobias and fears in me – fears I still, to this day, carry with me. Every time I hear or see an ambulance I used to fear it was for you. Now that you are gone, I cringe at the sound of a siren, flooding back a million memories. I know being sick was not your fault, I know that – but you left me mom – you left me when I needed you the most. And I am angry, angry and relieved. Angry you left, thought I know it is not your fault. Relieved you are no longer in pain and also relieved that I no longer have to use every part of me worrying about you. And I feel guilty about that. And I hate myself for feeling like that. I feel like an awful and bad person. But it is how I feel. The week you passed away, the first things I did was to throw out all your medicine, your cane, your machine, everything that was a reminder of your illnesses. I threw it out for my own freedom of mind – my own relief – but also to honor you. You are now in a place where your body does not fail or wage war against yourself. You were free from all the pain. But you know what? I am not. I am nowhere near free from the pain. You are free and I am left with guilt and pain. That is not fair mom. And I am angry for it. Right after your death did you know what I did? I started a crazy diet so I would not die and be sick like you. I dieted my way to X pounds – near death myself. But at least it would be My death and not yours. I never want to live and die in the pain you endured. I still carry your pain. I still carry my pain. None of this has gone away. Even after your death and freedom. I am sorry I was so angry after your death that I went into your room and tore everything part – broke everything into pieces. I regret that so much – but I had nowhere to express this and no one to talk to. Did you know that your sister blamed me for your death? Did you know how mean she was and still can be? Did you know that your other sister disowned me? Did you know, as a child, the things that happened to me…I know you knew…but I refused to tell the truth….I was afraid - I was conditioned. I could not tell you out of fear you would blame me and hate me. Blame me and hate me – his words. You saw so much, so many clues. You asked me – I covered up and lied, lied like I was supposed to. But you new. Why did you not do something? Why did you not save me and take me away? I know, as an adult, that you kept me from being there but I was always sent back….but why would you make me still talk to him? Still be around family celebrations? That is not family. But since I know what happened to me I know something horrible also happened in your family. I am so sorry for any pain You had to endure. And you know what? You broke the cycle. You reacted in a different way – you ended the cycle. But mom, you knew so much. Why did you believe a small child’s lies? Why did you not save me? I grew up believing I was not worthy of saving and I deserved everything. I am not blaming you, I am trying to understand. So many things, so many times, so many people you let hurt me. Did you know that when you sent me to my his house to be punished because you could not handle me – do you know what I endured? The blind rage – the hate, the abuse, both emotional and physical? Do you know the lies I had to say, prompted by my him – to keep everything a secret so that he would not be taken away and I would never see him again – did you know the blame that I took on – yet still, when I was “bad” at home with you – you shopped me to his house…even telling me that he doesn’t love me and will not take care of me. You do not tell that to a child. It was true – but wait until I have grown to discuss that with me…but I guess you could not because you were not around when I was grown. I am sorry I did not visit you in the hospital more, the many, many near constant tips? Did you know most of my childhood anxiety came from you and your sickness? I know you cared for me and taught me to meditate for anxiety, and lovingly packed paper bags into my backpack for when I hyperventilated out of panic. I know even though you were sick you always tried to make life enjoyable for me. But it was not…how could it be? No, I take that back – I have many, many fond memories…but they seem overshadowed by you are your constant sickness. Did you know I prepared for your death? Yes, how sick is that? But I learned that no amount of preparation could prepare me when you left. Nothing. It sucked the life out of me. And I am so sorry that the fears and pains overshadow all the wonderful times we had together. I am sure that once I process and grieve – I will be able to remember and take stock in the good times but right now there is pain. Pain and anger. Hiss hiss puff of the machine. Bored into my brain. I can never get that out. Never. And to this day I fear my body will fail like yours, I will die like you and be sick like you. I have the oddest fears and phobias now and no, my anxiety has not stopped. Did you know it was not until high school that I could call a hospital a hospital and not the ” H word”? Do you know the damage that was done??? I know that being sick was NOT your fault and if you had a choice, you would not have chosen that. I forgive you for being sick. I forgive you for leaving – for that was not your choice. I forgive you for not stopping things that should have been stopped and I even forgive you for believing my lies that everything was okay. And I forgive you for instilling such fear into my very core that the slightest notion of something wrong with my body causes such anxiety that it is hard to function and fears of you flood back. It was crippling thought childhood, and still, as an adult, I battle them. I love you mom. Nothing can take that away. I just wish I was nicer and more compassionate towards you during your life the way you taught me to treat others. Your last words to me, which I remember in detail, were: “I am sorry I have nothing to give to you”. You were wrong mom! So very wrong. And I tried to tell you but you were too far gone, on your way out to some better place far of this pain, which you could not comprehend what I was saying. You taught me mom, to show love, compassion and kindness to everyone I meet. To never turn my back on someone hurting and if I am in a position to help, I must because THAT is why I am here. It’s my DUTY to help others in need. That is something I cherish about myself that I learned directly because of you. I did not want money, or property, or a home – I wanted you to know all the wonderful gifts you have given me that made me who I am today and I am damn proud of who I am. I am a better person because you were my mother. And I thank you for that. And I thank you for giving me so much more than you ever knew. And I am sorry that even though you died in my presence, I did not ease your fear or pain, I did not hold your hand. I HATE myself for that. Hate. All I could do was, in my mind, tell you that it was okay to move on….I just hope to god with everything I am and have, that you could hear or feel my REAL thoughts – the sad, longing, painful thoughts that wanted to me cry out to you, to run to your bed and hold you. To comfort you. To tell you how much you were and are and always will be loved. I am sorry mom. I am angry mom. I am damaged mom. But I forgive you mom.
Body Memories/flashbacks
Trauma Support / by blissedNblessed
Last post
January 18th, 2022
...See more I went back and forth if I should post this topic. For me, it is drenched with SHAME and it is TERRIFYING and embarrassing. I am going to quote here, what body memories are because they can say it better than I can: "... Body memories can be described as a physical reexperiencing of the traumatic event(s). In other words, your nervous system and your body experience the feelings and sensations you experienced during the original traumatic event. These memories may be explicit (you have always remembered them) or implicit (not connected to a linear story line). Implicit memories can happen for any traumatic event and may be particularly common if you were under the influence of alcohol or drugs, were a child during the abuse, or if the abuse happened over a prolonged period of time."( https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/body-memories-grounding-in-sexual-trauma-therapy-0329175) Does anyone else experience this? What have you found that works for you to ground yourself? In my experience, these body memories or flashbacks do not lessen with grounding - though there is so much evidence that it can. I just have not been able to. And even if I do ground myself - I still FEEL it. And then the shame and fear rolls over me like deep waves and I just cant get out of it. I know this is deeply personal and there are so many intense emotions attached to this which makes it so hard to talk about. I thought that maybe, I could step out of my shame and bring this up.
Rantings and Revelations ~ TW
Trauma Support / by blissedNblessed
Last post
July 2nd, 2022
...See more This is going to be my space where I can vent and rant and put a voice knew understandings. A place where I smear my secrets on canvas so I gain better perspective…or just have a place to go when I can’t go anywhere else, and my brain and memories are haunting me. …TW: Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Self – Harm, Eating Disorders, Sexual Assault...
my words have no meaning and my boundaries are pointless - just processing TW: emotions related to sexual abuse( for me)
Trauma Support / by blissedNblessed
Last post
January 9th, 2022
...See more I feel like setting boundaries is a pointless task because no one really respects them. I have very toxic family and even as an adult, no one respects my personal boundaries or my personal space. And my words are so meaningless...doesn't matter what I want or say. Maybe that is why I can not speak out loud with my words ( quite literally) to tell my therapist about my sexual abuse history - I can talk about other types of my traumas - but not This one. I was wondering why this is happening and I realized: While I was getting hurt, and even after... i felt helpless, hopeless, terrified, trapped. I just wanted to endure so I could escape and try to be safe. And my words didn't matter. "NO" had ( and I am seeing a trend of is continuing to have no meaning) absolutely no power to stop or change anything. And if this feeling...FEELING that I am always a victim is created because again, no doesn't mean anything and my words are as powerless as my boundaries to keep me safe. So then at This point, am I not just doing a self fulfilling prophecy and re-victimizing myself by just giving up and letting whatever happens happens? Or is my messed up trauma downing self just not knowing how to keep me safe? Or is it that it is so damn ingrained in my core being that my words are meaningless and boundaries are powerless that this just is my reality ( for now?). I am so confused but this I know: What happened to me in the past was not my fault. And the changes that it and I created in myself in response to that is not my fault. But, now that I am seeing how this effects my being, life, communication, sense of self, victimization and re-traumatizing...This is ever so my responsibility to start to seek healing and peace , even if it is hard and vulnerable and scary and painful. Even if my words have no power - i need to use my words out loud to explain what happened so I can start to grieve and let go and heal. And i do not want to be somebody stuck in the hell of healing these traumas, that makes the trauma - the nasty shameful disgusting and soul crushing trauma - the main focus point of my identity. And I do not want to be a survivor of sexual abuse, that is the same thing: FOR ME ( no judgements for anyone who wants to be called survivor - i know that can be so very empowering). I feel if I called Myself a survivor - that hateful trauma is still core to my identity. I just want to THRIVE <3 . ....But I just do not know what to do or even understand what I need to do in order to have my words mean something, my no mean no and my boundaries respected. And I would really love to finally have personal space and boundaries not rejected. I am honestly not sure why I am even Posting this - I am sorry if it makes no sense or if it is misunderstood. I guess I needed a place to write out these confusing thoughts and try to figure them out - Side note: I am not in danger or anything now , im safe just not emotionally safe all the time. Physically I am safe because I , ready for this? Purposely and consciously stopped trying to look nice, gained weight and no longer even one makeup or hair products. I wear all black - nothing special . I used to have style, look attractive - but i was not able to deal with the triggers of attention directed at me and i would just freeze when it came to intimate things ( endure and wait to escape - constant residue from the past). So yes, my ugly and fat self is safe , physically. i just had to ruin my life to do it.
First post - need help knowing how to use out loud words to tell someone about past abuse
Trauma Support / by blissedNblessed
Last post
December 23rd, 2021
...See more This is my first post. I am kind of scared to write this and to have others read it - or have no one read this and pass this right up like it never existed in the first place. My childhood traumas, sexual abuse traumas particularly, have haunted me my whole life - I always Knew what happened ( some of it, more as the years go on - the story unfolds in flashbacks, emotional flashbacks and just having the " blinders" come off and i no longer believe the narrative I created to keep me from fully grasping what happened. But as I get older , the ways in which the abuse morphed who i am and created this scared person who hates herself and blames herself and just quite cant seem to thrive at all - become so much more apparent. I can not fully trust people, i am terrified of a relationship bc i am terrified of being imitate ( it's a flood of emotional flashbacks, fear and panic and feeling trapped and I just freeze and endure it and wait to escape), i have given up finding love or even anyone that will love me, i am always alone ( i always feel alone even though people are around me - i just can not seem to connect), i just FEEL that i am never going to be okay and always feel so dang helpless. I end up disassociating all the time just to survive life. I want something better for myself. I want the person I was born to be and the authentic life I could have had if this didn't all happen to me. I want to end the war I have WAGED on myself my Entire life. I want to not carry so much fear and sorrow with me wherever I go. I want to be free. Not a victim, not a survivor - i want to thrive! And I finally got a therapist. and she is safe and kind and gentle. And I cannot Talk to her. And it is not her - I can not use my words to tell her what happened to me so I can begin to process and heal. I can use my words - i know i am doing it now. I mean, I cannot use my Out Loud words - I can not say, with words using my voice, what happened to me. I can't even tell her Who are the ones that hurt me - so much shame surrounding all of this, and so much fear. I am so sacred that here I am at a crossroads and I have this amazing opportunity and i fear because i cant actually speak out loud to tell her - or anyone, I will never get help and I will harbor all of this pain in my heart and soul forever; that I will never thrive. So I pose a question and I could REALLY use your help - whomever is reading this, if anyone is reading this: QUESTION: How do you use your Out Loud words- your voice, to talk about things you kept secret because you had to? How do you start? I literally lose my ability to speak ( about this stuff ) out loud before i can even get it out. How did you start? Did anyone have this trouble I am talking about? How do you actually get these disgusting words out? I appreciate any insights or personal stories that you can share that would help. And if no one reads this or responds - at least I had a safe place to get this out here .
Wandering Poet Girl ( poem)
Poetry / by blissedNblessed
Last post
December 7th, 2021
...See more Wandering Poet Girl She wanders streets, twisted and cold Shouting poetry into isolated corners Breathing life and beauty To where dead things once were Wandering Poet Girl She purrs poetry into her soul From her lips Like honey from a spoon Wandering Poet Girl Ever so lost Ever so lonely Wondering if her words are good enough to hear, to be. Wandering Poet Girl Needs to know Who she is, and what her words are Were and will be always good enough to be.
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