blueWatermelon7053 Member Profile

...See more Hi. I have always been extremely close with my mom. To me she was like me best friend, who I am also scared of since she is strict. She is not the type to be super affectionate, however I like to hug her and kiss her checks. She was never really bothered by this but she never really responded much, my brother is her favorite so that have encouraged me to try my hardest for her attention but that’s beside the point. I recently moved back and I was so excited to be back with my family because I love them so much. I would die for them. A week ago I found out that my uncle was thinking of throwing a party on my birthday. I was slightly upset at first, just saying that I would not be there. Later on I let my mom know, almost like a fake angry kind of tone. She looked at me like I was crazy as if it wasn’t really a big deal. I started to actually be flustered because it has been 3 hrs since I celebrated my birthday with them and I just wanted to be with my family on that day. She called me selfish and that I needed to grow up. I was so deeply hurt, is it that selfish to want to spend time with my family and just have that day be about me. I do not share a birthday with my uncle, but we are close and my birthday this year lands on a Saturday. I ended up leaving almost crying to my room where I cried myself to sleep. The next day my eyes were so swollen I had to stay in my room for a few hours. My mom called me into her room, I was thinking it was to discuss what happened the night prior but I was wrong. It was to discuss my sisters birthday coupons and going out. I couldn’t look at her. I ended up replying with short sentences and she never tried to say anything and assumed nothing was wrong. I just wanted to be in my room and cry but I had to go out with my sister. I did not say goodbye and just left with my sister. I did have fun and helped me to forget all my problems. Afterwords I just left to my room and stayed till the next day. I went out the next day for dinner for my sisters birthday with my family and grandma. I stayed quiet the whole time looking up. I felt like crying the whole time. I went staging to my room and that was that. Monday comes and i need my mom to drive me. I stayed in my room the whole day till I texted my mom if she was available to give me a ride. She said I needed to say hello. I went down needing to leave soon for school and she wanted an explanation for why I have been ignoring her. I didn’t want to talk about it but she made me. I started to cry and she pulled me into a hug. At first I loved it, I love her hugs and I miss them, even now I just want to hug her right. But then she told me she didn’t understand why I am angry. I said it was my birthday and I wanted to spend time with her. She said she stand by her statement and that I was being selfish. That I should just go, if it happens, and my uncle might acknowledge me at his party on my birthday. She asked if I wanted my own party and why I was so angry. I did not want my own party, I just don’t want to celebrate some else birthday on my birthday. It would be a different story if we shared a birthday but we do not. I explained how I love my uncle and I hope he has fun but I would not be going. I even said that I will not discourage her from going, that if they go then I will ask my friends to go somewhere. That she had a double standard with guilt tripping me to go along with my sister’s birthday when I didn’t want to go just because it was birthday. I had fun however I was expected to go because it was her birthday. Why does she feel that way for my sister and yet I am selfish for not wanting to go to someone else’s part on my birthday. But she still didn’t understand why I was being so selfish and the way she looked at me once again made me cry. I was about to be late so I left with her. I cried in the car all the way there. I looked out the window the whole way hoping she wouldn’t look at me because I hate crying in front of people. I ended up in class with red eyes and looking exhausted. I had a quiz and a lab to do. I went back to going to my room and staying there. I haven’t been eating as well and have been feeling almost depressed crying whenever I think about it. Today my mom snapped and said why don’t I talk to her directly. That I have not been trying at all and that I need her more than she needs me. It is sad to think about but is true, I rely on her for so much. I couldn’t really look at her lately cus I would just feel a wave of shame and sadness. So I have trying to help around the house and hopefully she would feel that I am trying. But no, I have not been trying at all. But it’s so hard for me to even say hello and I don’t know why anymore. Maybe she is right I should just get over it and she has nothing to apologize. Maybe I should just smile and apologize and forget everything. I miss her so much. I just feel so sad and I know she loves me too but I don’t feel it. I don’t know what to do. This is just a stupid problem but why am I getting so emotional. I miss my mom and telling her everything in my life. But with the way I feel I do not think I can ever go back to way I was before. Even my family encourages me to make the first move and forget what happened. I don’t know what to do with all my feelings. With the weight on my chest whenever I talk with her. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but she let me know that I am hurting her by ignoring her. I am even crying right now writing my situation out. Just can someone tell me what to do.

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